[lbjtexas]

My bf and I have had a rocky relationship for the last 6 months. We have dated for over 3 years and broke up numerous times. Last November we got back together after being apart for 2 mos. To make a long story short he accidentally saw a video I had of me with another guy that I totally forgo about and he was hurt, shocked, upset, you name it. And so was I. If I could have turned back time I would. I would never intentionally hurt someone that I love like that. Anyway, I ended up moving an hour away to give us a break and I got a great job in the city. I had the intentions of him eventually coming too. He always said he was going to pay me back for hurting him and last night I made plans to come to his house and stay the night and spend my day off with him. So I packed my bag, went to bed, and he started texting me about wanting me to be with these 2 girls and him. See, that’s a lot of our problem. He wants a threesome and I have never done that before. Although I am not totally against it if there are rules. I am jealous when it comes to him. Anyway he keeps texting me about these other girls and I call him upset that girls are calling him in the first place – why is he giving them his number? One thing leads to another and this went on from 2:30am until 5:30am – and I have to work from 12-9 the next day – he asked me if I would drive an hour away because they were turning him on and wanting him bad. I couldn’t believe my ears. Was this really happening? How dare him ask this of me, especially when I’ve got to go to work! He finally sent me a text that blew my world apart saying he was going. And texts and phone calls kept on and on and I was so upset I couldn’t breathe. I cried, sobbed, for about 3 hours straight or more. He then has the nerve to send me a video and says “I got you back 10 fold” and it doesn’t stop there. He keeps on off and on the whole afternoon saying how hot that girl was and his video was hotter than mine. There is a lot more than just this and I am still in shock. He should be telling me how sorry he is and comforting me as I did him when he accidentally saw my video. The difference is, we had been split up for 2-3 mos and he calls it cheating on him to this day. He is 13 years younger than me. He has been a handful to say the least. I’m 53 and he is 41. Should I never talk to him again? I still have a lot of my belongings stored in his garage that I have been needing to get. I don’t think I am ready to look at him right now and he says I deserve to be hurt like I hurt him. It was 6 mos ago! Please advise how to handle this.

[Ask April Masini]

You need to move on. This man is not mature and he is not respectful or interested in your welfare. 🙁

The video that he stumbled upon, that you made with a guy when you were broken up with him, was unfortunate, but it wasn’t a way to intentionally hurt him. In life, these things happen. But his reaction showed his character, which was vindictive, immature and punitive. My advice is that he is not ready for a healthy, happy relationship. The fact that you have broken up numerous times in three years is proof that this isn’t going to last as a continuous, monogamous, healthy, happy relationship.

You’re 53. His age, of 41, has nothing to do with his behavior. Find someone who is more compatible with you in character. 😉 You’ll be happier.

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[lbjtexas]

Thank you for your advice. I love him so much. I have a very strong connection with him that I’ve never had with anyone else. We will go a couple of weeks without talking and can’t stay away for longer than 2 weeks at a time. I know it is an unhealthy relationship, my family doesn’t want me to have anything to do with him. And he is mostly why I moved away from my hometown. Why then can’t I close that door? Is it because I still have a lot of my belongings there stored? I need to just get everything from his house and see if I still feel the same or if that does help me with closure. I met him in a very low and depressed time of my life. I was living with my mother taking care of her. She died a year ago June 13th. I moved in with him and his mom (yes, he lives with his mother) for about a year. We have been through a lot together, his grandfather died last January, the same week his mom found out she has stage 4 leukemia, then my mom died in June. We have had so many memorable times together – good times. We get along great. He was my best friend for 3 years and I miss that so much. I miss him. And his mom. And now I am here in the big city by myself with a whole new career selling cars of all things. Everything has changed and I feel so alone. So lost. And then he does this to me. I’m still crying 2 days later. The tears just flow and I am so deeply hurt that he could actually do that to me. Does he even feel bad about it yet? I hate to think that he is that cold hearted. And that confuses me even more. Please advise on why I can’t let go of him even though I know it’s not a healthy relationship. What is wrong with me? I should know better at my age. We have both been married 3 times each. My 32 year old son has been telling me my “picker” is broken for years and to stay away from men. I want to grow old with someone. I want a companion. I want to be happy.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m going to be a little tough with you because you’re 53, with 3 failed marriages behind you — and your family agrees with me. 😉 Sometimes it takes hearing the tough love response to understand the true answers to your questions, so buckle up! 🙂

[quote]Thank you for your advice. I love him so much. I have a very strong connection with him that I’ve never had with anyone else. We will go a couple of weeks without talking and can’t stay away for longer than 2 weeks at a time. I know it is an unhealthy relationship, my family doesn’t want me to have anything to do with him. And he is mostly why I moved away from my hometown. Why then can’t I close that door? .[/quote]

Because you’re being lazy. 😕

When someone stays in a relationship that they know is unhealthy, it’s usually because they don’t want to do the work to be healthy. People don’t just get healthy. They work at it. You can’t close the door because you’re too lazy to be single, get your life together and date men in an effort to find someone who loves and respects you. 😉

[quote]Is it because I still have a lot of my belongings there stored? [/quote]

No. You’re not keeping the door open because you have belongings stored at his house — you’re keeping the belongings there so you don’t have to close the door. You’ve got that one backwards. If you call a moving truck to pick up your belongings, which would be pretty easy to do, that means you have less connection to him — and you don’t want to lose what you think is a connection to him. If you did, you’d move your things out. Believe me — he doesn’t care if your things are there or not. That’s not going to change his behavior or treatment of you. This is in your head. You think keeping your stuff there means you’re connected to him. It doesn’t. It just means you’ve been too lazy to call a moving truck. 😉

[quote]I need to just get everything from his house and see if I still feel the same or if that does help me with closure. I met him in a very low and depressed time of my life. I was living with my mother taking care of her. She died a year ago June 13th. I moved in with him and his mom (yes, he lives with his mother) for about a year. We have been through a lot together, his grandfather died last January, the same week his mom found out she has stage 4 leukemia, then my mom died in June. We have had so many memorable times together – good times. We get along great. He was my best friend for 3 years and I miss that so much. [/quote]

He’s not your friend. This is not how a friend behaves. And I’m sorry about the losses you’ve suffered, but you’re using them as excuses not to do the relationship work required.

[quote]I miss him. And his mom. And now I am here in the big city by myself with a whole new career selling cars of all things. Everything has changed and I feel so alone. So lost. And then he does this to me. I’m still crying 2 days later. The tears just flow and I am so deeply hurt that he could actually do that to me. Does he even feel bad about it yet? I hate to think that he is that cold hearted. And that confuses me even more. Please advise on why I can’t let go of him even though I know it’s not a healthy relationship. [/quote]

You refuse to let go of this unhealthy relationship because you don’t want to do the hard work to be single and find true love. 😉 It’s just being lazy. I’m sorry if that sounds mean — but this is all about you.

[quote]What is wrong with me? [/quote]

You don’t want to do relationship work. So you stay in a bad situation because on some level, you think that’s better than having to be 53 and single.

[quote]I should know better at my age. [/quote]

This has nothing to do with age. But…. for some women, the idea of being single at 53 seems more difficult than if they were 23.

[quote]We have both been married 3 times each. My 32 year old son has been telling me my “picker” is broken for years and to stay away from men. I want to grow old with someone. I want a companion. I want to be happy[/quote]

If you really want to be happy then you have to act like it — not just say it. Walking the walk is more work than talking to talk. It’s easy to say you want to be happy, but to actually be happy at 53 with 3 failed marriages behind you, you have to roll up your sleeves and do the work required to get there. You CAN do this — but only if you’re willing to work at it. 🙂

I hope that simplifies things for you and answers your questions.

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[lbjtexas]

Thank you again for your stern advice. I needed to hear that. And you are right. I think I’m lazy because each relationship I have I get so swept up in it that I am blind to see all
of the red flags and another reason I know is messing me up…..I want a relationship too bad. I know it sounds like I haven’t had time to actually be single but I have. All 3 marriages
were short. The longest relationship I’ve ever had was for 8 years. And we never married. First marriage was 4 years. I divorced because he is an alcoholic (we are best friends to this day and share
4 beautiful grandchildren) the second was for 11 mos. He was mean to my son and got into porn way too much/often. The last was for 6 years. He was very abusive & I had to get a restraining order
against him and haven’t seen/heard from him since 2008. My mother was married 4 times and had abusive marriages. I hate the cliche’ of “following in your mothers steps” but that is what I am
doing! Now that I have a new career in sales I can keep myself busy and work all of the time and make lots of money. I am not going to worry about being single anymore. I am going to embrace it. I
love my new apartment and my new job. I just need to stop letting my mind wonder about him and what he is doing. Move on like you said. Any suggestions on how to do that successfully? What do I
do when he calls me or text me? Just don’t answer? And you are so right about my fear of having no connection with him. It’s hard to let go. But I know that I must. Thank you again. You have helped
me so much.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m glad that my advice resonated for you. 🙂

One way to move on is to buy and read [b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b], the book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right. You can buy it here: [url]https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/think-date-like-a-man-april-masini/1104522250?ean=9780595374663&itm=1&usri=9780595374663[/url]. It may seem simple, but it’s not — especially for someone like you who is prone to fall for the wrong guys. 😉

The next way is to get your stuff moved out of his place. Don’t go yourself — have someone pick it up for you. That will cut that tie and make it easier for you not to have that excuse to be in touch.

Third is to cut him off. Just don’t pick up or respond — and if you need to, block his calls and e-mails. If you need to give him an explanation, let him know in an e-mail that you’ve decided to move on, and that you’d appreciate his not contacting you again.

As for your mind wandering, if you keep busy, it’s less likely to do so. In fact, every time you find yourself thinking about him, go out and do something positive — whether it’s something for you, like a massage or a manicure or an exercise class — or for someone else, like cancer patients in a volunteer wing of a hospital or veterans in a Veteran’s Administration facility. In other words, fill your life up with good things.

Fourth, you should make a list of deal breakers and deal makers. In other words, write down what you want in a man and what you absolutely won’t tolerate. For instance, if you want a man who works in medicine or law enforcement, you can be that specific. Or if you want a man who doesn’t have kids — or does have kids, that’s fine, too. Your deal breakers should include any abuse or disrespect of former spouses or girlfriends, the law. Anyone who is immature or has a substance abuse issue. You get the picture, I’m sure….

Start to recreate your life the way you want it — not the way you default into it. 😀

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[lbjtexas]

Thank you so much…..and I will buy your book

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very welcome, and I wish you happiness! 😀

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[lbjtexas]

Hello again April! I need your advice once again relating to me getting my belongings from his house. I sent his mom an email last Sunday asking her to arrange to have all of my things that are inside the house be taken outside by the garage on the day that I come for everything. I don’t want to go inside again – too many memories. And I also told her I was not emotionally strong enough to deal with him and asked that he not be present when I come if at all possible. I told her that I love her and thanked her for her support and advice she had given me many times and that I thought the sooner I can get everything out of their way the better it would be for all of us. She has not responded yet and I don’t know if I should give her a couple of more days or just call her. I hate getting her involved in any way but I also don’t want to speak to him at all. What should I do?

[Ask April Masini]

Here’s the advice I gave you several weeks ago on getting your things: [quote]The next way is to get your stuff moved out of his place. Don’t go yourself — have someone pick it up for you. That will cut that tie and make it easier for you not to have that excuse to be in touch. [/quote]

By writing his mother, and then including so much emotional detail about your relationship with him and about your own state of mind, you’re creating drama, continuing engagement in an unhealthy way, and stirring the pot. 😕

Try using the advice I gave you.

Hope that helps. 😉

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[lbjtexas]

That is the way it made me feel after I sent it but it was not my intention to cause drama. My big dilemma is that I don’t have anyone that will go load everything up and bring it to me. I cannot afford to hire movers or I wouldn’t be writing for your advice. I’m in a pickle and cannot seem to come up with a solution on my own and I just want to get my things and close that door. Maybe I am dramatic because I have put myself in dramatic situations and now I am trying to get away from that lifestyle and I don’t know how to do it because I am too desperate and still hurt. I feel like everything is coming unraveled in my life since I took this “leap of faith” and moved away & started a whole new career that I don’t feel real secure in yet. I’m scared to death at times and wonder if I am going to be successful or homeless in the next month. And I don’t have the confidence I had 20 years ago when I lived here. I don’t mean to sound like a whiney baby or want a pity party but that is exactly what I sound like! What I really want to do is scream at the top of my lungs – not whine. I cannot believe these words are coming from me but they are. This is not who I use to be at all. I don’t have a clue what to do. Just leave it there for now and maybe one day in the near future I will be able to afford to hire movers and look back at this and go “oh geeze – I was pathetic”.

[Ask April Masini]

What, exactly do you have to pick up from his house?

[lbjtexas]

It took a truck and flatbed trailer to move it all there. The good news is that it is still packed in boxes but it is upstairs in the detached garage and inside I have a some misc furniture pieces and mirrors that were my moms. I stopped taking anything back with me when I went for visits because it always irritated him when I took more back with me than just my overnight bag. I always had to walk on eggshells, his mother too. I’m tired of the games and confusion and uncertainty. My head is still spinning and probably will for a long time. Thanks for being patient and understanding. There is so much more to this story and I wish I could say it all in 100 words or less but that is impossible. His mother is a minister too. I don’t know if I mentioned that or not.

[Ask April Masini]

If you don’t have any family and friends who can pick up the “miscellaneous furniture pieces and mirrors”, and you can’t afford to hire someone to do so, then you should just call a charity and have them pick up the items as a donation.

Don’t make this complicated. It’s just stuff. 😉

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[Ethan Morales]

This relationship is deeply unhealthy not because you’re weak, but because the dynamic is toxic. What he did wasn’t about passion, “getting even,” or love. It was cruelty. Purposeful, calculated cruelty. When someone sends you a video of themselves with other people just to hurt you, that’s not a partner that’s someone who sees your emotions as tools. That cycle of breakup → pain → reunion → chaos becomes addictive, but it’s not love. It’s trauma bonding. And trauma bonding makes otherwise strong people feel stuck.

You’re not lazy you’re emotionally overwhelmed and grieving multiple losses at once. April called it “lazy,” but let’s be real: you’ve been grieving your mom, uprooting your life, starting a new job, trying to rebuild your identity… that’s not laziness. That’s survival mode. People cling to relationships most tightly when life feels unstable because the familiar pain feels safer than the unknown. Your brain isn’t choosing him because he’s good for you; it’s choosing him because it’s terrified of more loss.

His age isn’t the issue, his emotional maturity is. A 41-year-old man pressuring you for threesomes, texting at 2:30 a.m., giving his number to random women, then trying to humiliate you to “even the score”… that’s not a man, that’s a boy with revenge issues. Age doesn’t fix character. And him living with his mom is not the problem it’s the fact that he’s emotionally stunted and uses manipulation to feel powerful.

What you’re missing isn’t him. You’re missing comfort, familiarity, and the version of yourself that existed before life got heavy.
You said it yourself:
You were isolated when you met him
You were grieving multiple losses
He felt like a lifeline
That creates attachment, not compatibility. You’re craving connection and stability but he’s not capable of giving either. So your brain mixes the idea of “safety” with the person who happened to be there during chaos.

The belongings situation is the last emotional tether that’s why it feels so big. It’s not about boxes or furniture. It’s about what those items represent: A connection… a reason to stay in contact… a fear of cutting the final thread.
But here’s the truth: if something requires this much suffering to retrieve, it is not worth your peace. Whether you hire movers later, donate some things, or ask someone to help the priority is cutting the emotional cord, not the logistical one.

Nothing is “wrong” with you. You’re not broken, you’re human and you’re healing. You want companionship, stability, a future that’s normal. Your “picker” isn’t broken; your heart is tired. But you’re already doing the hard part: seeing the truth. Moving on isn’t a one-time decision. It’s a series of tiny choices that slowly shift your life toward peace. You don’t need to be ashamed, and you don’t need to beat yourself up. You need kindness, boundaries, and distance from someone who thrives on your pain.

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