[SoSad]

i have been dating this guy for a year and a half now. When we met he had just gotten out of what he claimed was an abusive relationship. His business was doing well at the time and he really enjoyed spending his money. within weeks he ran out of work and the money ran out and he was back to a normal salary. After all the spending he was stuck in debt and had to make do with less than 800 a week. he managed to get some loans to pay the debts so now all he ahs to do is pay his phone bill and the rent and other small bills. For a year now he hasnt made any budget. when his pay comes he drinks like crazy and doesnt pay the rent. He buys weed and is left with nothing. When you point out to him that he can not afford this lifestyle he gets angry and walks away. He is a smoker but does not even want to consider that he needs to budget his habit. in the end i have to always sacrifice my money so i can help him pay his bills. I pay my fair share of bills on time.

When we met we had said we would start a family in December , this would be after i finished my studies. I have reminded him of this and he says he can always change. I keep telling him that people dont change but he keeps getting angry. We had said before my visa had expired we would get married to make it easier and he has been asking me for months why i havent filled in the intent of marriage application. To be honest at this stage I would rather be deported tham marry a person so irresponsible.

i willl not take away from him that he is a very nice person but i think his actions have started to turn me off. I am starting to resent him . To add to all this he si a vey angry person who throws tantrums. I keep telling him you are not two years old. if he gets angry at himself or anyone else he throws thuings on th efloor and punches walls. he doesnt hit me or anything but sometimes it is so embarrassing as we have housemates.

I dont know whta to do. Am i over reacting or should i just leave. I am truly fed up. But i think that he is very nice. Most times he does apologise for being angry or rude .

what should i do

[Anonymous]

Hello,
I am in a very similar situation to you, although I am younger and not thinking about marraige, me and my boyfriend have talked about having kids one day.
He hasn’t had a job (until a few weeks ago) for the last three years! He also smokes weed and wastes his money on doing up his cars.
Similar to you we have a firey relationship and when he gets angry he does exactly what you said so I understand how you feel embarrassed.
However with us he always comes back and apologises after, even if I know it was my fault for winding him up, and I have almost just accepted it as our routine when we argue, I don’t let it upset me anymore, because I know it will always get sorted out between us in a couple of hours after the fight, and because I feel our relationship is worth it.
What you need to ask yourself if whether you can accept this behaviour and be aware that it is hard to change a person, whether it is worth it?
When it comes to money and commitment, I am not sure if this is good advice but I would personally give him a scare, tell him exactly what you want, which is what you had planned together, and say that there is no sign of it being possible while he doesn’t look after his money, and say that if it doesn’t turn around you might have to leave.
This is just me but if it comes down to it I would even leave for a few weeks, and this will either shock him into realising he doesn’t want to lose you, or let you see him for what he really is, if he doesn’t appear to care that you’ve gone, the sad truth is he probably doesn’t care about you as much as you care about him.
A lot of this is up to you and your gut feeling, whether things can improve, and whether he is worth being patient and waiting for to get his act together. I would also say maybe your attitude to talking to him about your issues with the relationship should be a little less directly critical of him and more pro-active to improve things together. For example I was getting frustrated with my boyfriend for never working and so I talked to him about how work would improve his sleep patterns, his happiness, etc and I helped him look for work, and now he has found some himself because I threw some possibilites out there which he liked the sound of.
It is a tricky situation and I don’t know how in love you two are or whether it is worth the fight, that part is up to you to decide, noone else can tell you. But if you are unhappy, remember you don’t deserve to feel like that, and life is short, if it can’t be fixed, get out and find happiness elsewhere.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you know exactly what you want and exactly what to do — but you’re having trouble moving on. 🙁 Your boyfriend is not Mr. Right. You already know this. He’s in debt and spending the money he does have on alcohol, marijuana and cigarettes. A man who is ready to get married and settle down behaves differently .

You should get my book called Think & Date Like A Man, that I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right. It’s going to help you [i]not waste any more time.[/i] You can get it on the internet at Amazon or Barnes & Noble websites. Or, you can purchase it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

You’re definitely NOT too fussy. I think any woman in your shoes who is looking for a man who wants a commitment would be disappointed with your boyfriend. His behavior will tell you more about him than his words, and I think you know what you’re dealing with.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter, and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

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