[LunaLi]

I don’t want to overthink, but I do think that there are a lot of misinterpretations of love. What I’m currently nervous about is that my boyfriend of over a year loves me as I pertain to myself as a person, but me as I pertain to our relationship. I’m scared that he does love me in a way but it’s not the way that will sustain our relationship. Is there such a profound difference between the 2 or am I just overthinking?
Also, on the matter of values, since I do belive that since we have grown up in different environments (I grew up in a more lower middle to lower class environment with strong diversity and he grew up in an upper class, majority white town) that we developed different values for a relationship. I am Mexican, so I have a deep culture that has had a profound impact on how I see things and he did not grow up with that type culture, so it is difficult for him to understand where I come from a lot. Are these things that can be compromised and how do we go about getting a deeper and profound understanding of each other so that we can decide whether or not we can happily move forward? (please don’t just say talk and listen. I need specific ideas, such as any communication activities. We talk and do try hard to listen but we just find it hard to grasp where each other is coming from.)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[LunaLi]

He’s 23 and I’m 21.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. Thank you!

I don’t think you’re overthinking, but I think you’re intellectualizing fear. You’re afraid that the relationship won’t last. Couples bridge all sorts of differences, but it requires compromise and creativity. If you’re both willing to agree to disagree — and still be together by trading off holidays or things that are important to each of you, you can make it work. What you can’t have is both of you wanting everything your way. It’s always easier to be with someone who doesn’t have differences in lifestyle and value from you, but that’s academic. In real life, love finds a home between couples who are different types of people all the time. Decide where your differences lie, and what compromises you’re willing to make. Don’t try to talk each other into coming over to the others’ sides. 😉

[LunaLi]

Do you know any specific activities? Anything that would help us get to that point of understanding?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You don’t need activities to understand differences…. it’s just a matter of being open minded and brainstorming on how to accommodate both your needs.

[Sally]

There is a difference between loving who someone is and loving how a relationship actually works. Loving you as a person means he cares, admires you, and feels close to you. Loving the relationship means he also wants to carry the responsibility, effort, and growth that comes with being your partner. Both matter. One without the other can feel shaky over time.

Your values question is real too. Different cultures and class backgrounds shape how we see family, conflict, money, and commitment. Those gaps can be bridged, but only if both people are curious, not defensive.

Here are a few concrete things that help. Try a “life swap” talk once a week: one of you explains a real memory from childhood and how it shaped your beliefs, while the other only asks clarifying questions no fixing, no debating. Another is a values check-in: separately write what love looks like in action (time, money, loyalty, family), then compare notes. Not to agree just to understand.

If understanding grows, you’ll feel it. If it doesn’t, that tells you something too.

[Nick Roy]

I think love is where you feel safe and happy with your partner, not where you are always in a state of anxiety, afraid that he will leave you.
Wao, April, I really liked what you said that the definition of love is not in the word but in the behavior. If someone says he loves you, but his actions don’t match, then it’s not love. It’s just an attachment.

[Member]

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