[JEANNIE]

Hi…okay to get to it…I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, we’ve had some hard times in the beginning because of his sons mother…but evrything has been great for about some years now. We just had a baby 8 months go which was planned. We’ve talked about marraige, buying a house and all the future stuff. I love this man with everything and I KNOW he loves me. About 6 months ago I got a phone on his plan leaving me access to our phone bill, after skimming over it (for no reason:he never gave me a reason to accuse him of anything) I kept seeing this same number everyday in his text(never calls). These text were usually M-F and only the times he was at work sometimes not everyday . After seeing this number on 8 months of phone bills I asked him who’s number it was. Of course he was upset I was snooping butt…Anyways he told me it was a friend(male)and he swore that it wasnt anything to be worried about. I had a funny feeling about this so I asked him again the next day he broke down and told me it was a friend (female) that he dated in highschool 10 years ago for about a yaer it did not work out(she also has a long time boyfriend right now). I do know her due to her being very close with his family because shes best friends with his cousin. So the thing is I am totally heart broken that I knew they were friends but not to that extent. When she first started being around the family we did not like eachother much, i felt at times she would say little things here and there. But maybe I was being paranoid. Other than that she and I are cool we talk from time to time on facebook and at parties. I invited her to my baby shower, which she thanked me for. She has invited me to a lil gathering at her home with her girlfriends and we’ve all been out together with a group of people. So I’ve been comfortable around her. I am upset that my boyfriend hide the fact that they would text and the fact that they were better friends than i originally thought. He went out of his way for 8 month to hide this and made sure to delete any messages in and out. He states he loves me and my daughter and that we are his world, that he never meant to hurt me but he was to nervous to tell me and didnt want me to think of it as anything because they are just friends and due to our history with his sons mother I did act a little crazy at times. Now like I said I love him and I decided not to leave him for this which I did threaten to do when I found out. I am trying to to forgive him and believe they are just friends she is still very friendly with me. She had asked to talk to me at the beginning of the yaer and when we spoke she told me she was happy he had found such a great girl and how happy he was. And through all this I never knew that all those months they had been talking. He stated they never spoke about the relationships they were in other than maybe some vacations or activities that were planned and just thinks you would talk about as friends. He states he absolutely has no feelings for her and boundries were never crossed. He has since stop texting with her but is still friendly when he sees her. He states he doesnt understand why I would think he would cheat on me and why Im so parinoid now. I just explained to him that after 7 years whether good or bad he should feel comfotable to tell me things like that so I dont feel so betrayed, I feel like he talked to her more than me and they must have more in common. And im hurt by the fact that he hid this from me for so long and lied to my face when i confronted him. I am now threstened by this girl due to my boyfriend putting this relationship with her before me and his daughter. I am now constantly thinking about this, thinking he must be bored. Am I wasting my time on this man?? And what is your perspective on this..WHAT should i do…how should i feel and how should i get over this. I am not that insecure but now i am….

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This a flashing yellow light in your relationship, but right now, it is not a deal breaker. No, he should not have been talking to his ex-girlfriend so frequently if he was happy in his relationship with you. And no, he should not have felt like he needed to hide this secret friendship from you.

That said, it doesn’t sound like they dated recently, slept together, or talked as anything other than secret friends. Because you have a child with this man, I think you have a lot more at risk than if you didn’t, so my suggestion is that you make sure you’re keeping up your part of the relationship bargain. Are you giving him something wonderful to come home to at night? 😎 Are you still at all enticing, fun and sexy — even with a new baby?

My advice is to work on the relationship and specifically, to do YOUR part by being the woman who wins your man back. Don’t forget that although you have a child together, you are still a woman, and he is looking for womanly companionship — not just being with the mother of his child. Dial up your sex life and your sex appeal, and see if that doesn’t help things.

Let me know if that helps, and how it all goes.

And I hope you’ll join me @AskAprilcom on Twitter as well as on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

hi,
so i took your advice which has been going good. He finally opened up and let me know everything. Stating there are absolutley no feelings, and boundries were never crossed not once. He stated he was very comfortable speaking with her and was nervous I would make a big deal of this, he said she always asked how i was and when ever they talked i was always mentioned.That it was never anything more than that. I take it for what it is but I will never really know!! It took along time for me to forgive for this just because I was so hurt by the hiding. He is a great man and I know he didnt mean any harm, he just is stupid like all men. She is still very friendly and has recently invited me to a get together at her place. I still have a little thing against her due to this which i can keep to myself. Deep down sometimes I believe he may feel a certain way towards her and not want to share this with me. My question is from your perpective do you believe that this could really be platonic friends or do you believe deep down he feels some sort of way??

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re looking to create a problem that doesn’t exist. If you keep picking at a scab that is just about to heal, you’re going to open up the wound, make it worse and possible get it infected. You just told me you took my advice 😀 and that things were a lot better since. Now STAY on that track, don’t go backwards and start looking for problems about what he feels deep down inside.

Feelings are not behaviors, and the latter is much more important in a mature relationship. Don’t tip the apple cart when you have a child together. Keep nurturing the relationship with your boyfriend, and focus on the good instead of trying to unearth some fantom bad!

See you on Facebook: [url][/url], and I hope you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter if you haven’t already! 🙂

[Member]

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