[confusedman]

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible. My ex is back after a bad break up. She started the contact, but I as a man, feel that I have to control the communication and how things go. After a few talks, I got the signal that she wanted to ask me out. Before she could, I asked her to hang out. I dont want her to feel that she has to pursue me, as I feel men should be the ones chasing. Anyway we hung out a few times, and I put the moves on her, but no sex. Its only been like 2 weeks. We have fun, great conversations, flirt, etc. I askerd her out to a nice restaurant, and she asks if I was asking her out on a date. I said yes. she later replied that shes not ready to do date me again, but if i wish to ask her out, that she would hope its coming from my heart and that shes looking for a relationship where she can grow with her partner. I dont know how to respond to that, so I said its coming from my heart, so think about it. She also said she enjoys spending time with me, but fears how I react to certain things. Ever since then, shes been contacting me alot and getting me to hang out. Here is problem: I’m not a jerk, so I’m not gonna ignore her when she said she’s not ready to date me again, but I also have no desire to be in the friends zone. I know if I approach it right, I can win this wonderful woman. I want her to know that i want her to be mine forever, and that I’m gonna chase her with my hearts eyes. What do you think about this situation? My plan is to be straight up with her. (she is 23 and I’m 28)

[Anonymous]

It is a known fact and one that took me rocky roads to learn is that many women (especially younger women) don’t understand Men. I’m 23 years old myself and in my opinion most of us in this age rim is still trying to figure out what we are actually looking for in that almost perfect guy. If you could honestly say you are doing everything right on your behalf and she still doesnt see it then keep in mine “just because she’s a great girl doesnt mean she’s the one for you.” OR if you honestly know that maybe its something that occurred in the two of you previous relationship that makes her hesistant about giving it a second chance than maybe its time to sit down and talk about it…you cant fixing a problem by starting over with the same ingredients…you will still have the same problems..Ask her this, “what is it that you are looking for in a relationship with a guy? and Then “what is it from those things that you feel I didnt Match with” and maybe go from there. There’s a saying that states, People come into your life for one of three; a reason, a season, or a lifetime….

[Ask April Masini]

I like your attitude a lot! 🙂 Remember that you’ve got your head on straight — and she’s suffering the effects of a bad break up and is wobbling as she approaches this relationship with you. Evidence of her confusion is her making out with you – but then hesitating and even backing off when you invite her to dinner at a nice restaurant. The trick is for you to lead the dance, so to speak. Be clear with her that you’re only interested in dating her and not befriending her. If she’s ready and willing then her coach is waiting. 😉 If she’s not, then you’d like to move on.

At the same time you’re laying down your parameters, be clear with her that you empathize with what she went through, and while you can’t offer her a relationship insurance policy, your intentions are very good. You’re very interested in pursuing a relationship with her, and while it’s impossible for you to guarantee her that everything will end in a wedding with sixteen bridesmaids and groomsmen, you’re not opposed to that path, and you’re not intending to waste her time or yours.

Nurture that part of yourself that you wrote about that wants to do the chasing. Just because she’s scared, doesn’t mean you should back down. If you do, you’re letting her scarred emotions dictate the structure of this relationship. What is better for both of you, is for you to be clear that you’re asking her out on a date, and if she’s not ready, you understand, and it was nice being with her for now. She’s been clear with you about her parameters, so it’s fair game for you to tell her yours, too. If there’s mutual compatibility, great. If not, well, you know that I’m going to say to move on.

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