[KittyCat]

My Fiance and I have been together 2 years. He is 28 years older than me but to be cheesy we connect and love and take care of each other in such a fulfilling way that totally exceeds the sexual. But we are very sexual and we do participate in swinging with other couples or singles. Since he is so much older than me he has told me repeatedly that I can do what ever I want, whether that means meeting a younger man and going out or even sleeping with him If I want. I fought him on this and said that it felt too much like cheating to sleep with another man or woman when he was not participating but he talked me into considering trying the new experience. Don’t Misunderstand me here, we love each other very very much, we are just not jealous and love and trust each other enough that we are able to participate in more daring activities. Several days ago I met a man who was interested in a threesome with my fiance and I. I was very attracted to him and my fiance liked him also so he agreed that we would have him over sometime and let whatever happened happen. But a day after that this guy showed up while my fiance was at work so I allowed him to come in and visit. I texted my fiance and he told me that in a couple hours we could all “have fun” and I could hang out with him until he got home. However this guy and I felt it was ok to fool around and do foreplay until my fiance got home where we could then all participate together. We soon became too carried away though and before I even consciously decided we had had sex and he was leaving. I admit I got too carried away in the excitement and should have stopped but how was I to know that this guy who was supposed to stay several hours and have intercourse with us would suddenly decide to leave as soon as he got his rocks off. My fiance blamed me for this and said that since we didn’t have a threesome and that since he left before my fiance got home this was like cheating and now we are considering seperating. He is very angry and very hurt and I’m not sure how to fix this. I do not want to lose our relationship over this, and i don’t understand how this is all my fault and so bad since he did technically tell me several times that I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. But to be fair initially I lied and said that we didnt even have sex but he had finished during foreplay and then like a jerk, the guy wanted to leave. I know I was wrong to lie but is this really as big a deal as he is making it out to be? and did I cheat? Please tell me how I can fix this. He is the love of my life and we are completely in Love, even though right now we are angry. Please Help!!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you? How long have you been dating? How long have you been engaged?

[KittyCat]

Hey is 49 and I am 21 years old. We were friends first, then we started dating then he proposed. Not counting the time we were friends we have been dating 2 years. And he proposed to me in January of this year. We also have been living together since spring of last year.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Threesomes never end well. 😳 In fact, they usually end in a break up, but only[i] after[/i] feelings are hurt and drama ensues. Normally, I don’t think much of age differences, but because you’ve been dating your fiance since you were 19 and he was 47, and he immediately pressed you into “swinging”, it’s pretty clear that he wasn’t interested in you personally as much as he wanted you sexually and he wanted a willing partner for swinging. Your lack of dating experience made you more of an easy mark than someone with more dating under their belt.

Any man who wants you all to himself isn’t going to tell you you can do whatever you want with other men. Your instinct told you this, but you talked yourself out of what you knew deep down.

In fact, you wrote to me: [quote] Don’t Misunderstand me here, we love each other very very much, we are just not jealous and love and trust each other enough that we are able to participate in more daring activities…[/quote]

But clearly that’s not true because he doesn’t trust you with this last guy, and now he wants to separate.

Whether or not you cheated isn’t relevant in a relationship where threesomes are the norm. What’s relevant is that this isn’t working, and was bound to unravel from the beginning.

My advice is to move on and find a man who wants you all to himself and is willing to give all of himself to you. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[KittyCat]

I think there might be some confusion here. I am not inexperienced with dating, I am extremely intelligent and I have several college degrees and I work and continue my education. I am not sure what your knowledge is in the alternate lifestyles community but there are couples that have been involved in swinging and multiple partners that have been together for decades and still going strong. And we didn’t just jump into swinging we thoughtfully weighed the pros and cons of the situation and we both felt this was something we wanted. And it is not that he doesn’t care or love me enough to be monogamous, it is that he loves me enough to share me with close friends. Pleasure is a gift and right. and we were friends before we even started dating. I do on occasion counsel young women who have been taking advantage of or are victims of violence and the mindset is totally different. As are the offenders. I know he loves and honors me. That is not necessarily the question. The only way the lifestyle can work is if both are completely honest and completely loyal and I am starting to think I broke the rules. I just don’t understand where to start to fix it. Thank you so much for helping me 🙂 I read columns and posts here all the time.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I never once mentioned your education! 😯 In fact it’s worth noting that academia has NOTHING to do with relationships. People with advanced degrees from fine universities write me here with relationship problems. So let go of the idea that equates university success with relationship success. They’re apples and oranges.

Next, I understand you know couples who have “swung” for decades, but the ones who write here, [i]always[/i] try to make threesomes and swinging work — and can’t. [i]If you want this kind of relationship, that’s fine, but the idea of cheating within a relationship where your fiance tells you from the get go to go sleep with other men, is ludicrous.[/i] 😕 Cheating means you’ve broken the rules. When the rules allow you to sleep with other men, it seems silly to even consider cheating just because you slept with a guy your fiance was okay with you sleeping with. That he didn’t get to witness the act, or participate in it, because you finished before he got home….. well, gosh, I have no idea how that is considered cheating given the relationship landscape you’re in. If as you write, “pleasure is a gift and a right”, then you’ve got a fiance who doesn’t subscribe to the same bill of rights as you do. 😳

And finally, your commitment to the idea that “he loves me enough to share me with his friends” doesn’t hold water with me at all. Men don’t want to share women that they value. When they’ve found their Ms. Right, they want complete ownership. In fact, that’s EXACTLY why he wants to separate from you now — because he didn’t get to participate in the three way sex act you finished before he got home. If he really wanted to share you so much, he wouldn’t be making such a big deal over this.

I appreciate your coming here for advice, but I can’t give you what you want to hear: This isn’t a problem that’s fixable because in my opinion, it’s a relationship that’s flawed from the start. 🙁 I think your fiance took advantage of you from the beginning and is looking for a way out of the relationship now that it’s not working for him any more. Obviously you’re very bright, but your confusion comes from the idea that he’s committed to you. I know this is painful to accept because you feel so strongly about your current lifestyle and your man, but think about it…..

[Member]

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