[emberlyn]

My bf and I met on an online game last year and grew close this summer. We’ve spoke online every day since July and met the first time in October. He just broke up with his gf a couple of weeks before we met so we didn’t become a couple until recently. He’s been a gentleman knowing I’m younger than him and still a virgin and said he wants to take things slow because he respects me. I was worried because he was with his ex for a long time and she’s closer to his age but he eased my worries. He’d been unhappy with her and fell out of love. She was selfish and possessive. He couldn’t have a life outside of her.

Saturday we arranged to go out with a friends. My bf asked me to text him to let him know he was running late so I grabbed his phone and did. His exs name was high up in his list of text messages. My heart was racing so I clicked and saw my boyfriend sent her loads of texts. The last message she sent to him was 3 weeks ago. She told him she couldn’t be friends because she loved him but told him not to worry and she just wanted him to be happy even if it couldn’t be with her. He has sent her 5 text messages since with no response from her. He was saying he hoped she was okay, that he really missed her and their time together, talking with her and hanging out with her, and that he thought the world of her and always would.

I didn’t tell him I saw as it’s inappropriate I looked and want to pretend I never did. What he said is still in the back of my mind and it’s upsetting me. I’m shocked because he seems happy with me and I thought he was over her. What do you think?

[Ask April Masini]

When you date someone who’s recently broken up from a long-term partner, as your boyfriend of two months has, there’s a good chance you’re the rebound relationship. When people break up, they sometimes date to get over their hurt. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, but it could mean that he’s not really ready to be in a committed relationship with you. Those messages you found between him and his ex are clues that he’s still working out the break up. Break ups can take a long time to get over and some people get over them alone, while others get over them while dating other people. Since the two of you have only been dating for two months in real life, you have a lot to learn about each other, so try to loosen up a little about your expectations. Use this first three months of dating to just get to know each other and simply decide if you want to continue seeing each other. Take the pressure of being a couple off while you’re in this early stage and try to be open about who you both are and who you can be (or can’t be) as a couple.

[Sally]

He may care about you, but he’s clearly not done with her. Those texts weren’t casual or polite check-ins. They were emotional. Missing her. Holding onto something. And that doesn’t just disappear because he’s trying to be good to you.

You didn’t imagine this. Your gut reacted for a reason.

Also, the timing matters. He came out of a long relationship and slid into something new fast. That doesn’t make him bad, but it does mean his heart might still be split.

You don’t have to confront him right this second if you’re not ready. But don’t bury it either. Stuff like this doesn’t fade. It grows.
You deserve to feel chosen, not quietly compared. And love should feel calm, not confusing.

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