[JJ_00]

Hey there,

There is this guy who maybe something was going to happen with at one point. We went out a couple of times and flirted, text etc..

It was all going the right way but it sort of fizzled out due to a lot of work deadlines (he is a workaholic) and us both taking long summer holidays then me being crazy busy when we were both back in the country.

Although I had noticed he is a moody guy (some say passionate/hot blooded, whatever way you look at it) he acts in a way I have not seen before in a man you are not actually in a relationship with.

Examples are: Becoming annoyed that I went inside to the bar rather than wait for him outside when we were meeting mutual friends. Butting into my conversations with other guys. Talking FOR me when people ask me questions, particularly new people I just met (male or female). This is all before and after we went out the couple of times. Becoming what looks like jealousy when I speak with other guys (not flirting just speaking)… Before we went out he would be more likely to stomp around making noise to show his annoyance, after we went out it was more like sulking and not speaking to me- I don’t know if that change is significant.

There are loads of examples that I am not telling you.

Now, there is not a lot romantically happening between us (except for all the business above!) and my friends think his behavior is controlling, but I wonder why he is he doing it. Does he wants to control me because he has a problem in general? Or is it something else, like he has feelings for me.

After reading lots of the posts in this forum, I wonder how it can be the latter as he could just ask me out as April keeps saying!

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

[katdawg]

even if he had feelings for you would you want to be with a man like that? one who finishes your sentences, throws temper tantrums when things aren’t going his way, etc? why he’s doing it? he has issues he needs to deal with and he’s unhealthy for you; your friends are right and they see something you are blind to seeing. that really is the bottom line.

[JJ_00]

I know what you mean and have been concerned by these things he does if we were to get together.
But he can be so nice and caring when he is not acting like the above idiot.

I wondered if he was annoyed that our thing didn’t work out or thought I had rejected him and is reacting in this way? Some of my friends say this because he can be so good to me, in a way he is not like with other people.

Either way how should I deal with it? I have to see this man regularly and do not want to be treated like this if he is just doing it because he is an ass! If he is doing it because he is upset/annoyed at us not working out then I wouldn’t mind trying to work something out. Even if its just to clear the air so we can both move on.

Thanks!

[katdawg]

Hmmmm if you have to see him regularly because you work with him then I would use caution in how you interact with him. Be as nice and professional as you can and have a conversation with him. Ask him if he was annoyed that things didn’t work out between the two of you and what his expectation of you was. The only way you’re going to really get answers is by going directly to the person, if you feel safe enough to do so. If you don’t feel safe going to him about it then you shouldn’t really be considering a relationship with this person. To me he sounds a bit Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Unless you really love drama, the unknown, and a really shaky foundation then I would consider not pursuing a romantic relationship with him and let him know, as well as your superior, that it should be kept professional and work related. I had that lesson many years ago not to get involved with someone I work with. When things don’t work out and ends on a bad note you still have to see and interact with that person on a daily basis until one of you finds another job elsewhere. If you were both mature about handling conflict then relationships in the workplace would be doable, but if one of you is immature it will not go well.

[Ask April Masini]

Your friend needs a lot of attention and hasn’t figured out a successful way to get it, so instead, he sulks, stomps, interrupts and blows up. He preempts your answering questions with his own responses and freaks out when you don’t meet him exactly where you said you would because he wants things to go his own way. Someone like this is going to collide with frustration eventually, because no one gets their own way all of the time, and I doubt he’s going to get all the attention he wants when he wants it. It sounds like his mini tantrums ARE the frustration he’s feeling from not getting enough attention, being expressed.

Your friend probably did and does have feelings for you — but I have a feeling his feelings are all over the map! 😕 He probably likes you, is frustrated with you, is angry at you, feels possessive of you — and that’s just for starters. I’m quite sure that his ineffective behavior and expression of these feelings is not just about you. My guess is that he has trouble expressing appropriate behavior with other people and in other circumstances, as well.

You can’t change his behavior, but you can change your own. Boundaries are a good place to start since he’s a work colleague. I think that’s what Katdawg was referring to when she said to be nice and professional with him. You don’t want to get into a heated argument over his behavior at work. Instead, practice ignoring his bad behavior, and/or removing yourself from any unpleasant situations he creates for you.

Practice not being reactive to him, as much as taking the lead and doing what you think is appropriate in social situations where the two of you wind up. Don’t be the victim around him, and you won’t feel like you’re being controlled.

I hope that helps. 🙂

[JJ_00]

Hi April,

I think what you have said about his feelings being all over the place in bang in the mark! Sometime I feel he hates me and others there is an obvious closeness.

Regarding the second half of your (and katdawg’s) response about acting professional etc– I have done exactly that. Throughout this whole thing I have NEVER reacted. I always ignore any comment or strange behavior in front of superiors or co-workers and continue to act with professionalism and have not demonstrated any hostility towards him for him behavior. If he friendly to me, I am friendly back and if he is ignoring me or makes smart comments I just ignore him and never question it. Exactly what you are suggesting I do.

However he has kept this up now for some months and quite frankly it is draining. Even last night when I replied to his email regarding work, I was straight to the point (but not rude) similar to the tone of his email to me and he replied saying I was being edgy!!

The truth is I do care for this man (even though from what I have said he sound controlling and spoilt!) but was not confident how sure he was of me and/or having a relationship in general.

I guess you will tell me the same thing and I should continue to be nonreactive. I just find it strange that he has continued this for so many months without getting any reaction and not giving up!

Thank you for your help. I find all the advice you give on the site so clear and to the point. It is great!

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for your kind words, and I’m always glad when I’m able to help! 😀

I have two pieces of advice for you regarding your friend:

First, in order to weather his moods and all over the map behavior, think about having a two year old little brother who hasn’t been entirely socialized, and reacts based on what he’s feeling even when it’s not appropriate! 😆 Little kids who aren’t fully socialized cry when they don’t get what they want, scream if their way isn’t exactly going right, grab what they want, eat anything that isn’t nailed down even if it’s on the floor. See if you can find the similarity and the humor in your friend’s two year old-like behavior.

Second, be forewarned. Your potential boyfriend has a significant behavior pattern that is going to make being in a relationship challenging for anyone who doesn’t have enormous resources for understanding, patience, and other pre-school teacher-like qualities. So tread carefully, my friend. If his behavior NOW is draining, as you write me it is, then imagine what you’ll feel like after dating him for several months.

[JJ_00]

Thanks April!!

Strangely enough thinking of him as a 2 year old actually helps!! 😆

What is also strange is that I feel (and people around me too) that we are in some sort of a ‘silent relationship’. For example, other guys at work generally tend to keep their distance from me acting as if I am attached and are particularly cautious when the man in question is present. If anyone is looking for him–they will ask me where he is. If something has happened– It is me people will ask to see if he is ok or how he is feeling. This is why I think I am finding it draining as it seems I am experiencing all the bad parts of being in a relationship (fights, jealousy etc) without the good bits! and without actually being in a relationship!!! I could definitely deal with it better if there were some good things coming out if it 🙂

You have been great and thank you for helping me clarify things in my own mind. It can be so difficult to organize the most basic of thoughts when you are caught up in the middle of it!! 😛

[Ask April Masini]

I’m glad I was able to help! 😀

[Ethan Morales]

This guy isn’t just “passionate” or “moody.” He’s showing early signs of possessive and insecure behavior, and that’s a red flag no matter how you dress it up. The sulking, interrupting, trying to speak for you those aren’t gestures of interest, they’re small attempts at control disguised as emotion. It’s not about love; it’s about needing to dominate the environment so he feels secure.

April’s right his behavior is about attention and frustration, not connection. The stomping, sulking, and jealousy are his way of saying, “Pay attention to me, but don’t make me vulnerable by actually asking for what I want.” That’s not emotional maturity that’s emotional manipulation.

I think he probably does like you but his version of liking someone isn’t healthy. It’s territorial. He wants your attention without earning your trust. He gets annoyed when you act independently because it makes him feel like he’s losing control of the narrative.

If I were you, I’d keep your distance emotionally. Don’t react to his moods. When people like this see they can’t control you through pouting or irritation, they either adjust or drift off. Both outcomes are good for you.

This guy isn’t ready for a balanced relationship. His energy feels more like ownership than partnership. And you deserve someone who adds peace to your life not someone who forces you to manage their moods.

[Serena Vale]

Hey, I hear you. Reading what you’ve written, it sounds exhausting just to think about dealing with his behavior. From what you’re describing, there’s a pattern here that’s not just “moody” or “passionate”, he’s acting possessive and controlling in ways that aren’t normal for someone you’re not in a relationship with.

The way he interrupts your conversations, talks over you, sulks when you speak with other people… that’s less about him having feelings for you and more about him trying to assert control. Someone who genuinely likes you doesn’t need to control your interactions or make you feel restricted, especially when nothing is established between you romantically.

It’s natural to wonder if it’s “just feelings” or something deeper, but the truth is, feelings don’t justify controlling behavior. Real attraction doesn’t need manipulation or jealousy to show itself, it can show itself with honesty, respect, and clear communication. If he had genuine interest, he could ask you out or express how he feels directly instead of acting out in these ways.

Your friends are right to flag this as controlling. You’re allowed to set boundaries, and you’re allowed to notice patterns that make you uncomfortable. How he chooses to behave is on him, but how you respond to it is on you.

At the end of the day, trust your instincts. If his behavior makes you feel uneasy, that’s enough reason to step back and protect yourself. You don’t owe him a chance just because he might “have feelings.”

[Natalie Noah]

This man’s behavior isn’t about romance… it’s about emotional immaturity. The moodiness, the interruptions, the jealousy over things that aren’t even flirtatious those are signs of someone who doesn’t yet have control over his own feelings. It’s not that he doesn’t like you. Actually, it’s very clear he does. But his way of expressing it is chaotic, inconsistent, and draining. When someone’s emotions swing that wildly, it creates an unstable environment for you, even if you’ve been calm and professional through it all.

I know you care about him, I hear that tenderness in your words. And it’s okay to admit that some of his behavior feels sweet or protective at times. But caring about someone doesn’t erase the reality that he’s acting like a man who wants the benefits of being close to you without giving you the security of a real relationship. You’re carrying the weight… all the tension, all the confusion, all the emotional labor and getting none of the clarity. That’s why this feels exhausting. It feels like a relationship, except you don’t get any of the love or reassurance that would normally balance the hard parts.

The way other people treat the two of you like you’re already “together” shows how blurred the lines have become. And that blur is dangerous, because it traps you in an emotional limbo. You’re not wrong for feeling confused. You’re not wrong for wanting answers. But you also need to protect yourself. A man who can make you feel like he loves you one moment… and then punishes you emotionally the next… is someone you have to approach with caution. Patterns like his don’t magically disappear once things become official. In fact, they often intensify.

You’re doing the right thing by staying nonreactive and professional. But behind that calm exterior is a woman carrying more emotional weight than she should. And you deserve better real clarity, real effort, real consistency. If he truly wants something serious with you, he needs to act like a grown man and communicate that. Not sulk. Not interrupt. Not brood. Until he shows you emotional stability, you’re wise to keep boundaries strong and your heart guarded.

[Tara]

He’s a walking red flag with a temper problem dressed up as intensity. You’re trying to romanticize behavior that’s not romantic, it’s possessive, insecure, and borderline controlling, and he’s not even your boyfriend. That’s the part you’re refusing to see. If this is how he acts before he has any claim on you, imagine the dictatorship he’d run if you actually dated him.

He’s annoyed when you walk into a bar instead of waiting outside like a lost puppy. He inserts himself into your conversations because he can’t stand not being the center of your attention. He talks for you because he doesn’t see you as an equal, he sees you as something to manage. And the jealous sulking? That’s not affection. That’s immaturity with a superiority complex.

You’re asking whether he acts like this because he “has feelings.” No he acts like this because he has control issues and you’re giving him space to exercise them. If he actually wanted to date you, he’d ask you out like an adult. Instead, he’s orbiting you, policing you, and soaking up emotional territory he hasn’t earned.

Your friends are right. You’re just afraid to admit they’re right because that would mean you’re entertaining someone who behaves like a boyfriend without giving you any of the commitment or respect of one.

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