[shalie]

Hi there,

Here goes my story:

There is this guy I met on the internet and we’ve been going out on dates for a couple of times.
I like him and he seems to be a really good guy; however, the problem is that he doesn’t seem (well that’s the impression he gives at least )to know the dating etiquette (paying at least for the first date, holding hands, cuddling etc). We never talk on the phone, we only chat through msn every 2-3 days and meet up every 1-2 weeks. He seems to be a very shy guy and recently I asked him and he told me that he has never been in a real relationship and has never been through more than 3 dates with a girl because he thought they were not compatible( He told me that I am the girl he’s been seeing for the longest so far). I confronted him by saying that I was confused since all the guys I’ve been dating so far had been making it clear to me when they were intereste…and he simply told me that well, if he wasn’t interested he would not have gone out with me more than once. He said that he was a very introverted person (he very much seems like one) and he warned me that it takes a lot of time for him to warm with anyone but that eventually he will warm up.

I do not know what to think about this. Is he really into me and not able to show his feelings or is he saying this just to be polite and doesn’t really have an interest for me? The thing is that, I like this guy but I do not want to lose my time on someone who doesn’t really like me. Introverted or not, I guess that it WOULD at some point be clear if a guy is really into you, right? Should I continue to see him or cut it off?

Need some clarification…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The question here isn’t does he like you, the question is do you like him? Remember, you’re the prize in the relationship, and he needs to chase you and win you. Men feel best about themselves when they’ve won something, and when it comes to dating, that something is you. If you make it too easy for him, then he’ll never be able to chase and win you.

If you’re not really sure if you want to invest any more time with this guy, I’d advise that you continue to play the field and date other people at the same time as this guy. There’s no reason to be monogamous with him just yet. You don’t know each other well enough to cut off your other options. Remember, this other rule I have: dating is a numbers game. You have to get out there and get up to bat in order to hit a home run, and the more times you’re up at bat, the more likely the chances you’ll hit a home run. Apply that sports analogy to dating and you’ll understand how important it is for you to date a lot of people to find one who’s really right for you.

If you’re dating lots of other guys who do know about paying for the first date, holding hands, and other social manners, and you still pine for this guy you’ve written me about, then you’d know that he’s a guy you’re interested in and one you’re willing to cut a break on his eccentricities. But if you grow tired of his failure to phone you, and only chatting on the internet with you two or three times a week, then your answer will be clear. He wasn’t the one.

[Lizzy_09]

[quote=”April Masini”]The question here isn’t does he like you, the question is do you like him? Remember, you’re the prize in the relationship, and he needs to chase you and win you. Men feel best about themselves when they’ve won something, and when it comes to dating, that something is you.[/quote]Exactly April.

[quote]I’d advise that you continue to play the field and date other people at the same time as this guy.
[/quote]He’s probably dating other women while dating you. Trying to compare one from the other. A friend of mine used to say “gather them all and select the best”. You should do the same.

[quote]if you grow tired of his failure to phone you, and only chatting on the internet with you two or three times a week, then your answer will be clear. He wasn’t the one.[/quote] Don’t make it easy for him. Remember, their are so many fishes in the sea.

[shalie]

Thank you a lot for these insights… I am actually very thankful for the advices because I do not have a lot of experience with dating and I do not know how to decode guys. The few guys I have been seeing in the past were charmers, sweet-talkers who actually didn’t really care. I was thinking that if I dated this new guy who seems to be pretty introverted and inexperienced in relationships then things would be different. But he doesn’t seem to care at all either (still doesn’t call me, and ignores me when I’m online). He might have said that he is interested in me, but as in the book “He’s just not that into you”, a guy might say something but his behaviour tells a whole different story.
I am quite discouraged right now… there are plenty of fishes in the see but I don’t seem to be able to catch any.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

[Natalie Noah]

Interpreting the difference between words and actions. She clearly likes this introverted, inexperienced guy, but his minimal effort rare online chats, lack of phone calls, and limited in-person engagement sends mixed signals. While he may genuinely be shy or slow to warm up, shalie’s instinct that his behavior doesn’t match his words is valid. Actions often speak louder than words, and a man who is genuinely interested will find ways to show it consistently, even if he’s introverted.

The advice she received about dating others simultaneously is crucial. By exploring other options, shalie gains clarity about what she truly wants and can better assess whether this guy is worth her emotional investment. It also shifts the dynamic: she becomes the “prize” to be won, which naturally encourages him to make an effort. If she focuses solely on him without seeing other people, it risks prolonging frustration and disappointment.

Her observation that charmers in the past weren’t genuinely invested is also important. She seems to recognize a pattern: either overly smooth guys who weren’t serious, or quiet, inexperienced men who don’t show clear signs of interest. This awareness can help her recalibrate expectations and look for behaviors that actually signal genuine investment rather than relying solely on verbal assurances.

The choice comes down to what shalie values. If she’s willing to be patient with someone inexperienced and introverted, she must see small, consistent actions that indicate interest. If his behavior continues to feel distant or disengaged despite opportunities to connect, it’s a sign to move on. Her time and energy are valuable, and finding someone whose words and actions align will bring a healthier and more fulfilling connection.

[Member]

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