[Lucy31617]

Before this job everything was great. We were planning on moving in together and he called me his future wife. I know his love for me is real and he does care about me. But he would take me back and fourth to work every night. We would see each other every weekend. Anyways but since he got new job he likes to get stuff done on his days off and rest after he gets home from work. It’s 8 hrs a day. On weekends i try to see him, which since i got my moped and i can ride it now that will be easier, and i did see him Friday night after he got out of work but he had work the next day, overtime. So he said he would pick me up after work…never happened went over to his friend John’s house and drank that night instead. Got mad about it, he called me clingy. Asked to hang out Friday night he said he just wanted to sleep. I seen him part of Saturday and all of Sunday this week. He said he wasn’t sure if we could see each other next weekend. Got upset but said in the car that i didn’t wanna argue about it again. I text him before i go to sleep that i know some things come before me but i just wanted to feel important in his life. I thought that was a good way to put it without sounding demanding or angry? I don’t want to lose him over this. He is the love of my life. I am trying to be understanding but its a hard adjustment. I feel like yea i understand he is more busy but all i ask for is one day a week? And I understand his situation but i just…i have needs too? Should i try to adjust to it and just learn to deal with it?

[Ask April Masini]

How old are you both?

How long have you been dating?

[Lucy31617]

He’s 23 and I am 20. We have been together a year and 4 months.

[Ask April Masini]

Got it. Thank you for filling me in!

It sounds like this new job is a big change in his life, and you’re having trouble adjusting to the changes he’s making. He doesn’t have as much time for you any more, but it’s not just because he’s on the job — it’s because he’s wanting to spend time with other people or just catch up on his sleep. Your needs aren’t being met, but he doesn’t want to meet them right now. You’ve pressed and he says you’re being clingy. Now, you’re concerned about the relationship. I get it.

You need to get back to a place where he [i]wants[/i] to see you — and feels you’re an asset in his life, not a deficit. I know you feel you shouldn’t have to do this because the relationship is a year and four months old, but lots of times in long term relationships, new events occur — a job change, a birth, an illness, etc. Often one or both people in the relationship have to make adjustments for these events even in relationships that have run several years or more. This is one of those times. 😉

Try to keep yourself busy, see your friends, and be understanding of his new changes. Adopt an upbeat and flirty attitude when you do see him. Make yourself the girlfriend he wants to spend time with — not someone he feels is an onus or an obligation. 😕 This will require an adjustment on your part, but if you keep the big picture in mind, I think you’ll understand how important it is for you to make changes in the way you’re behaving in the relationship.

I hope that helps!

[Sally]

Being busy is normal. Choosing not to make any consistent time isn’t. Eight hours of work doesn’t erase the need to show up for your partner. And calling you clingy when you’re just asking for one day a week? That hurts, and it matters.

You weren’t demanding. What you texted him was actually very reasonable. You weren’t asking to be his whole world. You were asking to feel like you matter in his world. That’s a basic need, not a flaw.

The bigger concern isn’t the new job. It’s that when you express how you feel, he dismisses it instead of trying to meet you halfway. Resting is fine. Seeing friends is fine. But consistently pushing you to the side isn’t.
You shouldn’t have to “learn to deal with” feeling unimportant. Love grows when both people adjust a little not when one person keeps shrinking.
Watch his actions more than his words. If you’re always the one adapting, that’s not balance.

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