[joseph.m]

Hi,

I need some advice please?

First let me say that i know with every part of me that this is the girl of my dreams and i love her.

My gf and i recently broke up a month ago, it was quite an ongoing saga to say the least. First started when we came home from the bar one night and i had a little too much and said a little too much about us, i said that i was sick of this and sick of that and was over it. I realize now that i have a problem expressing myself, brush things off like theres nothing wrong and bottle them up. A few days later we had another argument, she said i think we need to take a break, i said let’s just breakup and the scary thing was she just sat there and nodded (she is a very strong person with alot of backbone and i wasn’t expecting this).
We agreed to keep living together and sharing the same bed, and said we would give each other the respect of letting the other know if we were coming home late or staying at a friends( which we both did often during the whole thing). We thought it was stupid to not grocery shopping together since we were still planning on seeing out our lease, so we decided at the shops that we would have dinner and talk. Got home, she was on the phone to the internent guy and my buddy told me he was coming to get me and before i knew it i was out the door and at the bar with him. I blew her off even though she txt me if i was hungry and coming back soon? I did not reply and came home later that night, she put effort into the meal and i immediatey felt sick with guilt.
I thought that by blowing her off i would speed up the process of breaking up even though i love her with all my heart, and was terrified of letting go (stupid logic, i know).

I found out later this was the last straw for her and that things were done, i made a last ditch attempt to reconcile poured my heart out into a letter and sent her roses but she still felt the same and i thought it was done.We still continued to live together one day we were civil and would occasionally cuddle or even sleep together, tell each other that we miss one another and the next be at each others throats and me on the couch. This went on for a week or two, then had another go at talking about being civil. We went out for dinner and both agreed that we need a break, could still see a future together and the next evening i would move in with a male friend. We had the best conversation and evening in months and then yes you guessed it slept together.

The next day i thought that we could ride out living together then move onto to separate accom. I didn’t move in with buddy and the whole cycle started again and we were arguing again, so i finally did move out but we had dinner together and left on good terms. That night at 2am i get a txt “i need you”, i respond “is everything ok?”. I was worried for her but thought if she really was in trouble she would’ve called.
She had a trip booked home to see her family and friends where she grew up and began txting me at night asking how i was, what i was up to and that the town we are living in felt more like home everyday. We would flirt via txt, tease each other and once she said “i’m just an ex gf that cares dearly for you!” WHich got me so excited to see her when she got back.
The night she got back she txt me and for some reason my phone didn’t register it until the next day, and i was so angry that i missed that chance and i saw her we talked briefly then i went to a party and asked her what she was doing after work and if she wanted to catch up? She told me that she was going out with friends and could i take a rain check.
I was devastated, walked back home drunk and went to bed until i get a call at 5am from her more drunk than i’ve ever seen her and she’s at the apartment door. Instead of letting her in a walked her home and told her we would talk tomorro when she was sober. She then hugs me and tells me how amazing i am, goes to bed then txts me that she sorry and thankyou xoxo and all that.
I woke up in the morning said we need to talk sooner the better, tell her i want her as my gf and if she feels different then i have to move on because the hurt was getting unbearable, i couldn’t stand the constant mind games.
After i sent her a msg and said i couldn’t do this anymore, i wanted no contact until we got over each other and if she could delete my number if she couldn’t refrain. She replied that it was the best relationship shes ever had, was scared she would never find that feeling again but didn’t know if we could get back what we had and finished saying she doesn’t want to lose me. I agreed with her and said that if there’s ever hope for us being together or even being friends that we need NC and and to respect each others space. She responded that i make her happy and it’s too hard to just cut it off.

I didn’t reply and thought to myself that i didn’t want to lose her as a friend and that she was still the sweetest and most beautiful woman i’ve ever laid eyes.

It was 3 days later that i thought of txting her, and at the same time she walked right into my workplace??!!(coincidence?)
We talked for ten minutes went through, happy, sad, her almost crying, then agreed that it was too hard to just cut off all ties. I was finishing work in 30 minutes, then asked me if i wanted to come over after work. I did, we began to have sex then stopped midway because it felt weird. Then tried again and was great and cuddled after. We decided that maybe we could be friends and start hanging out in the future but to take things very slow and maybe throw in the occasionally booty call, but i think now sex is a bad idea and could cause more problems. That night we began txting each other initiated by myself strangely enough, and i woke up with a txt saying that “is it bad that i want to cuddle you and sleep beside you”.

So here i am, i am very grateful that you’ve taken the time to read this. I know it is long but felt that it would be easier to understand in more detail.

Cheers joseph.m

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]Are all women this confusing?[/quote]

I don’t think she’s the one who’s confusing. I think you’re confusing yourself by not being clear or consistent in what you want. If you want to date her, then date her. If you want a relationship that’s drama-free, then stop acting dramatically. You have choices in your own behavior, so choose your actions that will help you get what you want. But if you don’t know what you want (a girlfriend, a friend, a booty call, etc.), then you’re going to continue to confuse yourself and her. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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[joseph.m]

Thank you so much April, i’m amazed you responded so quickly.
Thanks for the advice, i think you hit the nail on the head with my confusion.I have noticed i’ve changed for the better in the last month, quick smoking and work out 4 times a week now and feeling better about myself.
I know i want her more than anything and think she still wants me although i did forget that i left out one detail, that when i told her we needed to talk “sooner the better” i told her i want her to be my girlfriend again, she said it was too soon and thats when i said i was moving on.
Is the right idea to take it slow and build from the ground up.

Thanks again

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very welcome. 😀

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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[joseph.m]

Hi April,

Sorry to bug you again, but in the last post i sent you i said that i told her that i wanted her as my girlfriend again and she said it was too soon. She has also told me she has doubts whether we will ever get back what we had.

I want her back but don’t know what the next move is, please help.

Thanks again joseph.m

[Ask April Masini]

You told her you’re moving on, so that’s what I suggest you do.

You can’t flip flop back and forth and then call her confusing. When you say one thing and then do another, you create drama and confusion, which is why you wrote me in the first place. 😉

My advice is that you stick to what you said you’d do and move on — especially since the two of you seem to have had such an up and down relationship.

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[joseph.m]

Your logic is right i know.
But no matter what i try i still think about her 24/7 and love her.
Thanks again for all your advice

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very welcome. 😀

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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[Ethan Morales]

That’s a really intense story, and honestly, it shows how much you care and how deeply you feel things. April Masini’s answer cuts straight to the truth, and I think she’s absolutely right. This isn’t really about her being confusing it’s about you being caught between two emotional extremes: wanting her, but also wanting peace. You’ve been acting from pain and impulse instead of clarity, and that’s why everything feels so chaotic. You love her, but your actions keep contradicting what you say you want.

From what you described, there’s a pattern of emotional whiplash one moment, you’re all in, pouring your heart out, and the next, you’re pulling away, saying you can’t do this anymore. That back-and-forth energy isn’t sustainable, and it’s leaving both of you unsure where you stand. Even though it comes from love and fear of loss, it’s creating confusion and mistrust. When April says “you’re confusing yourself,” she means that your indecision is bleeding into every part of your connection. Until you know what you truly want, there’s no stable ground for the two of you.

The other thing is love alone doesn’t make a relationship work. You can love someone with every fibre of your being and still not be good for each other right now. What’s happening between you two feels less like harmony and more like a cycle of craving and rejection, getting close, feeling the warmth, then pulling back out of fear or guilt. That’s emotional exhaustion disguised as passion. And it’s the kind of pattern that will only stop when one of you makes a firm choice and sticks to it.

If you truly want her back, then you need to show it through steady, emotionally grounded behaviour not grand gestures, late-night talks, or mixed signals. That means: no “booty call” arrangements, no comfort cuddles that reopen wounds. You’d have to rebuild the trust brick by brick, with patience and consistency. But if you realise you can’t give her (or yourself) that stability, the kindest thing is to step back and let both of you heal separately.

What’s also worth reflecting on is your self-awareness you already recognize that you bottle emotions, brush things off, and then explode when it’s too late. That’s the part of you that needs attention right now. Before you try to fix “us,” you need to fix “me.” Learn how to express yourself before things reach a breaking point. That kind of emotional maturity is what prevents this cycle from repeating, with her or anyone else.

April’s advice is spot on stop flipping between extremes. Choose one path, even if it’s painful. If it’s truly love, it’ll survive clarity. And if it’s just attachment mixed with regret, then letting go will eventually bring you peace. Either way, being honest with yourself is the only way out of this loop.

[Sally]

When things end in this slow, messy way, it’s like you’re both breaking up and still holding on at the same time. That push-pull feeling will make anyone lose their mind a little.

From the outside, it doesn’t look like she’s trying to confuse you. It just looks like two people who still care but don’t know how to let go or start over. I’ve been there, and it’s wild how easy it is to slip back into old habits even when you know they hurt.

What you’re feeling isn’t crazy. It’s just what happens when the emotional stuff never really stops. If you want clarity, you’ve got to step out of the loop for a while. Even if that sucks.

Give yourself some air. Things look different when you’re not tangled up in her every day.

[Natalie Noah]

There is a lot of intense emotion and history between you two, but the cycle you’re describing is a classic example of emotional confusion and instability. You both seem to care deeply for each other, yet neither of you has established a clear boundary or consistent approach to what you want. The constant flip-flopping living together while broken up, cuddling, texting obsessively, sleeping together sporadically creates a storm of mixed signals that can be exhausting for both parties. The intensity of feelings is undeniable, but feelings alone don’t create a stable foundation for a relationship. Right now, it seems like both of you are reacting to emotion rather than setting a conscious, deliberate path forward.

It’s also apparent that your desire to “take it slow” is being constantly undermined by the pull of chemistry and familiarity. This pattern makes it almost impossible to build the clarity and space needed to heal from the breakup and evaluate what you both truly want. The momentary reconciliations, physical intimacy, and emotional bursts may feel good in the short term, but they reinforce the cycle of confusion rather than resolving it. You’re both still entwined in the emotional residues of your past, and until there’s a firm boundary or a conscious break, it’s difficult to see how this pattern will naturally lead to a sustainable relationship.

The advice you were given to stick with what you said and move on is crucial here. You’ve already communicated a desire to take a step back, and constantly reversing course undermines both your clarity and her ability to make her own choices. By stepping back and maintaining the space you initially established, you give both of you the chance to process, gain perspective, and determine whether a future relationship is truly possible rather than one built on emotional momentum and reactive behavior. Consistency is far more valuable than passion when it comes to long-term relationship decisions.

Ultimately, the healthiest next step is to respect the boundaries you set for yourself. Focus on your own growth, maintain the distance you agreed upon, and allow both of you to reflect. If there is genuine compatibility and desire for a relationship, it will emerge once both of you have clarity. Acting impulsively out of longing or guilt only perpetuates the cycle of emotional instability and can cause deeper hurt. Moving forward with deliberate, thoughtful action is the most loving thing you can do for yourself and for her.

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