[christinad10]

My fiance is not allowing me to go visit my sister and father in Alabama. He says it is because we dont have the money for it. I have enough points to fly and I would be staying at my sisters house so there is no cost associated with it. He doesnt want me doing anything without him ever and I feel like hes using the money as an excuse. He told me that I am selfish and have no empathy. He has to work and I dont because I have a lot of vacation time left. He also accused me of being “manic” because one day I was upset and the next day excited. I am pretty sure it is normal for people to get upset once in a while. He is on mood stabilizers but is still very aggressive. He gets angry, jealous, accusatory, and I believe he is manipulative and controlling. He makes me think its my fault though so I am very confused and I dont know what to do. He said if I go to see them he will use the time I am gone to pack his things. My father is getting old and has a lot of health issues. I may not get to see him much more. If I dont Ill never forgive myself. I am so confused and I just do not know what to do.

[Ask April Masini]

You and your boyfriend are both 32 and have been together for two years. It sounds like you’re less confused than you are disappointed. And you’re not being controlled and manipulated as much as you’re choosing to be a victim. 😕

Your boyfriend is very angry and he’s taking his anger out on you. For some reason you’re enabling this behavior by not using boundaries and allowing it to be the norm. The question is, why are you doing this? What are you getting out of this dynamic? If you want to visit your elderly father, you should — and if he doesn’t want you to, then he’s not putting your best interests at heart. And if he doesn’t care about your best interests, there’s no healthy reason for you to be together. And yet, you stay. 😳 You’ve listed a lot of complaints about him…. the question is, why are you with him for two years? What are you getting from the relationship that trumps what you’re giving up?

My advice is to invite him to go with you to visit your father, and if he declines, and says if you go, the relationship is over, you need to respect his decision, and abide by you’re own. You’re right — your father won’t be around forever and if you don’t visit him because of this situation, you will feel guilty. So don’t give yourself a chance to have that regret. When you start doing the right thing, you’ll find you have easier choices to make and healthier people to make them with. 🙂

[Sally]

Not letting you see your family when there’s no real cost isn’t about money. It’s about control. Calling you selfish, unempathetic, or manic when you question him is a way to flip the blame so you doubt yourself. That confusion you’re feeling? That’s not an accident.

It’s normal to have different moods. It’s not normal for a partner to threaten to pack up if you visit your aging, sick father. That’s emotional pressure, plain and simple.
Love doesn’t isolate you from your family. It doesn’t make you afraid to choose your own needs. And it definitely doesn’t punish you for wanting to see people you love.
If you don’t go, you’ll carry that regret. If he leaves because you do, that tells you something important.
Trust what your gut is telling you. It’s trying to protect you.

[Tara]

He is not “not allowing” you to visit family because of money; he is testing how much authority he has over your autonomy. You solved the cost issue. He moved the goalposts. That tells you everything. A man who tries to isolate you from your sister and your aging, ill father is not protecting a relationship he is protecting leverage.
Calling you selfish, accusing you of lacking empathy, labeling normal emotional shifts as “manic,” and blaming his aggression on you are textbook manipulation tactics. He is destabilizing your perception so you doubt your own judgment and submit. His medication is irrelevant. Mental health is not a license to intimidate, threaten, or control. The ultimatum “go see your family and I’ll pack my things” is not love. It’s coercion. He wants you to choose him over your dying father to prove obedience. That is sick.
Stop negotiating with someone who is already showing you who he is. Go see your father. If he packs his things, let him. A man who threatens abandonment to control you will escalate after marriage, not improve. If you stay and sacrifice this, you won’t gain peace you’ll lose yourself. And yes, if you don’t go, you will resent him forever. That resentment will rot the marriage from the inside out.

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