[heh56720]

My boyfriend and I broke up a a little bit ago, but after spending time to talk about the break up he wants to remain best friends in hopes that we will become closer and set a stronger foundation for a future relationship together if that happens, if not then at least we are still best friends. He thinks with time we will get back together and he will fall back in love with me, which was the reason for him breaking up with me in the first place.
We talk daily, hang out every other day or so, and even still sleep over at each others houses. We don’t share the same blankets or pillows and there is no cuddling or sex going on, we don’t want to screw anything up in our friendship and want to take this break-up seriously in that way. The psychical attraction is definitely still there, but we don’t want to do anything we shouldn’t do and anything that will confuse us both later, believe me we struggle with it but we manage. We are best friends at this point.
My questions is, is there anything I could do to help win his heart back and get back together with him, whether it takes awhile or not? I really do believe that give a little time and us remaining so close that we will get back together.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The answer really depends on a few things. How old are you both? How long did you date before you broke up? And finally, why did you break up?

[heh56720]

I am 19 going on 20 and he just turned 23.
We dated for a little over 7 months before he broke up with me, I told him that I didn’t agree with the break-up but since it seemed to be what he wanted that I was accepting it. When he ended it he told me that he thought this was best for ‘us’ and given time and with God it would work out between ‘us’.
We broke up because he said he wasn’t in love with me anymore and he didn’t know WHY he wasn’t. He said it was a feeling that just gradually came and that he didn’t want to fall out of love with me. I find it hard to believe that he isn’t in love with me anymore, I was the first girl he ever dated and obviously the first girl he fell in love with, he even said ‘I love you’ first. He keeps showing signs that he doesn’t seem to be over me and may still be in love with me.
The connection between since the first time we dated still feels like its there, like every time we see each other or talk to each other we still act like a couple almost, minus the names you give your significant other and the sexual intimacy, and it still FEELS like we are a couple. I hung out with him a couple of times last week, now he has strep thoart so now I can’t see him for two weeks 🙁 and he was being a little flirtatious and playful and gave me a couple of unexpected kisses on the lips. I told him he couldn’t do that and to not do that again, that it only hurts and confuses us both. He told me he knew, he was sorry, and wouldn’t do that again. We spent a few minutes in silence before he gave a huge sigh and asked me how come it was so hard to just be friends and not want to act or be a couple.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sadly, this is definitely NOT the way you will get your ex back. In fact, this is just going to prolong the slow death of the relationship. My advice is to let go and move on.

Your ex-boyfriend broke up with you because he isn’t in love with you any more. It takes two people to make a relationship work and one to end it. He’s done that. But he’s afraid to let you go. As long as you continue to be his friend and sleep in the same bed with him 😯 you’ll never get to move on and he’s never going to get back together with you with his whole heart. If he does, you’re going to have to always look over your shoulder wondering when he’s going to fall out of love with you again. 😕

In fact, he can’t even really miss you and appreciate your worth as long as you’re there all the time. My advice is to stop acting like a doormat and doing what HE wants when it isn’t serving you or the relationship and refuse to stay friends with an ex. I’m always against people staying friends with a recent ex because one person always gets hurt when the other moves on. It can feel like a double betrayal, the first being the break up and the second being that person moving on with someone else while expecting your loyal friendship. It doesn’t work.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[heh56720]

Thank you for the advice. Recently, I HAVE considered in telling him that we shouldn’t be friends until we both can move on or get back together, but I am not sure in what I should do. Half of hose I have talked to about it say I should stay best friends with him, give it a little time for us to get back together, and that the best marriages and relationships come from those who remain best friends. That not remaining friends with him is the worst possible thing I could do for us both. The other half are telling me that I shouldn’t see or talk (hardly) to him for at least a month or until I am completely over him. It will be a very, very long time before I am over him so waiting until then is not what I want to do, really. haha I would like to try something to get back together with him and I truly do see it working again even if it takes a little bit of time. I know he hasn’t and won’t be able to move on or get over me easily or quickly either, which is why I still think there is a chance for us. It worked once before so it can work again, and all relationships (minus the abusive ones) can be saved in my opinion.

I am honestly stuck in between the two options, but what I have decided to do is not talk to him these next two weeks he’s sick, unless he talks to me first, and the next time I am able to hangout with him I will be able to figure out if it would be better to remain best friends or break the friendship even if its just for a little while, by how he will act and such. As much as I don’t want to lose my relationship with him or even his friendship I do see your point on he can’t miss me or appreciate me while I am always there and available since I have ALWAYS been there, we really have done absolutely everything together and we’re around each other since the beginning of our relationship. Maybe these two weeks will work out for the better and he will have all the time to think about what he really wants since he won’t be able to see or talk to me much.

Thank you April for your help and I will let you know how it does go. 🙂

[heh56720]

Hi April, so I thought a lot of what you advised and I have a question, should I completely break contact right now (I haven’t wanted to do it while hes sick, I can’t see him, and explain) and if I should how should I tell him that I think its best that we just don’t talk and see each other for awhile? I know, to him, me telling him that I don’t want to be talk and see him for a while will hit him suddenly and drive him a bit crazy because I have ALWAYS been eager to do both.

I had a plan of keeping limited contact with him while he’s sick, but always let him contact me first, keeping the conversations light, pleasant, and always ending it by saying I had to go because I was going to be busy doing something. And when he is feeling better and I am able to see him again I was going to decide whether I felt it was best, by his reactions, to break or keep contact. I don’t know what would be better for the situation right now, can you help me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My advice is a clean break now.

Since he fell out of love with you and that’s why the two of you broke up, it’s in your best interest to be able to move on and find someone who does love you. If someone is going to fall out of love with you and leave you, he’s not a good bet for a long term boyfriend. Imagine if you were married and had children, and he decided he didn’t love you any more so he was going to move on. 😯 This isn’t someone mature enough or in love enough to be a good match for you. His keeping you around as a best friend while he looks elsewhere for someone new to date isn’t in your best interests. In addition, your not dating, but remaining “best friends” will keep you from being able to fully move on.

I never advise being friends with an ex (especially immediately after a break up) because it prolongs the break up and the pain. Eventually one person moves on and the other feels betrayed because the “best friends” status means different things to different people.

In addition, as I wrote you before, if you don’t move on completely, he has no chance to miss what he had. If he does want you back, it’s going to be a lot harder for him to realize it if you’re there as a best friend.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and n Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[heh56720]

Hi April, I figured I would give an update as to what has happened since it has been a couple of weeks. (:

Lately, I’ve been getting out of the house A LOT and spending tons of time with friends and overall trying to keep myself busy and absolutely positive. I’ve let it show through Facebook and when I out and about that I am happy, busy, and enjoying myself. (: I am no way over him and I still do love him and want him back, but I have taken this time to improve myself and I think that is better no matter what happens.

I did the no contact thing for about a week before I broke and ended up texting him just a simple I hope you have a great night and he immediately responded with a thank you, hopes that I had a great night, and he told me where he was going (just to the city for motorcycle ride with some friends) which I thought was weird, why would he tell me that where he was going if we weren’t together anymore so I kinda took that as a good sign.

The next day he texted me asking me how I was and the conversation turned into possibly hanging out that day. I was actually busy so I told him I wouldn’t be available to hangout until later and he asked me to text him when I was so later when I was free I texted him. It actually took awhile to make plans and figure out what we were going to do, but eventually we settled on going to the park and going for a walk and talking.

We started off talking about what we had been up too lately and while I had a crap ton to talk about and was obviously happy and excited about what had happened lately, he didn’t seem like he had a lot going on. Most of his time was spent working on his bike and staying inside his house most of the time and he seemed bored and unsatisfied with his life lately. While we were walking we accidently kept brushing up next to next to each other and then he poke me every time it would happen. haha

We actually walked for awhile and ended up walking to an old spot of ours that before we had had lunch and just cuddled under a tree at the edge of a little pond there a few months ago when we were dating. We sat down under that same tree and talked for a little bit and then would lap into a comfortable silence. After awhile he laid down and so did I and it was like that for awhile before he pulled me towards him and kept me close. We never kissed or anything just laid in comfortable silence in each others arms and we actually both fell asleep like that. (*:

The next morning we did slip up and made out for a few seconds before I put an end to it nicely and I almost lost my control in starting to beg and plead, but I got myself together real quick. For a couple of hours I laid next to him with his arm over my back as he catnapped and I read (I always keep a book in my bag and I wasn’t tired so I decided to read.) Every ten minutes or so he would wake up and start tickling me and he was being really flirtatious just like the time right before we started dating. This went on comfortably for a couple of hours before we both agreed that we needed to get home since we both had stuff to do. When we were saying our goodbyes I asked him to not give up on us and he said he wasn’t and he was smiling in a good way, I don’t know how to explain the smile but I felt like he meant it.

Overall, I think the night went very, very well and I feel like the mix of the flirtatiousness like right before we were dating and it still feeling like we are a couple was good and it should stay that way if we are going to get back together. The signs that he still likes me and isn’t over me are still there in my opinion and those that I’ve talked to about it. I can see him and I getting back together very, very soon if it continues like this. (:

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for keeping me up to date! 😀

[heh56720]

🙂 Is there anything I should or shouldn’t be doing now according to the situation or what you think of it? Thank you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The advice I gave you on August 11 stands for me!

Taking my advice for one week only, 😳 isn’t my idea of a good plan, but I respect your personal decision to do your own thing. 😀

I hope that helps.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[heh56720]

I understand. It has almost been a month since the break up and during that month I have healed from the pain and bad memories of the break-up and now I am at that stage of just missing him and I feel like he is or will be at that stage himself soon so I am going to try the no contact thing for at least two weeks, I don’t want to wait too long. I do want to give him more space especially since a new semester for us at school has just started and we’ve already seen each other around campus but haven’t talked yet, neither one of us have been able too. I will acknowledge him only if he does first and try to keep it friendly and that same vibe we felt the last time we hung out.

Yesterday, one of his close friends contacted me and said that he (close friend, not ex) noticed I had seemed like I was happy, moving on, and seemed to be getting all the guys. (A LOT of guy friends have been posting on my wall, nothing too flirty just asking how I am or random inside jokes.)
He obviously got this from my facebook profile since I have been making a ton of new friends (mostly guys haha) and hanging out with several new and old and its all been posted there so I know if his friend noticed then he (ex) has got to have noticed too which is good? I am actually not sure if that would be good of my ex to notice that or not, I DO want him to see that I am off having a good time with or without him but I don’t want him to think that I have completely moved on so he in turn will just move on himself. Am I doing the right things with that? Is all that I laid out a good plan?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I already wrote you my advice on April 11. I really meant what I wrote! I’m not sure why you keep asking me if doing other things are okay. But I suspect you’re treating me the same way you are him. He said he wants to break up and because he fell out of love with you, but you’re having trouble accepting it. 😳

Staying friends with an ex is a bad idea because it just prolongs the pain. I’m sure you’re going to be very upset when you find out he’s dating others. Since you said you were his first girlfriend, and he’s 23, he’s definitely going to want to experiment and date other women while the two of you are broken up. 😕

My advice, again and still, is that you move on. A guy who falls out of love with you and breaks up with you isn’t Mr. Right.

I hope that helps.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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