[midnightlilly]

What does having a casual relationship mean?

I think that is currently what I am having with a man that I have known for awhile. I was really trying to get over him and he dragged me back in over the weekend. I went out on Saturday night, and he was at the same bar I like to drink at, when it was time to leave, he took off to another bar down the street, our friends called him and tried to get him to come back, but he was pretty drunk and being quite a pain. So I said “oh hell,” I’ll just go get him, I dragged him out of the bar and what do you know our friends left him. I am so attracted to this man, I took him home and we slept together again. I had a few beers but I was not that drunk, I never stay the night with him, I usually leave by 7am. I really would like to stay with him, but I have a nosy mother, I finally just told her that is where I am.
I know he is a jerk, he has told me several times what he is, but I just don’t let him bother me. He knows that I care about him, and if I wasn’t so cool and knew better the two ” I love you’s” he said might be taken the wrong way. He said nice things about my body, ” don’t change it.” I know that I don’t love him, I believe that it takes a long time to love someone, I only care about him.

I don’t know if he set me up, or our friends set us up, or it was just coincidence. He came up to me in the bar and said “Oh there you are”, I got up and walked away, then I was chatting with some people and he grabbed my hand and squeezed it. I think our friends know what is going on between us. I am just ready to yell at him because he texts me and asks me if I am ignoring him. Then I text him back and he ignores me. I really don’t know how he feels about me, we have never talked about it.

I just wish he would be honest with me, and end it or say what he wants. I am at the point where I just don’t care, I asked a guy out that I met a couple of weeks ago and had plans this weekend, but now I probably should cancel them, since I have went and done this again.

I should have stayed away, we broke it off two weeks ago and I said that I did not want to see him for awhile, and he said back let’s take a break for awhile. I am just one screwed up woman, my emotions are bouncing off the walls. Do I have the right to confront him? I already know that he is going to hurt me, because he doesn’t really want me. He’s just drunk, I have been drinking when we come together, but he always calls me when he is in a jam.

[optimistvik]

I dont want to give any advise but just a word of caution see to it that he dont break your heart. play safe.

[Ask April Masini]

I can help you with this one! 🙂

Your friend wants to have sex with you, when it’s convenient for him, and that’s it. You will never get a commitment from him. Just sex. When he wants it.

In answer to your question at the bottom of your post, no, you do not have a right to confront him. He hasn’t done anything wrong. You turned the tables, and pursued him, as if you were a guy. You went home with him and slept with him, then left at 7 a.m. He’s now got all the power, because he’s become the girl in the relationship and you want him more than he wants you. He holds all the cards, and can get what he wants from you. Which in this case, is just sex. He’ll text you, call you, or flirt with you and act like you’re together when he wants sex, but as soon as he gets it, he’ll be focused on himself again.

Try not to pretend that his texts, e-mails, calls and flirting are genuine tokens of affection. They’re not. They’re just tools he uses to get sex from you. So, don’t trick yourself into thinking something is going on that isn’t. That should alleviate a lot of your confusion.

You don’t need to “break it off” because there is nothing [b]to[/b] break off. Just ignore him. That’ll give you your freedom! 🙂

I would, however, caution you against taking the male role in relationships any more. Stop asking men out on dates. If you don’t, you’re going to continually find yourself in this kind of situation over and over again. Break this pattern, and [b]you[/b] be the girl for a change! 🙂

[midnightlilly]

Your friend wants to have sex with you, when it’s convenient for him, and that’s it. You will never get a commitment from him. Just sex. When he wants it. [i]I knew that after the first couple of times, his friends just left him for me to deal with on Saturday, did they set us up, or was I just stupid again?
[/i]
In answer to your question at the bottom of your post, no, you do not have a right to confront him. He hasn’t done anything wrong. You turned the tables, and pursued him, as if you were a guy. You went home with him and slept with him, then left at 7 a.m. He’s now got all the power, because he’s become the girl in the relationship and you want him more than he wants you. He holds all the cards, and can get what he wants from you. Which in this case, is just sex. He’ll text you, call you, or flirt with you and act like you’re together when he wants sex, but as soon as he gets it, he’ll be focused on himself again. [i] Yeah, you’re probably right, he does have the power. This isn’t an excuse, but I still live at home and have a nosy mother who wants to know what I am doing.
[/i]
Try not to pretend that his texts, e-mails, calls and flirting are genuine tokens of affection. They’re not. They’re just tools he uses to get sex from you. So, don’t trick yourself into thinking something is going on that isn’t. That should alleviate a lot of your confusion. [i]Nah, I knew he was manipulating me, he has done it before and I let him get by with it.
[/i]
You don’t need to “break it off” because there is nothing to break off. Just ignore him. That’ll give you your freedom! 🙂 [i] I never thought of it that way, so I really am a free woman, if I talked to other guys that I liked, I felt bad like I was cheating somehow.[/i]

I would, however, caution you against taking the male role in relationships any more. Stop asking men out on dates. If you don’t, you’re going to continually find yourself in this kind of situation over and over again. Break this pattern, and you be the girl for a change! 🙂 [i]I know, but then I would never get dates…[/i]

[Ask April Masini]

It took me a little while to figure out that you had reposted my response, and then put your own questions in italics! Hope that helps any other readers who are confused. 😉

In response to your question about not knowing if your friends set you up or not — it doesn’t matter. Truly! It doesn’t matter one iota what your friends did or didn’t do. It’s all about what [b]you[/b] do! You know, if your friends tell you to jump off a bridge, you probably shouldn’t do it! 😆 You have to use your own common sense and your own sense of responsibility for your actions. So, if you spent the night with your boyfriend, that’s on you — not them. It doesn’t matter if they set you up, wanted you to sleep with him, or didn’t want you to sleep with them. All that matters is [i]your[/i] behavior.

As for your second point about living with your “nosy mother” and wondering if you have a right to confront your boyfriend, again, it really doesn’t matter what she wants to know or not know. It’s all about you. You can’t make other people your excuses for yourself. You have to decide how you want to live your life, and what decisions you choose to make. Your mom has a right to be nosy, but that has nothing to do with what you decide to do.

I’m glad that you can now see yourself as a free woman! You can talk to, flirt with, and date whomever you want. You [b]are[/b] free! 🙂

And lastly, but most importantly, you’re wrong when you say that if you don’t ask men out you’d never have dates. You would definitely have dates — especially if you adhere to my rules, tips and advice in Think & Date Like A Man. And more importantly, because you didn’t approach the men as the aggressor, you would know who really wants to take you out, and not just for sex, but because they want the whole package with you. Of course, that requires some discrimination — if all you want is sex, that’s not so hard to get! — but if you want Mr. Right and the whole nine yards of the fairy tale life, you really do have to start acting like the girl! 😎

[Ethan Morales]

What’s happening here is an emotional loop that keeps pulling you back into something that looks like connection but really isn’t. You care about this man, but he’s not offering anything beyond physical moments. He knows how you feel maybe not through words, but through your actions and he’s using that awareness to keep you in orbit. Every time you try to step away, he finds just enough of a hook a text, a drunk “I love you,” or a bit of charm to pull you back in. It’s not about love for him. It’s about convenience and control.

You’re torn because your heart wants honesty and emotional reciprocity, but he’s only giving you fragments just enough to keep you hopeful. His inconsistency (texting, then ignoring you) isn’t confusion; it’s calculation. It keeps the dynamic on his terms. And you’re stuck in the role of reacting to him instead of choosing what’s healthy for you. That’s why your emotions feel like they’re “bouncing off the walls.” It’s not love it’s the instability of being emotionally starved in something that feels half-real.

April Masini’s point about power is harsh but true. When you pursue someone who isn’t emotionally invested, it flips the dynamic he gets to sit back, choose when to engage, and you’re left waiting for crumbs. That’s not weakness on your part, it’s human hopefulness but it’s a hope that needs boundaries. The way to break this pattern isn’t by confronting him; it’s by quietly removing your energy from it altogether. You don’t need to fight or get closure indifference is your closure.

The most freeing truth here is this: there is no “relationship” to end, because he never gave you one. What you can end is your participation in it. Ignore him, not as a game, but as a choice for peace. Every time you respond, you restart the loop. Every time you pull away and stay away, you regain a little more power.

Finally, the advice about “being the girl” isn’t about being passive it’s about balance. Let men pursue you, but more importantly, let interest and consistency be your filters. You don’t need to chase love; the right kind of man will make his intentions known through action and stability. Until then, this situation will just keep recycling itself, and you’ll keep feeling like you’re chasing something that doesn’t want to be caught.

Bottom line? You don’t need to confront him you need to free yourself from the idea that there’s something to fix. Because what’s broken here isn’t you it’s the illusion that he ever wanted the same thing you did.

[Serena Vale]

It sounds like you already see the truth, even if it hurts a little to say it out loud. What you’re describing is a casual relationship, one where there’s physical attraction and shared moments, but no real commitment or clarity. It’s fun until the feelings start to get uneven, and that’s when it begins to sting.

You care about him, but he doesn’t seem to be meeting you halfway. He reaches out when he’s drunk or lonely, but when you try to connect, he pulls back. That push-and-pull is what’s wearing you down, not the relationship itself, but the emotional guessing game around it.

You do have the right to confront him, but only if you’re ready to accept whatever answer comes, even if it’s not the one you want. If he can’t be honest about what he wants, then maybe your next move should be walking away for real this time.

You’re not “screwed up.” You’re just human, caught between what your heart feels and what your head knows. The strength comes when you start choosing yourself over confusion.

[Tara]

You’re not in a “casual relationship.” You’re his convenience. He doesn’t choose you, he stumbles into you when he’s drunk, lonely, or needs someone to drag his dead weight out of a bar. That’s not romance. That’s you volunteering to be his emotional janitor.

You keep calling him a jerk like it’s some kind of disclaimer. It’s not. It’s an admission that you know exactly what he is and you still sign up for it. That’s not confusion, that’s self-sabotage dressed up as longing.

He’s not sending mixed signals. He’s sending the same signal over and over: he wants access to your body and zero responsibility for your feelings. The “I love yous” were drunk noise. The compliments were bait. Nothing he’s giving you is serious. If he wanted clarity, you’d have it. If he wanted you, you wouldn’t be questioning this. Silence is his answer, and you’re pretending it means maybe.

You keep whining that he texts you to ask if you’re ignoring him, then ignores you. That’s not affection. That’s manipulation. He wants control, not connection. And you hand it to him every time you reply.

You already know he doesn’t want you. You already know he’ll hurt you. You already know you keep going back because it’s easier than holding a boundary. So don’t pretend you’re confused, you’re addicted to the chaos.

Do you have the right to confront him? Yes. But it won’t change a damn thing. He already told you who he is. You just don’t want to accept it because accepting it means you stop getting your attention from a man who barely remembers you sober.

He didn’t “drag you back in.” You walked right back in because it’s familiar. Because it’s easier than choosing someone who actually wants you. And now you’re talking about canceling plans with a man who might actually treat you well. That’s not being “screwed up.” That’s choosing the drama you know over the stability you don’t.
Your emotions are bouncing off the walls because you refuse to shut the door on someone who only opens it for you when he’s drunk.

[Natalie Noah]

What you’re experiencing isn’t really a relationship it’s a casual, convenience-based arrangement. You’re clear that you don’t love him, but you care about him, and he knows this. That dynamic is exactly why he has the upper hand: he can control the pace, the encounters, and the level of intimacy, while you’re left trying to interpret signals, chasing after attention, and hoping for more. The fact that he pursues you only when it’s convenient for him, and withdraws or ignores you otherwise, is a classic hallmark of a casual, non-committed setup. Your feelings of frustration and confusion are completely valid because your heart and your desire for clarity are running into the reality that he isn’t offering either.

Secondly, the notion of confronting him is tricky because, in truth, he hasn’t technically done anything “wrong” if you’ve been engaging willingly. The power shift here is important: by pursuing him, you’ve essentially flipped the script, and now he’s the one calling the shots. In this scenario, confrontation doesn’t achieve the clarity you’re seeking, it might only leave you feeling more frustrated. What you can control, however, is your own response. You don’t have to break it off formally, because there was no formal arrangement in the first place. Ignoring his advances and focusing on your own choices reclaims the agency you’ve temporarily ceded to him.

It’s also crucial to recognize the pattern here. By acting as the “aggressor” in pursuing him, you’re putting yourself in a recurring cycle where you give power to men who are only interested in casual connection rather than full partnership. April’s advice about “being the girl” again is about reclaiming your natural space in the dating dynamic allowing the man to show genuine interest in the whole you, not just the convenience of your availability. Shifting this perspective doesn’t mean you stop dating or having fun, but it ensures that the men you interact with value you fully, rather than using you for fleeting gratification.

Finally, your awareness about freedom and autonomy is a huge step forward. You’re starting to see that your mother’s opinions, your friends’ potential “setups,” or even the confusion about coincidence don’t dictate your choices you do. By focusing on your own behavior, desires, and boundaries, you create the foundation for healthy relationships where your feelings and needs are respected. You are free to explore new connections, flirt, date, and even enjoy casual moments if you choose but with clarity, confidence, and the knowledge that you’re the prize in the dynamic. That’s how you break the cycle and start attracting the right kind of attention and respect.

[Sally]

This isn’t a casual relationship. This is you caring and hoping, and him showing up only when he’s drunk, lonely, or stuck. Casual is honest. Casual is two people knowing exactly what it is. What you’re in right now is confusion with a side of chemistry and he gets all the benefits while you carry all the feelings.

Those “I love you’s”? If he meant them, they wouldn’t only show up in the dark after beers. And the way he ignores you, then wants attention, then disappears again… that’s not a man trying to build anything. That’s a man trying to keep something easy around.

You’re not screwed up. You’re just tired of being half-chosen.
And yes, you can confront him but don’t expect a different answer than the one he’s already showing you. Protect your heart. You deserve someone sober and steady, not someone who calls only when he’s cornered.

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