[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your problem is legitimate and your sexual needs as you describe them are normal and valid. Having sex 6 times in 18 months is not enough for you and not enough to sustain this relationship long term, given what you’ve written. So try a few things….

First, your girlfriend needs to go to the doctor and have a full scale physical. Chronic pain during intercourse is not normal, so she needs to take care of her health. She also needs to be completely honest with her physician and have blood work done to make sure there isn’t an underlying problem that is dulling her sex drive. She may have a low sex drive, or she may not have a low sex drive but instead has a problem that is lowering it as a symptom. So let a team of physicians make a diagnosis. They may be able to help her medically.

Second, you didn’t really talk about what sex is like, and because you’re young, there may be an issue of experience in the bedroom. Women are different then men and they take a lot longer to warm up. If a young woman who is relatively new to sex feels rushed or isn’t warmed up, it’s entirely possible sex can be anxiety ridden and painful, so consider what goes on in the bedroom as a place to do some work. Just because she’s on the pill doesn’t mean she’s good to go. Think about experimenting by making one night all about her — and not you. See if you can’t get her completely turned on and wanting more — but focus on the process. Women are not sexually goal driven. The adventure is often better than the big finale if you know what I mean. Consider sensuality as well as sexuality. Sex doesn’t start in the bedroom — it ends there. Treating her sensually as well as with a hint of sexuality throughout the day is the path to full on seduction.

Finally, if none of these things work, be honest with her if you haven’t already that being different is okay, but your needs are important and that you really need to have sex a certain number of times a week (be specific here) in order to feel personally healthy and satisfied. There are lots of things people in couples do for each other because they want to make the other person happy — and you may find yourself doing things in the bedroom and out that are solely for her because seeing her satisfied makes you feel good. If she isn’t willing to do those things, then you have to understand that you’re both too incompatible to make this work, and you’d both do better finding a partner who is better attuned to each of your needs. Because right now, hers are being met and yours aren’t.

I hope that helps!

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