[Monkeymagic]

Hi i have been seeing this guy for a 1.5 years. We have know each other for 5 years. We kind of work together, I see him onsite that I go to every morning. He was married when We begun seeing each other. I know this is wrong, but it just happened. We always flirted and there was something there. We hocked up once and have been seeing each other ever since. He wasnt happy in his marriage at all and has a few kids. I told him after awhile i couldnt do this anymore as it was too hard and not fair on anyone. He didnt wnat to loose me and He wanted me to wait and help him through his break up. I did as i am so in love with him. He left her 4 months ago. we had plans to move in together and be together, So many happy things we were both excited to do together. But recently he he has backed off. He says he loves me and wants this to work. But recently he did break it off it, lasted a week and we decided to only see each other once a month and talk once a week. I told him I would do this as I didnt want to loose him after everything we have been through to get here. It is hard. He says he needs to find himself again and needs time. He came over last night. I feel we are so right for each other. I want to wait for him. He told me last night that it is different, now of course it is because he is now out and has his own little apartment for the first time ever. He told me that i was his escape, And he still wants to wait. And that he wants to work out for himself if this is what he really wants.We are close it so hard for me to be patient, and now that he doesnt wnat to talk every day and is a little more distant. We did have a wonderful time last night, we always laugh and joke together always enjoying each others company. I think he is scared but not sure. Now I dont know if he is just stringing me along he says hes not but i do feel confused. It is daunting not knowing. But he has just come out of a long relatiinship. i am confused. I asked him if it was silly if I wait, he said no. I am so confused!!! Is he still the one!! Does he just need time. I really dont know anymore, I feel he is in my heart but having to wait more is painful. Although I know he needs to be right also. Please help

[Ask April Masini]

Fill me in a little more! 😉

How old are you both?

Is he divorced?

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[Monkeymagic]

Okay i am 35 he is 30. He isnt divorced yet but in the process. And going through sorting out the kids visits. He gets them now every 2nd weekend and one day every 2nd week. He is confused at the moment too. With everything that he has going on. I also have a daughter myself who he has got to know and he has met my family. He said he needs to focus on them more which is fine. They should come first. But i dont belueve he needs to push me out. i have helped him through everything up until now. We talked constantly. Filled me in with what was happening now not so much. When we are together its amazing. But when we arent i feel so alone and distant from him. I get a little paranoid i dont twll him that. But only because of the way we were and all our plans we had. Now he cant make plans anymore. Every now and then he says something that is about us in the future. But i still dont know. his ex is a bitch and does make it hard for him. Do i just stand back and wait or is he pushing me away. when he did break it off with me i did tell him i felt that it was that i helped him get out amd now he doesnt need me. Which was the worst pain i jave ever felt. After a week as i said he came back and we made the arrangement. But it is still hard. he says he hates me being sad. But im still wondering is he just holding onto me so i dont be sad. or is there something more.

[Monkeymagic]

He used to mesage me and say good morning and say he looked forward to seeing me. Every now and again he does but not so much. I really loved getting those messages made me feel wanted. He said he just needs tome to think if thia is what he really wnats as i was his escape for ao long. And he wants to want this. Am i just being silly or is it going to end

[Ask April Masini]

No judgment — I understand that things happen. But…. you need to look at things from his point of view, and also from outside your own perspective in order to get a better picture of what’s going on, so you can make smart choices for yourself. 😉

So, you’re a 35 year old single mother who’s been dating a married man for a year and a half. Four months ago, he left his wife, and moved out, but is still married and probably working out a divorce agreement with her and their children together. A month ago, he broke up with you. Then he agreed to see you once a month and to talk once a week. He’s called you “his escape” from the marriage, and is no longer sure about having a relationship with you.

You really want this to work out…. and it isn’t. 😳 You’re trying to cling to anything that makes it seem like it’s working, but my advice is to understand that he has been in a marriage that has been failing for a long time. You [i]were[/i] his escape from that marriage, as he has told you. That’s pretty clear. But now that he’s moved out, is divorcing legally, and working out a custody and shared parenting plan, he doesn’t need or want you in his life the way he did when you served a purpose — which was to help him exit the marriage. His relationship with you wasn’t so much about you, for him, as it was about his freedom from the marriage. 😕

I know this sounds cold, but it’s important you understand your place in his life. When a guy says he’s not sure and he starts limiting and diminishing his contact with you, it’s ending, and he’s letting you down gently. I think that you need to realize this relationship isn’t going to pick up again. He’s going to move on, and it’s a good idea for you to do the same. 🙁

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[Monkeymagic]

Oh 🙁 thats sad. In away i know that yes. But he keeps holding onto. This is so hard i wish things were what they were going to be. I dont know how to get over it then. I see him every day at work which makes it hard. He always makes time for when i arrive. Maybe i need to distant myself then. And i guess if im wrong he will come back. He was the light of my life. It was so hard for me to open up to him took me along time since i been hurt so many times before. I believed his promises. And started to in away believe he did just need time. 🙁

[Monkeymagic]

What get me now. Is that if he wanted to end it he should have stayed there. He came back to me after a week. And it was my thought of the one week chat and one day a month visit until he gets his head right. Maybe i should have walked away then too. Maybe we are pro longing what will happen. So i guess guys dont need time. They just want to push u away so u leave them alone. 🙁

[Ask April Masini]

When a marriage fails, it’s a big deal, and when people divorce, they go through trauma, as does their entire family — including the soon to be ex-spouse, the kids, and the extended family. In other words, he’s going through something very painful and life-changing right now. And he’s being honest with you about his feelings, even though you may feel a push pull dynamic because he doesn’t want to be with you — but sometimes, doesn’t want to be alone, and during those times, you’re familiar and available to him and that’s comforting as his marriage is being dissolved.

It sounds like he was unhappy in his marriage and that unhappiness had nothing to do with you. In other words, he isn’t divorcing his wife because of you — he’s divorcing her because they had problems that had nothing to do with you. So now that the marriage is ending, he’s looking at his life as a single guy — not his life with you.

When you say you’ve been hurt before and have a hard time trusting men… my advice would be to only get involved with men who are actually available to be the man you want. It sounds like you want someone who’s going to be all yours and who wants to be monogamous and intimate on every level. Dating a guy who’s unavailable for those things isn’t the shortcut to happiness for [i]you[/i]. In fact, it’s the opposite. You’ll have much less heartache if you date single guys who are interested in dating a single mother and want the same things you do, and are ready for it at the same time you are.

Hope that helps!

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[Ask April Masini]

Good advice!

[Monkeymagic]

Honestly I am still so hurt. I have been trying so hard to move on and not let it get to me. I am finding it hard to understand that he doesn’t want anything to do with me at all anymore it has been 3 months since any contact, and I do feel rather used. He was my best friend and now he has shut me out of everything in his life now., I fear he will never talk to me again and that does kind of make me feel worthless! How do I shake these feelings,?? Did he ever really care I was I only being used, we were friends long before anything else. It hurts me to think what if he has moved on what if that was the reason he left me? I trying so hard to move past this!! I have good days and crap days

[Monkeymagic]

If he didn’t want to be with me why lead me on so so much?? Meeting my family and my daughter and promising them all things especially me!! As I promised him and showed him how much I cared It was amazing what we had, maybe that was all in my head. He told me it would be worth it and he was so very happy with me, something happened along the way that I missed

[Monkeymagic]

And I think and wonder does he ever still think of me? Would I cross his thoughts at all?? Do you think he will ever talk to me again?? Will he ever contact me??

[Ask April Masini]

I’m very, very sorry that you’re hurt.

[quote]Honestly I am still so hurt. I have been trying so hard to move on and not let it get to me. I am finding it hard to understand that he doesn’t want anything to do with me at all anymore it has been 3 months since any contact, and I do feel rather used. He was my best friend and now he has shut me out of everything in his life now., I fear he will never talk to me again and that does kind of make me feel worthless! How do I shake these feelings,?? Did he ever really care I was I only being used, we were friends long before anything else. It hurts me to think what if he has moved on what if that was the reason he left me? I trying so hard to move past this!! I have good days and crap days[/quote]

He’s not your best friend — this is not how best friends treat each other. He’s a married guy you dated who moved on. If you stop thinking of him as a best friend, you may be able to feel better about things. You didn’t lose a best friend, you lost a guy who cheated on his wife with you and then left you after making promises to you. I know it doesn’t feel this way now, but you’re going to be fine and you’re going to learn valuable lessons here.

I think he did care about you — but he cared about himself more. 😕 I know this is painful, but for future, I’m going to suggest you only date guys who are available to date you. Not someone who’s possibly using you to get relief from his marriage, to move on from it, or to rebound from it.

[quote]If he didn’t want to be with me why lead me on so so much?? Meeting my family and my daughter and promising them all things especially me!! As I promised him and showed him how much I cared It was amazing what we had, maybe that was all in my head. He told me it would be worth it and he was so very happy with me, something happened along the way that I missed[/quote]

He led you on because he wanted to be with you when he was with you — and when he didn’t want to be with you he left. It wasn’t a great idea for you to introduce him to your family since he was married to someone else, but that’s a really important lesson to learn for next time. Also, someone going through divorce, isn’t as emotionally stable as someone who’s already single. 😉

[quote]And I think and wonder does he ever still think of me? Would I cross his thoughts at all?? Do you think he will ever talk to me again?? Will he ever contact me??[/quote]

I’m sure he does think of you. I don’t know if he’ll talk to you again or contact you, but I think it’s truly in your best interests to move on. He was someone you dated and the relationship didn’t work out. I bet you have a lot of wonderful attributes and now you can be truly single and get back out there and find someone great and compatible. 😀

[Monkeymagic]

Thank you your advise does help. It is very sad and he did lead me on and hurt me really bad. I told him I didn’t want to be in this if it would end like this, but he kept convincing me and dragging me back in. I introduced him after his separation to my family, he wanted to do that also to prove to me he was sincere, I guess that all scared him the reality of the relationship becoming more serious and that is when he began to back off.

I do believe I have learnt a valuable lesson, but it still does not subside the pain I feel in my heart. But I will preserve and try my best to move on.

Your words are very helpful 🙂 Some things I have to accept I also don’t understand

[Ask April Masini]

There is no easy way through break ups. The best advice I can give you is to move forward, take care of yourself, and reflect on changes you want to make in your own life. Keep the focus on what’s next, whenever possible. 😉

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