[Anonymous]

Hi,

Two weeks ago I told a female friend (I am male) I thought we should stop talking. Now I feel a deep hollowness as well as guilt for breaking off contact with someone who has relied upon me. Let me give you a little backstory, and then I would greatly appreciate your advice and feedback.

This girl is a model from Europe. I do art on the side and we met through a modeling site for artists, photographers and models. She was very sweet and seemed to want to be friends with me so our relationship developed. She also began asking for help with things: money to rent a car, help paying her rent, driving her to and from the airport, and driving lessons. Whenever we went out anywhere–to the movies, to dinner–I would pay. She did not take much interest in my life, but shared her problems with me. I always tried to help.

It seemed one-sided, but she called me regularly and kept in touch. She called me her “best friend.” She is beautiful, and has dreams of being an actress or model. I made peace early on with the fact that she was not interested in me romantically as she has dated very rich men, and I felt, being 10 years older and not rich, it would not work out. I also know she is seeing a photographer (who is married) and is always being chased by men.

Yet, I began wondering if she was sincere, whether she really liked me or was using me. There were signs of the latter in the last few months: she would promise to call at a certain time, but either never did or would call much later. Once I went to meet her in her apartment to take her to eat but when I got there and texted her, she was not there. She texted me back that she was downtown and could I meet her there or maybe she would come and take the subway back uptown.

And in all the time I knew her and did things for her, she never once bought me a gift or sent me anything personal.

The straw that broke the camel’s back for me was when I picked her up from the airport two weeks ago. I took off the afternoon from work on that Friday and came in on Sunday to make up the time. When I picked her up on Friday we made plans to see a movie on Sunday night. I called her on Sunday morning from the office and she said she would call me back in an hour. The day passed and I did not hear from her. I did not call her as I wanted to see if she would call. She didn’t.

I got some texts and emails from her the next day, apologizing that at 5:30 PM she fell asleep and did not wake up until 2:30 AM. She was still adjusting to the time difference, she said. I ignored her and then wrote her back that this was not relevant: she didn’t call me all day! She wrote back that her head was so confused that she forgot, and that I was giving her too much stress about it. To me, this was a clear indication that I was not important to her. Here I was working in the morning at my job to make up time and she forgot to call me, even after we spoke briefly in the morning about it. How do you forget to call a “best friend”?

Eventually, that week we spoke briefly, and she was tried so she said she would call me back on Friday between 6 and 7 PM. She called at 8 PM. I did not reply. We spoke again this week and I told her I thought we should not talk for a while. She agreed, saying I was driving her crazy and driving myself crazy. This was true, I thought, but she is doing her part in this craziness as well.

I am now lonely, confused and hurt. We have not spoken for days now and probably will not speak for a while. But I cannot trust her. Am I being too harsh? Is the forgetting to call understandable, even in the context of other things that happened?

I would greatly appreciate all your input. Thank you very much.

[Anonymous]

It definitely sounds like you did the right thing by breaking off contact. You obviously have strong feelings for her, but even you have realized that she’s using you. You’re human so yeah its gonna hurt but eventually it’ll get better.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She is self centered and not a generous person. If you want a relationship of any kind — friendship, romance or marriage — she’s a bad bet. If you want to have fun on her timetable, knowing that she will likely stand you up regularly and not do what she says she will, well, then….she’s your girl. 😕

The question here is why you’re confused and hurt — the lonely part I get. After someone says one thing and does another more than twice or three times, it becomes clear that this behavior isn’t aberrant. It’s normal — for them. So there should be no confusion here that she’s going to continue to treat you like a disposable servant who manipulates you with promises of friendship, etc., but doesn’t walk the walk of a friend. Your hurt doesn’t make any sense because she’s shown you her true colors. If you open your eyes and see who she is, you won’t count on her. When you stop counting on her, your hurt will disappear. You’ll realize she doesn’t mean what she says and you won’t take her words to heart.

The lonely part — now THAT’S something you can do something about! 😉 Read my book called Date Out of Your League written for men who want to get the girl, and learn how to find, attract and win over Ms. Right. Here’s the link where you can buy the book: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. And please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter, and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

Thank you for both replies. April, thank you very much for your guidance. I am impressed enough to want to read more! I’ll check out your book.
Thanks again,
Charlie

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I could help. Please get the book — it’s only $14.95 and it will help you a lot. You can also get more Ask April by following me @AskAprilcom (no dot) on Twitter, and joining me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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