[Ask April Masini]

I’m very sorry for your ordeal. Your problem is bigger than just this relationship and somehow I get the feeling that you know this — which is why you don’t have a specific question.

Your rape is complicated emotionally because you have a history of abuse and your instinct was to blame yourself for the crime. This is not uncommon among abused women. However, you have to get a point, one way or another, where you realize that you were illegally drugged and violated. The criminal justice system is imperfect and your perpetrator didn’t get prosecuted so now it’s even harder for you to accept you were a victim of violence because you don’t have the system’s back up.

It will probably be helpful if you find a group of women who have gone through the same thing you did (call your local hospital, church or city government agency for help in locating such a group). Talking and listening to other peoples’ stories will help you get clarity on your own.

You have a right to feel angry, but without clarity, you’re going to project that anger on the wrong people (like your boyfriend). You also have a right to recovery, but you have to give yourself time and the ability to process what happened. You have to forgive yourself and understand that sometimes bad things happen to good people. You also have to decide how you’re going to heal.

Volunteering for others in need (not necessarily other victims of rape) like animals at a shelter, cancer patients at a clinic, victims of natural disasters, the elderly who are disenfranchised — all of this will make you realize that in spite of your past rape, you have so much to offer the world and people need you.

That’s how you’re going to begin to get better and realize that you deserve and are able to be in a healthy relationship.

As for the relationship at hand, take one day at a time, but don’t cling to the idea that you’ll get back together. Right now, you have a whole lot of healing to do on yourself before you can be with anyone. If this boyfriend is not the one, then I promise you that someone else will come along who will be more appropriate for the you you are about to become.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].