[apple123]

Hi April,

i have met a guy that i am not sure if we are dating or we’re just friends with Benefit – i will try to keep my situation as simple as possible

i am in my mid 20s and i met a guy who is 6 years older than me. from what i gather he has been single for 6 months or so and has kids (he hasn’t told me this, i found out myself via FB)

we first met in March-14 via work (not colleagues, i’m the customer and his the supplier). we met again online through a dating app, he gave me his work mobile number and then one day we met up for coffee. then the next week we had lunch and then the week after we met again for the 3rd time and it was a date this time, he took me out to dinner, had dessert and went for a stroll. as we were walking he put his arm around my waist… and later that night we ended up holding hands and kissing. everything went well, i felt quite happy and he seemed to have a good time.

he seems like a busy guy, he has 2 jobs and works 7 days a week.. so we only see each other once a week.. on the days that i don’t see him, he doesn’t call or text me at all.. i try to initiate it but he just seems to be so busy to reply but when we’re together we’re happy and it looks like we are officially dating because when we go out to dinner, coffee etc we’re holding hands and kissing in public.

a month after we first met, we had sex. after we were done he looked at me and he asked me “do i have myself a keeper?” i smiled back and nodded. i assumed that from that night we were officially together but i might be wrong. after that night we still only see each other once a week, we don’t really talk or text as much as id like on the days we don’t see each other, nothing has really changed.

it’s been roughly 2-3 months now and i don’t know where i stand. what our relationship is and now i’m unsure of how he really feels. the whole time from the beginning, i always contacted him through his work number that he gave me. he has a personal mobile phone that he uses in front of me, he doesn’t attempt to hide it or anything, but he hasn’t given me that phone number, he always uses his work phone instead. he had to move to a different location for work, so that meant he had to leave his work phone behind and get a new one when he got to his new location. he kept mentioning that he would give me his new work number when he got there but never insisted to give me his personal mobile. i don’t understand why he did that.

i am confused. i don’t know where i stand and i’m afraid to ask him because i really like him. when i am with him i am the happiest i have ever been. but when i am not with him or i don’t hear from him, i feel like we’re distant…

what do i do? is he even taking me seriously?

regards

Shelly.

[Ask April Masini]

Good question. 🙂

You’re not friends with benefits because he seems to be dating you. However, the ball in this game, lies in your court. 😉 If you want a man who is looking for marriage or a long-term, committed relationship, than you should pay attention to whether or not he is that person. That he didn’t tell you he has kids, means he isn’t interested in this being a deal breaker for you or not. In other words, he’s only interested in dating and having fun right now. If a guy was interested in finding someone to marry or live with long-term, he’d tell you he had kids up front so that you could decide if this was okay for you or not. Likewise, if you are someone who’s interested in a long-term, committed relationship that leads to marriage, you would find out about his marital status and kids up front, too. Now that you found out about his children from social media, it would make a lot of sense to ask him about them. That’s what the dating process is for — to get to know each other. 🙂

The dating once a week could be the sign of a busy man who’s focused on his career, and you mentioned he’s working two jobs, so that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not into you. He’s just got different priorities right now. Some marriages are super busy with careers — but still good marriages. However, the fact that he isn’t very upfront about how long he’s been divorced, or that he has kids, is definitely a red flag. But like I said before, the ball is in your court to bring this up, now.

As a rule of thumb, use the first three months of dating someone to get to know them and decide if you want to continue dating them. Assume he’s playing the field, and you should be, too. That will keep you from being anxious, needy, or making decisions because you’ve prematurely taken yourself off the market. 😉 Use the second three month period of dating to decide if you want to be monogamous. I know you like him, and sex changes things, but you’re asking the right questions, so don’t lose your instincts because you like some things about him. If he’s not interested in marriage, or if he’s still married, or anything else you don’t know about him, he may be a great guy who doesn’t share your goals or values. That’s not illegal or immoral but it is incompatible. 🙂

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[redlotus]

hi April!

thankyou for your feedback and advice.

a months gone by and we are no longer seeing each other.

i was getting annoyed that i only got to see him once every 2-3 weeks. we don’t really talk when we don’t see each other so for him to see me once every 2-3 weeks was getting irritating for me. so one evening i messaged him and asked him if he was going to see me this week and he said he’ll try though as his been tired with work etc. so i replied and said although i enjoy the time we’ve spent together, i don’t like seeing him once every few weeks and that i’d see him again if he was able to see me more often if not then thanks for time his spent with me so far.

and since then (2 weeks) i haven’t had a response that at all….

all the time we spent and what not, did i mean nothing to him? was i just there for his fun?

i want a response from him. i miss him and i want to see him again. should i initiate and call him out and discuss it and get this problem out of my hair??

x

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you’re acting as if the two of you have had more of a commitment than he felt that you did. The reality is that he’s newly out of a relationship, maybe gun-shy, and didn’t even tell you he had kids while the two of you were dating. When a guy has kids and doesn’t tell you about him, it’s a sign that he’s not interested in something serious. For whatever reason. In addition, he was on at least one dating site you know of, so you should assume that he’s playing the field. In other words, there are other women he’s dating as well as you — and he may be assuming that you’re dating other men, as well. It’s pretty normal to do so during the first few months of dating. 😉

His not contacting you for two to three weeks at a time may be because he’s super going through a divorce (you didn’t mention if he was divorced or not), busy with his kids, or is super busy with his career. This is an opportunity for you to decide if you want to date a guy who is divorcing, or is a single dad or has a successful and busy career, because if you do, then you have to understand his time constraints and decide if you’re a compatible match for a guy with a divorce, kids and/or a successful career.

As for his not contacting you after your last message to him, I think you should not call him to discuss your feelings further. Instead, for next time, remember that if you want a guy to want you and to want to spend time with you, you have to give him reason to. 😎 In other words, allure him. Putting down an ultimatum never works. There’s a book I wrote that will help you get a perspective on this — it’s called [b]Think & Date Like a Man[/b], and you can buy it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. I think it might help you.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Ethan Morales]

The relationship is clearly more than casual sex, but it’s not yet defined as a serious, committed relationship. The public displays of affection, dates, and intimacy suggest emotional and physical connection, but the lack of clarity around exclusivity, communication, and life transparency (like not telling her he has kids) signals that he’s keeping some distance or testing the waters. It’s normal to feel confused when the signals are mixed.

April Masini’s point about the “ball being in your court” is important. Shelly’s attraction and emotional investment are high, but she’s the one who needs to assess whether his current lifestyle, priorities, and level of transparency align with her goals for a long-term relationship. If she wants marriage or a serious commitment, she must evaluate whether he is ready or willing to meet those expectations. His omission about his kids is a red flag it suggests he may not be prioritizing long-term compatibility right now.

His work schedule and limited contact can be interpreted in multiple ways. A man with two jobs is genuinely busy, but consistent absence, lack of daily communication, and reliance on a work phone rather than personal contact could indicate either practical constraints or an emotional boundary. Shelly’s longing for more connection is valid, but she also has to weigh whether his level of engagement meets her needs for attention and consistency.

The early sexual intimacy complicates the dynamics. His question after sex “Do I have myself a keeper?” could be flirtatious, playful, or testing her reaction. But it doesn’t automatically translate to commitment. Masini’s advice about using the first three months of dating to assess compatibility is crucial: sexual chemistry doesn’t equal long-term alignment. She must actively decide what she wants from him and whether he matches those expectations.

Transparency about his past and present life is essential. Shelly discovered he has kids on her own, and he hasn’t shared details about previous relationships or marital status. This is significant because it’s information that would affect any decision to pursue a serious relationship. Masini emphasizes that in early dating, both parties are essentially “testing the field,” and Shelly should assume he may be exploring other options until clear commitment is established.

The key takeaway is that Shelly needs clarity and boundaries. She should communicate her needs and expectations without ultimatums, observe whether his actions match his words, and decide whether she’s comfortable continuing under these conditions. If she wants a committed, marriage-oriented partner, she needs to ensure he is equally ready and forthcoming. Until then, she should protect her emotional investment and maintain perspective desire and chemistry are not enough to guarantee long-term compatibility.

[Tara]

You’re not his girlfriend, you’re his convenience. He sees you once a week because that’s all he’s willing to give you. He doesn’t text because he doesn’t feel obligated to. He doesn’t give you his personal number because he’s compartmentalizing you — you get the “work phone” version of him, not the real one. That alone tells you exactly where you stand.

A man with two jobs, kids, and zero free time doesn’t suddenly lose the ability to send a text. Busy men make time for the women who matter. He’s not too busy; he’s uninterested in investing more than the bare minimum. And the night he slept with you and asked, “Do I have myself a keeper?” That wasn’t a declaration of commitment. That was a post-sex ego stroke to keep you hooked. If he meant it, you wouldn’t still be sitting here wondering what you are to him.

You’re scared to ask for clarity because you already know the answer will hurt. The inconsistency, the emotional distance, the lack of access to his real life all of it screams the same thing: he’s treating you like a casual option he sees when it fits his schedule, not a relationship he’s building.

[Sally]

It’s hard to feel close to someone one night and then feel like a stranger the rest of the week. I’ve been in something like that, and the silence in between can make you doubt everything.
Here’s the quiet truth: if a man wants something real, he doesn’t keep you on his work phone. He doesn’t only show up once a week. He doesn’t make you guess. You shouldn’t have to read his mind to know where you stand.

You don’t have to confront him with some big speech. Just ask a simple, calm question next time you’re with him “What are we doing here?” How he answers will tell you everything.
Don’t shrink yourself just because you like him. You’re allowed to want clarity.

[Natalie Noah]

He enjoys spending time with you, and the physical intimacy and public displays of affection suggest that he has some emotional connection to you. That said, enjoying someone’s company and being physically close doesn’t automatically equate to long-term commitment or serious dating. The fact that he’s only seeing you once a week and doesn’t initiate contact on other days is a signal that his priorities or at least his focus lie elsewhere, whether it’s work, his children, or simply keeping his options open. That gap in communication is a real indicator to pause and reflect on what you want from a relationship.

The issue of him not telling you about his children and possibly being divorced or recently single is a red flag. While it’s not uncommon for someone newly single to ease into dating, withholding such key information can indicate he isn’t ready for something serious, or at least isn’t thinking about long-term compatibility. In other words, he may like you in the moment but hasn’t committed to transparency, which is a foundation for trust in any future relationship. You deserve clarity about these things so you can make informed decisions for yourself.

You’ve already sensed a discrepancy between your emotional investment and his. You’re seeking reassurance, consistent communication, and clarity about where this is going, while he seems content to maintain the current pace and ambiguity. April’s advice about dating in stages is practical: the first three months are really about evaluation, getting to know the person, and testing compatibility. It’s crucial to recognize that sex and romantic gestures can sometimes create an illusion of commitment that isn’t really there. Being aware of this helps protect your heart while you gather more information about his intentions.

His reliance on his work phone instead of giving you his personal number, even after moving, adds to the confusion. It may be practical for him, but it also keeps a boundary between your lives, signaling that he wants to maintain a level of separation. This doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t care, but it does mean he might not be prepared to integrate his life with yours in the deeper way you’re hoping for. His actions, rather than his occasional affectionate words, are the more reliable indicators of his priorities.

You need to take a step back and decide what kind of relationship is acceptable for you right now. If you’re looking for someone serious, transparent, and willing to invest emotionally even amid a busy life, then you need to have an honest conversation about his intentions. If he’s not ready, you have to weigh whether staying in this ambiguous space is truly serving you or simply leaving you anxious and uncertain. Remember, your happiness and emotional safety matter just as much as any excitement or chemistry.

[Serena Vale]

Shelly, I’m going to be real with you, this guy likes you, but he’s not giving you the clarity or consistency you deserve.

Seeing you once a week isn’t the problem. Busy men exist.
But not telling you he has kids? Only using his work number? No real effort to stay connected when you’re apart? Those are signs he’s keeping you in a limited space in his life.

And I know you’re scared to ask because you really like him, but that’s exactly why you should ask. You can’t build something real on confusion.

Just keep it simple:
“Hey, I really enjoy what we have, but I don’t know where I stand. What are you looking for?”

His answer will tell you everything.

You don’t need to beg, chase, or guess. If he wants something serious, he’ll be clear. If he doesn’t… at least you’ll stop breaking your own heart in the quiet moments.

Choose clarity, even if it’s uncomfortable. It hurts less than staying in limbo.

[Author]

Posts