[mthoodcyclist]

This is a long one and complicated. Sorry!

I am a mid forty-something, divorced a year ago single Dad. I share custody of my 12 year old daughter with my ex wife who lives just a couple miles away. I have a good career in an industry I worked in for over 20 years and chose to jump off the corporate ladder about 5 years ago to better balance my life and deal with some issues of my past (adult child of an alcoholic). I believe I’ve come a long way as far as awareness of my issues especially with enforcing boundaries, but still have work to do.

About seven months ago, I met a beautiful, bright, loving lady and our relationship grew relatively quickly into pretty intense love. We share a lot of common activities, are both deep thinkers, love to talk and listen, and have pretty open communication with each other. I feel very open to be affectionate and loving with her. Our core values seem to be in line better than I’ve expereienced with any other person. She has been separated from her husband for nearly two years, has three young children and is finalizing her divorce at this time. Her soon to be ex husband left her and her kids for another woman, with whom he is still with.

Dating with kids is hard, but dating someone with small kids and in the final stressful stages of a divorce presents some real relationship hurdles (parenting schedules, work, personal time, she co-sleeps with her three kids, divorce hearings, liquidation of assets, etc.). The one personality trait that I’ve had to get used to with my girlfriend is how “needy” she is. For example, she has repeatedly told me that she often feels disconnected from me during days we don’t see each other (maybe four days a week). She also states that she feels lonely at night and needs to talk to me after the kids go to sleep. This is often after 10pm and she wants to stay on the phone often times until after midnight. I work normal hours and this has caused me numerous tired mornings. I’ve confronted her a number of times to state that I have to be off the phone by 10:30 and in bed by 11, but she continues to push the envelope with the late calls. She has said to me that she will have to find someone else to talk to at those late hours and I have felt somewhat threatened by that statement. Before a recent important business trip of mine, we discussed that I would be tied up most of the time during the day and there is a three hour time change so I would not be available for impromptu calls or texts several times a day. She assured me that she would give some space during the trip. It started out fine and I called her in the morning and evening of each day to check in. By day three, she was calling and texting several times a day. When I returned, we had a “blow-up” where I stated that I was overwhelmed by her calls and felt that she didn’t respect me by giving me the space I needed to do my job. I also reiterated the issue I’m having with sleep due to the late calls, but I don’t believe she got it. Just this week, we had another argument due to her texting me at 3am about her being upset that I was having a birthday dinner for my daughter with my ex wife at a local restaurant. She used terms like “ex family” and “other woman”, which really bothered me. I texted her back at 4am that I was sorry she felt bad and that wasn’t my intention. I also expressed my dissatisfaction that she was communicating her feelings to me via text at 3am and not in person. She replied that she can’t help her feelings and will have to find a different outlet to express herself. We are at an impasse at this point.

Ok, so the problem I see at this point is that my girlfriend has a “needy” personality and I have issues enforcing my boundaries. I have hoped that her neediness would subside as she feels more secure in our relationship and when she gets beyond the stresses of her divorce, but I see myself struggling to feel healthy in this relationship. When I try to communicate that I’m not comfortable with certain things, she becomes very emotional and I end up feeling like the situation is my fault or feeling threatened that she will find someone else to help her fulfill her needs. I know that my inability or lack of strength to keep healthy boundaries has contributed to where we are today. I feel like I’ve allowed her to set the tone for me to expect that I will listen and help her resolve all her problems and issues, while I’ve ignored my own needs. I heard this term once: “adapt now –pay later”. Where do we go from here? Is it possible for us to “slow down” or do a “reset” in which we clearly state our needs and then respect each other’s boundaries while remaining close, open and connected moving forward? I’m just concerned the “neediness” won’t go away, but could grow worse.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem isn’t her. It’s you. You say one thing and do another. 😕

If you don’t want to talk on the phone after 10:30 p.m., then don’t. Hang up. Disconnect the phone. It’s pretty easy. If you don’t want to accept text messages at 3 a.m., then don’t. Turn off your phone. Put it in a drawer. Turn it on in the morning. Again, simple! But when you say you can’t stay on the phone, and then do so, you’re sending out mixed messages! 🙁

If she says she’s going to find someone else to talk to you if you’re not available, then take the hint: you’re expendable to her. 😳 She doesn’t sound very respectful of you, and therefore, not a good partner. Sorry! You haven’t met Ms. Right.

If you continue to enable her behavior, she’s going to continue to dish it out. So just stop it. Stop looking for her to be in charge. You’re in charge of you, so start taking charge of your life.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[mthoodcyclist]

You are so right and I know it!

I did have a calm, but direct conversation with her earlier today. I was honest and she got pretty upset. I’m not giving up on her, but I have written down four important boundaries on a piece of paper that is on my desk. Sounds stupid, but I’m going to see what I wrote every day and I intend to stay true to my feelings. Thanks for the advice!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome, and I’m glad I could help.

Writing down boundaries to remind yourself is a great idea! Use whatever tools you have, like this one, to help you stay true to who you are!

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

Posts