[Ask April Masini]

Yes, his loving and hating you at the same time makes sense, but what I think is really happening is that he’s conflicted. He loves things about you and he hates things about you, and he isn’t mature enough to process the fact that everyone has things about them that a lover or boyfriend or husband will love — and hate. To make a relationship work there has to be enough overlap in compatibility so that there is no instability. Because you’re familiar with instability in your own life, you need to make sure you don’t seek it out in your relationships. It sounds like by choosing this guy you’re doing exactly that — choosing someone who doesn’t have enough compatibility with your life to make things work in the long run.

Everyone comes to a relationship with baggage, but the trick to making it work, I always say, is to have [i]matching luggage. [/i] I’m not saying it can’t work, but relationships are a lot easier when there is mutual understanding in divorces, past relationships, children, etc. Differences are intriguing, but if there are too many and they are unresolved and constant sources of conflict, you’re looking at another break up down the line.

For example, imagine if you both spoke completely different languages, say, Portuguese and Farsi. And there was no common language. At first the differences would be charming and sexy and you’d find ways to communicate and make your dates work. Romance grows and the differences are still charming, but over time as you endure the stresses that every life and relationship goes through, those language differences are going to become wildly frustrating and the source of derivative anger because you just can’t communicate even though you’ve both learned some of each others’ languages. When the tension is highest, you both revert to your native languages and are frustrated that the other doesn’t speak your tongue.

Try to find someone who is more compatible with you from the start. There will always be differences, but it sounds like there are just too many for the two of you to bridge peacefully.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. And join me on Facebook. Here’s the link for AskApril.com on Facebook: [url][/url].