[jakesum]

I’m a freshman in college, and starting in early February I got back in communication with a friend from high school that goes to college a couple thousand miles away. Her and I were friends in high school, but never super close. So we started talking again, texting basically all day every day for a few weeks. I did not want to start to develop feelings for someone that goes to school far away, but I kind of couldn’t help it. We flirted a lot and I made it pretty obvious to her that I was starting to feel something, and she made it seem obvious that she was, as well. She constantly complained about how she can’t find any guys like me at school, and that all of them only want to get in her pants and nothing more, while she wants to find someone to have an actual relationship with. There were times where I openly questioned how often we talk because I don’t want to develop feelings for someone that’s far away, and she was always the one that wanted to keep talking and ignore that. About 3 weeks after we started texting constantly, she was drinking a lot and got drunk three nights in a row (total turn-off) despite the fact that she claims to be really responsible about drinking. While she was drunk the third night, she texted me extremely happy about how she had been talking to this guy constantly for the past few days and was hanging out with him and had a lot of fun. I don’t know if it’s how she meant it, but it felt like it was thrown in my face. So I stopped texting her and for about a week and a half we had zero communication. She eventually texted me apologizing saying that it was wrong and she felt bad but just wanted to give me space. I forgave her pretty easily and before long we were talking constantly once again. Pretty quick, the feelings for her came back. And when she was trying to decide what to do for spring break, she even said one of the reasons she wanted to come home was to see me. So when she did officially decide to come home, we immediately made plans to hang out. Since it isn’t my spring break and I still have school, she wanted to come to school with me one day and spend basically the whole day together. That was on Monday, and most of the day went great. It really was a lot of fun. It was my first time hanging out with her, but I felt 100% comfortable with her. And since I liked her and I was sure she felt the same way, when we were saying goodbye, I kissed her. I did not want a relationship with her because of how far away she goes to school, I just wanted to enjoy the times that she is here and spend that time ignoring the fact that she will leave. Then, when she’s back at school, we’d just go back to normal. I thought she was on the same page. So after I kissed her and said bye, I was so happy it’s ridiculous. I’m a friendly, caring, somewhat good-looking (at least I think… haha) guy, but for whatever reason I have the worst luck when it comes to girls. That was my first kiss in over three years, back to when I was with one girl for over a year. So it was a big deal to me, and I was so happy. Well, she was going to text me later but that text never came. Hours and hours later, I just decided to text her asking if everything is okay and what’s up. She said she isn’t upset that I kissed her, she was just surprised and wanted me to know that nothing was going to happen between us. She didn’t want anything to develop. I asked if it’s because she doesn’t have feelings for me or because she goes to school far away, and she said both. Of course I was hurt because of how she led me on to think she liked me. I went to bed crying because of how embarrassed and hurt I was that this one time that I thought something finally was going my way was actually the complete opposite. We were planning on hanging out again Wednesday night, but of course that was cancelled because I kind of need my space and it would not be good to see her right now. She still wants to be friends, I’m just not sure if I want to keep talking to her. My heart tells me that she does have some kind of feelings for me, she’s just blocking them out from developing because of distance. And I understand that, it just really hurts. I told her out of emotion the other night that I think she’s making a mistake because the boy she keeps complaining she cannot find at school is right in front of her at home and that I just want her to take advantage of that when she is here. I explained I don’t want a relationship, but it wasn’t enough for her, she wants someone to be together with for awhile, not just something that is temporary. Which makes sense and part of me agrees is the right thing.

We haven’t talked in a couple days now, and I’m just giving myself time to process everything. I’m not sure if I want to keep talking to her in the future because I know I’ll start to develop feelings again and get hurt. I’m already cringing thinking about her being with other guys at school, I think it would be even worse if we developed something and then I had to deal with that. If I’m going to talk to her again, it will be in a few weeks or possibly more than a month. I don’t want to get hurt, but at the same time I love talking to her and I do value our friendship. I’m not sure if she’ll initiate any communication until I do, but if she does before I’m ready, I’m not really sure what I’ll do. Right now, every time I see her name pop up anywhere (facebook, twitter, etc.) I get sad. I unfollowed her on Twitter so that I don’t see her name. I just keep telling myself that the truth of what I need to do in this situation will come out when I’ve processed everything completely and my mind is at ease with what happened. I don’t regret kissing her, I just wish it didn’t have all of these complications.

Am I taking the necessary steps and doing what’s right for myself? I don’t want to think about her but I’m finding myself struggling to focus on anything because my mind keeps wandering back to her. I can’t get that kiss out of my mind at all 🙁

Thanks,
Jake

[Ask April Masini]

The thing is, if you spend as much time as you have talking to a woman who’s thousands of miles away — and not looking to date anyone on the campus where you go to college — you’re going to use her as a crutch, so you don’t have to face what may be a daunting, new situation at college. There are more single men and women in one place, on a college campus, than anywhere else that you will ever be — but you’re turning away from that because you don’t want to get hurt, or you don’t want to do the work that is part of dating and finding a relationship.

My advice is to change your focus. She’s made it clear she’s not interested in a romantic relationship, and you’re hurt by that. So look for someone who is interested — preferably on your campus. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[jakesum]

Thanks for the reply!

I would definitely rather find someone that goes to my school, I’ve just kind of dug myself in a hole and I’m trying to get out and move on. The hardest part of the situation is trying to figure out if I want to still be friends with her or just move on and not talk to her again. If she texted me a couple months down the road asking how I am, I don’t know if I’d let myself tell her I don’t want to talk. It just all sucks. I shouldn’t have gotten myself in this situation…

[jakesum]

and I go to a community college, so it’s much more difficult to meet people here. I’ve barely met any girls — none that I want to date.

[Ask April Masini]

Okay, so you got yourself into the situation, but it’s not the end of the world. 😉 And this is how you learn — by getting into situations that you realize you don’t want to repeat. 🙂 You can’t be friends with her because your feelings are going to bring you back to this same stuck spot. The idea is to move forward and find love — but you can’t do it when you’re invested, emotionally, in someone who’s not your Ms. Right.

I get it about community college, but you’re still in classes with lots of singles, and there are cafeterias, libraries, athletic centers, student centers, coffee shops and lots of places and ways to meet women who are also students — you’re just missing the dorm and living on campus aspect, but again, this isn’t the end of the world by a long shot. Start looking at the glass as half full and see what you have in your life that works for you — and then start flirting with women you meet during the course of the day. Make a goal to talk to 20 new women a day, and you will start meeting and dating again. 😉

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[jakesum]

I definitely want to try to meet more people at school! thanks for the advice, it’s highly appreciated. I just need to build up the courage to walk up to these girls and talk!

As for this girl.. it would be for the best if I just try to cut her out of my life. If I talk to her again, every circumstance that can happen ends with me getting hurt once again. I’m not going to talk to her — I may just delete her number off of my phone. I guess if she texts me, I’ll just tell her the truth… that I’m just going to end up getting hurt no matter what, so I don’t want to go further.

[Ask April Masini]

Good plan. 😉 And…. when you focus your energy on meeting more women at school and around school, you’ll gain confidence, and you’ll be a lot happier. 😀

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[jakesum]

I know what I’m going to do…

I have a problem with getting my heart wrapped around girls way too soon. This is what happened with this girl. And even though I kind of got my heart broken, I don’t believe she did anything wrong, it was just a bad situation and mixed signals. I like her, but I also really like being her friend and talking to her. Since I need to learn to not get wrapped around girls before it becomes serious, I think it would actually do me good to still talk to her and try to teach myself about my feelings a little more.

Both of us agree that we do not want a relationship now, but who knows what will happen in the future. This is a really nice girl, probably one of the more down-to-earth girls I’ve ever met. She respects herself and wants actual relationships (that’s why she doesn’t want anything with me, we live far from eachother) and I really respect that about her. I don’t want to just throw a girl like that to the curb just because she doesn’t want what I do right now, a fling when she is in town.

I do think that a relationship may develop in the future. But of course I’m in no way going to let that handicap me from seeking a relationship with someone here. Anything that would happen between us would be pretty far down the road. I’m not going to assume anything, I just want to play it how it goes and see what happens. And I mean, I love being her friend and that’s important to me.

[Ask April Masini]

Good luck!

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[jakesum]

This girl and situation is completely unrelated to the girl mentioned above… I just don’t know what move to make.

i just finished my freshman year in college, and a girl that i was pretty good friends with in high school that i had a big crush on just broke up with her long-term boyfriend about a month and a half ago. they’re still friends, they’re hanging out regularly still i guess. she knows i had a crush on her and she even told me that before she was with her (at the time) boyfriend, she liked me as well. last night, her and i were hanging out for a long time, just walking around town and talking for hours on end. it was great! it was the first time i’d really hung out with her and talked to her since high school ended. she broke up with her boyfriend because the relationship stopped exciting her and she wasn’t sure what she wanted. she just didn’t enjoy the relationship anymore. i asked her last night if it’s a possibility they might get back together, and she said it’s probably unlikely even though they’re still friends.

she goes to the university that i’ll be transferring to in about a year, so until then we won’t be able to hang out much other than when she’s here or when i drive down there. i really like her and i could definitely imagine being with her. we gel so well. of course, i don’t want to rush into anything or try to pressure her since she just got out of a serious relationship and i can wait. i want her to know that i still like her, but i’m not sure if right now is the right time to tell her. but if i wait too long then it could end up being too late. should i just casually tell her that i’m in no rush but i still like her? i really want her to know!

[Ask April Masini]

It really depends on what it is you want. If you want to date her, then you should simply ask her out on a date. Just telling her how you feel without asking her out isn’t going to win her over. 😉 But a great date, might! 😀

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[jakesum]

thanks for the quick response

i should have mentioned this in the previous post, but she mentioned that she wants to just stay single for the summer since she just got out of a long relationship and is trying to figure out what she wants for herself. i definitely want to take her on a date, but i’m not sure how she would react to it right now. i don’t want to scare her or come across too strong too early, that’s killed me in the past with relationships. but at the same time, i don’t know what’s going to happen with her and her ex because they’re hanging out regularly. i want her to know how i stand without making a bad move. we’ve talked about definitely hanging out more over the summer and possibly going to a concert or two, do you think asking for a simple date could scare her?

[Ask April Masini]

If [i]you[/i] want to date her, it’s not going to happen by osmosis. 😕 [u]You[/u] have to ask her out on a date. If she’s not interested in dating, then don’t waste [i]your[/i] time, and move on, so you can find someone who does want to date you. 😉

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[Ethan Morales]

It’s clear that you have strong feelings for this girl, and she clearly has a history of liking you, which makes the emotional connection very real. The fact that you’re reflecting deeply on her timing, past relationship, and distance shows that you’re thoughtful and considerate which is a strength. However, you’re also navigating a minefield of mixed emotions: past crushes, post-breakup vulnerabilities, long-distance logistics, and your own attachment style. That combination can easily make you feel hurt, anxious, or stuck in “what ifs,” which is exactly what you’re experiencing.

Her actions and your interpretations are a classic case of mixed signals. She enjoys your attention, seeks your company, and values your friendship, but she’s clearly cautious about rushing into a relationship, especially while still adjusting to the end of her previous one and managing distance. Her boundaries aren’t about you personally they’re about timing, emotional readiness, and logistics. That’s why she’s avoiding a direct relationship right now, even while maintaining closeness. You’re not misreading her feelings; you’re reading her behaviors, which are affectionate but non-committal.

Your instinct to step back and process your emotions is the healthiest move. You’re aware that interacting too soon could reignite hurt or create confusion. Taking a deliberate pause allows your heart and mind to recalibrate. This isn’t about rejection; it’s about self-protection while respecting her space. It’s also an opportunity to focus on other social connections at your own school, which can keep your emotional life balanced and prevent over-dependence on her presence.

In terms of future strategy, you can absolutely maintain a friendship but it has to be at a pace you can emotionally handle. That might mean letting her initiate contact when she’s ready, limiting one-on-one interactions for now, and keeping your expectations realistic. It’s okay to be honest with yourself about what kind of interactions feel safe. Friendship doesn’t have to mean emotional exposure that leaves you hurting repeatedly; it can mean shared conversation, occasional texting, and keeping things light until circumstances (distance, timing, readiness) align.

When it comes to expressing your feelings, the key is subtlety and timing. Let her know you care without pressuring her. A simple, calm message like, “I still like you, but I’m happy to just hang out as friends while you get settled and figure things out” communicates honesty, respect, and patience. It puts the ball in her court without sacrificing your emotional boundaries. Rushing or over-explaining can feel like pressure, even if that’s not your intent.

Your growth here is about learning patience, emotional resilience, and self-protection. You’ve acknowledged that you tend to get emotionally wrapped up quickly, and this is the perfect opportunity to practice pacing yourself. Focus on school, friends, and personal hobbies. When she’s ready and circumstances align, you’ll be in a healthier position to explore a relationship. For now, it’s about clarity, boundaries, and measured honesty letting your care show without letting it destabilize your emotional life.

[Tara]

She never wanted you the way you wanted her. She liked the attention, the comfort, the emotional flattery, not you. You were her long-distance ego boost, her safe guy to text when the frat boys at her school disappointed her. She flirted because it felt good, not because she intended to follow through. And the second thing got real the second you kissed her, and it stopped being just cute, safe banter. She slammed the brakes so hard you got emotional whiplash. That wasn’t “surprise.” That was clarity she’d been avoiding.

She didn’t lead you on. You led yourself on by mistaking constant texting for genuine romantic interest. She wanted validation, not commitment. And when you wanted something real, even casual, even temporary, she showed you exactly where you stand: nowhere. Her “I want someone who’s actually here” excuse is just a polite way of saying “I don’t want you enough.”
You’re hurt because you made her the exception in your head, the girl who made you feel something after years of nothing. But stop romanticizing it.

One good day and one kiss doesn’t mean fate is screwing you. It means you projected a fantasy onto a girl who already told you who she was when she drunkenly bragged about the new guy she liked right in front of you.

[Author]

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