[Anonymous]

Hello all,

I have a serious life dilemma on my hands and I desperately need advice. Because some of you know me personally, I’ve registered a new account to get help with this in order to stay anonymous. I’m sure you’ll understand why — please, try to respect my anonymity, don’t hunt down my family or anything like that. This post will be long, so feel free to skip to the cliff’s notes at the end if you like.

My problem is that for the last two months, I’ve been cheating on my wife. I don’t say it with any pride, and I know it’s a terrible thing to do. I still love her, and she’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me — but the problem is, our marriage has been almost totally sexless for the last four years. We have been married for ten years, since we were both in our early 20s. We used to be having sex at least once a day, we were on totally the same wavelength, but since then she’s slowly been dialing it back — not in the mood, has a headache, too tired — until we’re at where we are today. I’m lucky if we have sex once a month, and even then I know she doesn’t even like doing it. There’s nothing worse than looking in your partner’s eyes and knowing that she’s just *putting up* with your sexual needs. It used to be an intimate connection, something we shared, a special bond. But now it’s a chore.

I got so sick of seeing that look in her eyes that I signed up for a website promising discreet affairs. The site is called Ashley Madison; you may have heard of it. It promised me a 100% money back if I didn’t have an affair. I was skeptical. Being with my wife so long has made me think that most women are just programmed not to want sex, that I was the bad guy, that there was no way I would ACTUALLY end up in an affair.

I’m eating my words now, because I’m caught up in one. Within a couple weeks of signing up, I was meeting up with an early 30’s woman at a downtown hotel 45 minutes away. She wasn’t the most attractive woman, and her personality was grating — but she thought I was amazing and sexy. The fact that I was married made it hot and exciting for her. And her being so interested in me, NEEDING me… it was so easy to go along with it. So I did.

I’ve been seeing her about once a week, sometimes twice, ever since then. It’s easy to get away, and I know my wife isn’t suspicious, but it’s tearing me up inside. I NEED sex, it’s probably my favorite experience in all of the earthly pleasures — but I love my wife, and she isn’t interested. On the other hand, the woman I’m having the affair with, while insatiable and hugely into me… I don’t really like her that much. She’s kind of annoying. I’m certainly not ending my marriage to be with her, that’s for sure.

So… what do I do? I don’t even know. If I could, I would keep it at the status quo forever. But I know that going on like this has risks, and losing my marriage is unacceptable to me (although I know not all men would feel that way in this position). Please help with whatever advice you can.

[b]Cliff’s notes:[/b] Have been married for 10 years, almost sexless for the last four. Signed up at a website promising a guaranteed affair or money back, thinking it was just a pipe dream that would never materialize. Now I’m stuck in a sexy affair with a woman I hate, and a sexless marriage with a woman I love. Need advice and help ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear about your problems with your marriage, but it’s quite obvious that you’ll need to figure out what the heck it is that you want.

Obviously, you want sex – and you need it for an intimate, physical connection. That’s something that is highly important to most men – and women 😉 .

However, it’s not unusual for women to lose sexual desire for many reasons over time. Personal life and work stresses, a disconnect in your marriage, maybe even just lack of confidence, or lack of satisfaction about sex that has gone unresolved.

I’m going to assume that you spoke to your wife about her lack of sexual interest, correct?

Putting up with sex will make anyone want to cheat. I am actually new to this site, so I don’t know you enough to gloat in you eating your words, but I understand exactly how your feelings and actions can change.

Figure out what would happen if your wife discovered your affair. Figure out what life is like without her as your wife. Perhaps you love her, but the lack of sex has left you both married “friends”. If that’s the case, it might make you miserable to let her go, but if your stepping outside of your marital connection and don’t see any other way to “deal” with your issues, how fair is that to her? Perhaps if she knew about it, she might not like it but may still accept it over being caught in the dark.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like what you want is a great sex life with your wife, but you’ve given up. You’ve got a mistress, but you’re unhappy with the situation, so my advice is that you roll up your sleeves and do the hard work of maintaining a long term marriage! 😀

Both men and women go through dips in their sex drives at different times in their lives, and boredom naturally seeps into any long term relationship. That’s why to make it work you have to tend to the relationship and rather than blame, accept responsibility for your part and BE the change you want in the relationship.

Obviously things aren’t going to magically turn around. You have to start changing your behavior first, and to do that, you have to choose your relationship over your problems. Focus on all that is good — as a start. It sounds like you love your wife for a bunch of reasons. Let her know. Rekindle the romance. Don’t expect mistress behavior (right away) from your wife of ten years. Consider apologizing to her for your part in your flagging sex life — she’ll be taken off guard by your not blaming her and this will be an opportunity for her to crack open the window of change in her own life.

Understand that you’re in a transition in your marriage — it’s become long term — and that that transition requires growth, understanding and intimacy — all of which will lead to good sex.

Let me know if that helps you — and how things go.

See you as well @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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