[mod64]

Hey there, sorry this maybe a long letter. Ive been seeing my partner for two years now and we are engaged. We live about 80 miles part so only see each other at the weekends, we are planning to move in together next year and we are both looking forward to this.
Our only problem is his family. I come from a caring understanding and loyal family yet he comes from a broken family. I have never met people who play so many games with the their own family members, it feels like constant emotional black mail.

last year my partner decided to help his mother out with the morgage because she couldnt afford to take the morgage on herself when the husband left. She was unable to morgage because of her age. This was fine as it gave us time to save up a deposit for own house.
As time has gone on his mother and Sister i feel have become jealous of our relationship because we go to the cinema or go out for dinner or generally go out buying things for our own place when we move in. My partner has been told he is nasty and spiteful and they dont understand why they are not invited to go out with us, we are both 30 year olds and his sister is 26 and we are told she gets upset that she cant go out shopping with us.

At the begining of our relationship it felt like we where attached to his mother,sister and fathers apron strings but i felt that it was fine because it was getting to know the family, but it felt after 5 months it was like it all the time, when we are at mine my family give us space and time on our own because they see we are not teenagers and need our own space. We have been to many resturants ,concerts, partys with his family but now they throw it back in our faces that we dont spend time with them but its just because we want to spend the time we do have together on our own. And in all honesty we dont have the money as we are trying to save.
Its seems every day a new drama unfolds and i just dont know what to do as his mother and sister are making me feel very uncomfortable.
They constantly make my partner out to be liar asking him where he is going what he is doing and why are we looking for a home of our own because we are wasting the estate agents time.
Im shocked a mother could behave the way she does. She knew he would be coming off the morgage next year but with out his knowledge changed the date for 2 years later when one of them lost their jobs, and she didnt inform him of this we found out when we went to see morgage advisior, this was changed 5 months ago. She also claims that the house is hers and not partly his even though his name with his sisters is on the paper work, she claims he has done nothing for her, forgetting that he went on a morgage for her so she could remain in a house she couldnt afford. His sister is now accussing him of being bullish towards her, this is done behind his back to the father that she doesnt want to know unless it is her birthday or Christmas.
I also have never met woman of her age that is so childish, she expects people to spend lots of money on her at Christmas and her birthday I just dont know how to deal with someone like that as my family and friends are not materialsitic.she also belittles things he does for example she said he wasnt any good at drying dishes because he got the t towel to wet. Im so sorry this letter has gone on but i love my partner to bits and I just hate seeing him treated like this and I understand it is his mother and sister but that doesnt give them the right to treat him like this. I know he should also be the one dealing with this but he so kind hearted he just gets walked over and guilt tripped, he is changing slighty since seeing my family and friends and how they all behave but his mother and sister seems to be getting worse. many thanks for any help you can give.

[Ask April Masini]

Here’s one word I’m going to say that will be the key to your future with your partner: [i][b]boundaries[/b][/i].

It sounds like you are just too involved in what everyone thinks, says and does. If you can find a way to not be so involved emotionally, with your future in-laws, you’re going to have a much easier time of life! If you can’t establish boundaries on your own, here are a few tips that will help:

Limit the number of visits to your partner’s family and from them.

Limit the phone calls. Just because they call doesn’t mean you have to pick up the phone.

Limit your responses to communication from your partner’s family. If they e-mail or text you, wait three days before responding. Or better yet, wait a week!

When you feel like you have some control over the amount of time they’re in your life, you may not feel so upset about them, and you certainly won’t feel so controlled by them.

Now comes the tougher part. It seems like it’s hard for you to hear about how your partner’s family members treat him. If they’re not saying any of this stuff to you directly, then you have to accept that this is the dynamic he and his family have. You can point out to him what you see and are concerned about, but once you’ve done it, don’t harp on it. He may be comfortable with the way things are in his family. Or, he may not respond to you expecting him to change a lifetime’s worth of family dynamics in one week! So be gentle and clear in what you tell him you see and dislike, but don’t tell him every day or even every week.

Once your partner sees you making these changes, he may respond by coming to you more often with his complaints or rants about his family. This is where you have to be strong and establish some boundaries with your own partner. You can tell him that you love him, but you’ve already given him your advice on his family and told him how you feel about them. You really don’t want to hear daily installments of a soap opera that is hurtful and damaging. If he doesn’t want to make any changes, then you don’t want to hear about it. Make sure you’re firm, but kind when you say this. The idea is to establish a boundary with your partner that allows you to have the freedom to enjoy your relationship with him [i]without[/i] hearing about or being a part of the dysfunction.

In-laws and extended family members can be a support or a serious challenge to new relationships, and you need to take responsibility for [i]your[/i] part of the behavioral changes necessary to give you and your partner some peace to be a couple.

[mod64]

Thank you ever so much for taking to time to respond to my question. I have started to limit the visits to his mother and sister and will continue to do so but this has already caused problems as they have told my partner that they are upset by the few times i visit and I feel this is ridiculous as im an adult and i have lots of other things that deserve my attention when im not at work.We have also been told that we are to buy them better Christmas presents by his father who also no longer lives with them, his sister complained that her gift wasnt good enough, as we have told them we are trying to save for our future but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. I just dont understand materialistic people im very upset by this. Anyway I will take heed of your advice and once again thank you ever so much it feels like a some of the weight had been taken off my shoulders,

Sending peace and love from Great Britain.

[Ask April Masini]

Good job on starting to set up boundaries!

Now here’s your next chore: Understand that your partner’s family is not going to go down quietly! 😆 They are going to react to the changes you set up, and it’s not going to be pretty. So expect that.

Now, your task is to start ignoring their negative comments. You do not have to react to everything they say. In fact, I’d ask that you only react to every sixth thing they say! Count them. That’s one. That’s two. Etc. Just because someone says to jump off a bridge doesn’t mean you jump. In fact, you don’t. So just because they don’t like your boundaries on visits, doesn’t mean you have to comment on their criticism. This is harder said than done, but it’s a really great tool when it comes to dealing with conflict.

Next, you can hear their Christmas gift instruction — and throw it out the window! Don’t tell them you’re tossing their commands. Just, [i]quietly[/i], ignore them. 😎 Buy what you want for whomever you want. You’re not a prisoner or a victim, so don’t act like one.

Eventually, if you stop jumping every time they bark, they’ll get used to your behavior, instead of the other way around, and they’ll eventually quit it.

Good luck across the pond!

[Author]

Posts