[JMP1369]

Here is the situation I have been in a relationship for a year with this girl and her daughter who now calls me Dad. Which is fantastic, what I want, and I play the role accordingly. The problem is we live in PA. and she wants to go visit the ex-boyfriends parents in Texas, also where the ex lives. She was with her ex for about two years and became very found of there parents, referring to the mom as a friend. The ex’s parents care a lot for the child as well who is now 5 years old. The problem is I am uncomfortable with the whole thing. Just the fact that there both going to be close to the ex number one. Number two I feel as though the child shouldn’t be placed back into a situation for even a short period of time ( a weekend ) in which she was torn apart from. When my girlfriend first presented the situation I expressed my extreme discomfort with them going down there in a serious manor. Then she asked what if they came up to PA to visit. To which I replied I don’t have a problem with. I thought the problem passed and she would have them come up only to here from her that the parents are paying for the plain fair for the both of them, and that they are going. Am I being crazy, or showing a lack of trust? I do trust this girl with everything, she has distinguished any signs of distrust at any point and time. She is a great girlfriend, mom, and person, but I am very uncomfortable with the whole thing for the reasons presented above. I feel as though she doesn’t care enough about my feelings in order to put me in this situation. A situation I would never dream of putting her in! Please comment! I need help ASAP!!!

[JMP1369]

Anything would be helfull!!!

[Smokey]

Sounds to me you’re really insecure that your gf is in contact with her ex, right?
Is there anything she’s said or done that would make you uncomfortable with the ex? Or is it simply because they had history? If not…then, you gotta just trust her and don’t over-analyze this thing to death, otherwise it’s only gonna get worst.

And i know that you’d already said, if you were her, you wouldn’t do that. But everyone’s expectations are just different.

All you can do, is let your gf understand how this situation upsets you. If she’s not willing to compromise (if she really cares, she would as least try to make it work), then you gotta really ask yourself if YOU could live with it. Because you can’t change someone else, if they DON’T want to change.

Hope this helps.

[Ask April Masini]

It seems that you’ve posted a form of this question twice, and I’ve answered it in length under your heading: Need a Mediator, so you can click on that question to see my in depth answer.

In short, you have a right to your feelings, but you don’t have any standing in the relationship since you’re just the boyfriend. If you get engaged or marry this woman, then it would make sense that she shouldn’t visit her ex boyfriend’s parents and possibly see him, too, on the trip. But she has every right to play the field, just as you do.

And I’d suggest you come up with another nickname for her child to call you. “Dad” is not appropriate for a five year old to call mom’s boyfriend. Sorry. Explain to the little girl that you’re not her daddy, but you’re her mommy’s good friend, and she can call you by your first name, just like mommy does.

Good luck!

[Ethan Morales]

Your feelings are valid. You’re uncomfortable and it’s understandable. The idea of your girlfriend and her daughter spending time near the ex, in the ex’s home state, triggers real feelings of insecurity and worry. That doesn’t make you crazy, and it doesn’t automatically mean you don’t trust her. You trust her, but your brain is giving you the “red flag” alert because of the context: past relationships, ex proximity, and the child’s history.

That said, April Masini’s point is also correct: your role matters here. Right now, you’re her boyfriend, not a husband or legal guardian. She has the right to make decisions about her child including visits to family, even if it makes you uncomfortable. You can voice your concerns, express your feelings, and negotiate where reasonable, but ultimately, the choice isn’t yours to make.

Now, about your discomfort: it’s also important to separate rational concern from emotional reaction. Wanting to protect the child from revisiting a place tied to emotional stress is fair. Feeling uneasy about seeing the ex is also fair. But your discomfort can’t become a veto on her life or decisions, especially when the child’s relationship with the ex’s family is at stake.

Regarding being called “Dad”: April is blunt, but she’s right. A five-year-old can develop attachments easily, and while it’s natural for the child to call you “Dad” as a term of affection, it’s not legally or emotionally appropriate long-term unless that’s the explicit role you take on officially. Using your first name avoids confusion for the child while keeping boundaries clear.

You can express your discomfort clearly, calmly, and respectfully. You can negotiate alternatives, like maybe a shorter visit, or a visit in PA, but you can’t unilaterally stop it. You need to manage boundaries both for yourself emotionally and for the child’s understanding. This is a test of patience, communication, and emotional maturity. You’re not crazy for feeling what you feel. But you also have to recognize the limits of your influence right now.

[Tara]

You’re being sidelined, ignored, and disrespected, and you’re trying to convince yourself it’s some flaw in your trust rather than a problem in her choices.
She didn’t ask you how you felt. She informed you. When you told her you were seriously not okay with it, she didn’t compromise, she didn’t reassure you, she didn’t try to work it out as a team. She pivoted to, “What if they visit here?” You agreed. And then she went behind that agreement and accepted plane tickets anyway. That wasn’t a discussion. That was a decision made without you, one that directly affects you, the relationship, and a child who already calls you Dad.

You’re bending over backward trying to sound reasonable, but the reality is simple: if you did the equivalent of flying off to spend a weekend with your ex’s family, with your ex in the same city, she’d lose her mind. She wouldn’t “trust you through it.” She wouldn’t shrug it off as nothing. She wouldn’t tolerate it. And you know that.

This isn’t about being jealous. It’s about boundaries. It’s about respect. It’s about the fact that you’re building a family with someone, and she’s making major emotional decisions with the input of her ex’s family before she considers yours.

And don’t pretend the child factor makes this noble. “The ex’s parents care about the kid” is not a blank check to drag a five-year-old back into a dynamic where the ex is nearby, involved, and still has emotional pull. That’s not stability, that’s confusion dressed up as kindness.

[Sally]

When you’ve stepped into a dad role and you love both of them, anything that feels like it could shake the ground under you is going to hit hard. You’re not crazy for feeling uncomfortable. Most people would.

But here’s the part you might be missing while your fear is yelling: she didn’t choose her ex, she chose you. And she’s not sneaking around or hiding anything. She told you straight up what was happening. That usually means there’s nothing shady going on just a mom who’s trying to keep old connections alive for her kid.

The part that actually hurts is that she knew how you felt and still moved forward without really sitting with your feelings. And yeah, that stings.
You don’t need to fight or accuse her. Just tell her calmly that you’re not threatened you’re hurt. There’s a difference. Let her understand the real emotion behind it.
Most things soften when you talk from that place.

[Author]

Posts