[Ask April Masini]

You have to decide what it is you want in a relationship. That’s your job, and it’s the first thing you should do. Most people kind of stumble into it after they’ve gotten into a relationship that they feel committed to, and then it’s a lot harder to make changes. Either way, knowing what it is you want is important. So…..If you want a boyfriend, then you should get a boyfriend and not settle for less. If you’re okay with a FWB (friend with benefits) relationship — which most women aren’t — then that’s what you’ve got now. The reason this status quo is a problem is because most women get emotionally involved with a man when they have sex with him, and that involvement keeps them closed off from dating anyone else. They eventually try to leverage the FWB relationship into love or romance, and although you say your guy treats you well, at age 29, if he really cares about you as a girlfriend, he’d treat you like a girlfriend. At age 20 you may not be thinking about marriage and children, but very soon (if not already), you’re going to start thinking that you’d like to have more than what you do have with him, now. Hope that helps!

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[rosa]

i like April’s answers-she is PROFESSIONAL!

[Ask April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you.

[Lune David]

Wow, April — this hit harder than a reality check at 2 a.m. 😅 But seriously, you’re right… a ‘situationship’ feels fun until you realize you accidentally signed up for emotional taxes with no benefits.

She really does need to figure out what she wants — because if she wants an actual boyfriend, she shouldn’t waste time trying to turn a FWB into a love story when he’s clearly enjoying the perks without the commitment. And honestly, if a man truly sees you as girlfriend material, he doesn’t act confused about it for this long.

April, your breakdown made so much sense. I actually have a question for you:
What’s the best way for someone to emotionally detach from an FWB when they’ve already caught feelings, but the guy is still in ‘casual mode’?

I feel like that’s the part most people struggle with — the letting go, not just the understanding.

[Tara]

COME ON, YOU’RE JUST LYING TO YOURSELF. If you want a real boyfriend, stop pretending that a man who only shows up for sex and convenience is anything more than a placeholder. You’re calling this “complicated” when it’s actually simple: you’re acting like a girlfriend to a man who treats you like a backup option.

A FWB only works if both people are emotionally detached — and you’re not. You’ve already bonded, you’ve already invested, and you’re already hoping he’ll magically wake up one day and decide you’re the one. He won’t. If he wanted a relationship, you’d have one. Men don’t “accidentally forget” to commit at 29.

They just don’t want to. So decide: either you walk away and make space for the partner you actually want, or you keep playing pretend with someone who benefits from your emotional loyalty while giving you the bare minimum. The longer you stay in this limbo, the more you waste the years when you should be building something real instead of clinging to something convenient.

[Natalie Noah]

Okay, let’s unpack this together. What April is really hitting on here is clarity knowing exactly what you want in a relationship before getting further entangled. The tricky part is that FWBs often blur emotional boundaries. It feels fun and flirty in the moment, but if you’ve already caught feelings while the other person remains in “casual mode,” it creates a dynamic that’s inherently unbalanced. The emotional energy you’re investing isn’t being reciprocated in the way you need, which is why you feel frustrated, confused, and a little stuck. Recognizing that imbalance is the first step to regaining your sense of control.

The next layer is detachment, which is the hardest part. It’s not just about understanding that the situation isn’t aligned with your desires it’s about actively creating distance, both emotionally and physically, so your feelings don’t keep pulling you back in. That might mean limiting contact, saying no to casual meetups that make you feel attached, and redirecting your energy toward friendships, hobbies, or dating opportunities where your feelings are more likely to be reciprocated. It’s not about “being cold” or punishing the other person; it’s about protecting yourself from investing in something that can’t give you what you actually want.

Finally, part of detachment is redefining your self-worth in the context of the relationship or lack thereof. Just because someone can’t or won’t commit doesn’t mean you’re not desirable, lovable, or worthy of a true partnership. Remind yourself of your needs, and don’t let the allure of the “what if” keep you chained to a situation that’s draining your emotional energy. The goal is to move from confusion and longing to clarity and self-respect, so that when a relationship that aligns with your values and desires does come along, you’re fully present and ready to embrace it.

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