[Anonymous]

I am 28 yrs old and have been in a relationship with a 29 yr old man for 4 years and 4 months. We have been friends for almost 5 years, met at graduate school. 3 years and 4 months out of these have been long distance as he had to move away for work. The first 1 year was b/w Chicago and Boston but the last 2 years and 4 months have been b/w London and Boston. He visits often though. I love this man and he says he loves me too, but we fight a lot and have very different traits, I am more carefree, laid back and emotional, where as he is ambitious, responsible and a very practical guy. He is not sure about taking the relationship to the next level. He was confused about the it last year and felt a lot of pressure from me about it and decided to break up as he felt he couldn’t give me what I was asking for at the time. But we eventually got back together after 6 months, without commitment of marriage, but promises of working on our relationship and starting afresh. Recently I have been getting a lot of pressure about getting married from home so I asked him about his plans again and kind of gave him an ultimatum, either we break up or he makes up his mind about whether he wants to marry me or not. His excuse was that he finds it hard to commit to me because we fight a lot, which is true, but according to me it is because of the distance. He did not want to make a decision right then and said that it was an important decision to make and that he couldn’t make it overnight and needed sometime to think about it. He hinted that a month would be ideal. It’s been a week since then. He went back to London and we talk normally but I am going crazy wondering what he is going to decide. I love him and it’s hard for me to imagine a life without him. Will he say yes?

[Ask April Masini]

I don’t think he’s going to say yes, but I hope you’ll let me know.

The differences you describe between the two of you are not deal breakers. Lots of couples have these differences and make things work. In fact some of these differences can be assets to a relationship. What is of more concern is the chronic long distance that is so much a part of the majority of your relationship. It is very hard to make a relationship work with this kind of distance over this much time, with no end to it in sight. 😳

The other problem is the fighting that you indicate is a majority of your time together. It would seem the fighting is a reason to hesitate at the least and prevent at the most, a marriage. Things get MORE complicated in marriage with children, family pressures (which you’re already feeling) and work and health issues.

I think you want this to work, but you’re not being realistic. Being alone after four years of being with someone can be disappointing and scary, but I don’t think you’re holding out for Mr. Right from what you’ve described.

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