[Anonymous]

So about a month ago my boyfriend came up to me one day just flat out told me he’s unhappy and needed a break. He was telling me that he didn’t know why he was unhappy so I took it personally..I thought I was the reason I made him unhappy. So I made the mistake of trying to fix the situation, I would write him little notes saying that I love him and to be happy..It turns out that I wasn’t the reason why he was unhappy, he has just been stressed out because of everything else going on in his life (can’t find a job, trying to stay in school, all of his grandparents are sick, he lost a bunch of friends). I also made the mistake of being too available..We would hangout almost every day for the first 2 months this going on a break was really hard for me and it lasted about 3 weeks, instead of leaving him alone I kept trying to get us back together which eventually back fired on me because we are now broken up. Is there anything I can do to fix this? Or is this just a lost cause? I love him so much and I want him to be happy but at the same time I’m miserable without him and knowing that I made the situation worse doesn’t help either..

[Ask April Masini]

It’s great that you recognize your mistakes. 🙂 You can learn from them and make your next relationship even better. First of all, when a guy wants to be in a relationship, you’ll know it because he’ll act like it. Your boyfriend did everything BUT act like he wanted to be in a relationship — in fact, he told you he was too stressed out to do so. Next time, listen and pay attention. It’s a mistake to try and be in a relationship with a man who isn’t ready. Second of all, being too available is a big mistake. Men want to chase women — it’s what makes them feel good about themselves and about the woman they’re chasing and trying to win. When you throw yourself at a guy you become the booby prize and not the woman he wants!

It sounds like this relationship is over for now, and making those same mistakes again is going to make things even worse than they are. You should read a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right. It’s called Think & Date Like A Man and you can buy it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] or on the websites for Amazon or Barnes & Noble. Buy it and read it!

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twtiter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[katdawg]

Hehe might’ve been totally off.

[katdawg]

the subject is : a stressed man and in the body the poster has a boyfriend. even if i misunderstood this post… April does your book work with same sex relationships?

[Ask April Masini]

I think it should work in gay and lesbian relationships as long as one partner is taking the traditionally male role and one is taking the traditionally female role.

[Anonymous]

The title is “a stressed man” because I am talking about my ex boyfriend..who is stressed. I’m a woman. haha

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for clarifying! 😀

[Ethan Morales]

It’s clear you care deeply for him, but you also misread his signals. When he asked for a break and explained he was unhappy, that was his way of saying he wasn’t in a position to be in a relationship. Your attempts to fix the situation by being overly available, writing notes, and trying to “win him back” were understandable emotionally, but they went against what he actually needed space and time to handle his personal stress.

It’s important to recognize that being too available can backfire. In relationships, men (and many people in general) often need to feel like they are choosing and pursuing someone, not being chased. By overcompensating and trying to manage his emotions, you unintentionally removed his sense of agency and added pressure, which made the situation worse.

It does seem like this relationship is likely over for now. Right now, he’s dealing with a lot of personal stress, and you can’t fix his life or make him ready for a relationship. The healthiest approach is to step back, focus on yourself, and let him handle his challenges without you trying to carry the emotional load.

This experience is a learning opportunity. In the future, pay attention to a partner’s readiness, give space when requested, and don’t sacrifice your own emotional well-being to “fix” someone else. Loving someone also means knowing when to let go, at least temporarily, so both people can grow and heal.

[Tara]

You smothered a man who explicitly asked for space, and then acted shocked when he ran. He told you he was overwhelmed, and instead of respecting the boundary, you made it all about your insecurity and tried to glue the relationship back together with desperation.

Nothing kills attraction faster. You didn’t “make him unhappy,” but you absolutely made the break unbearable by refusing to back off. And now you’re clinging to the fantasy that there’s some magical fix. There isn’t.

You can’t repair something he already walked away from, and chasing him again will only push him further. The verdict: stop begging for someone who asked for distance, accept that you turned a break into a breakup, and learn the one lesson you keep avoiding: love without boundaries turns into self-inflicted misery.

[Sally]

It’s like you were trying so hard to hold things together that you didn’t notice he was falling apart on his own. I’ve done that trying to love someone back into feeling okay, thinking if I just show up enough, they won’t slip away. But when someone is drowning in their own life, they can’t grab your hand, no matter how much they care.

I don’t think you ruined anything. I just think he wasn’t in a place to be anybody’s partner, and you kept reaching for someone who couldn’t reach back.

Right now, the only thing you can do is step back and let his life settle. Give him the space he was asking for, even though it hurts. If he comes back, it’ll be because he chose to not because you pushed. And that’s the only way it ever works.

[Author]

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