[islander0710]

Hi April:
I recently ended a 6 months FWB relationship. We have been friends for almost 10 years. I had tried twice before to end it (I have some anxiety issues I am working on) but a few days later he would call and talk me back into it.
This time I know I need it to be over. I am not capable of a real committed relationship and we are at the stage where its going up the levels quickly.
He has not made contact with me in 6 days.

Questions:
Do I just leave it alone and if/when he contacts me just deal with it then?
Do I contact him and if so how much longer do I wait so we/I can get closure?

Future: We clicked, we have a great connection and he does care for me deeply. I am pretty sure I can too but just not right now (recently divorced lots going on). I plan on contacting him when I feel I am ready.

If he does make contact with me soon should I mention to him “when I get thru this tough stage I plan on contacting you and if the timing is good I hope we can give this a real try”.
OR
not mention my future plans since this is what I am feeling right now and have no way of knowing I will feel this way when my issues are resolved? Thank you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you’re newly divorced, and you’re very clear this is not a good relationship for you right now and you know that he has a tendency to talk you back into the relationship that isn’t right for you….I suggest you don’t contact him, and instead focus on you! Don’t mention any future plans because your divorce is too new and you have some anxiety issues to work on before you get involved with anyone else.

Since you’ve been friends for ten years, I sincerely doubt you’ll lose all contact with him, but for now, let him go, don’t contact him, and don’t talk about a future together.

I hope that helps — let me know how things go. And please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[islander0710]

Thank you so much April.

He did contact me via text asking how I was doing. Then today texted me with a play by play on his days events and said he would like to talk. I said that he could call me anytime.

He has not called yet. I seriously doubt he will try again to make me “see the light” and start this up again. But if he should I will explain that I am not relationship material at this time. I have done much thinking and accept that I have projected a lot of fears onto him and assuming he will not be who I think he is should we make a go at a real committed relationship. Even if that is the case, meaning he would be good relationship material, the fact I still worry about it confirms that I am not ready.

Thank you so much this is a great service 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome, and thank you for the kind words. 😀

When he does contact you, your plan for what you’ll say is great — but he’s going to continue contacting you as long as there is engagement. If you want to maintain the friendship you have to modify your behavior with him. Keep things short and sweet. Don’t go too personal — in other words, keep the subjects you talk about light and away from romantic relationships (past, present or future).

This distance will move the relationship to friendship because you’ll be behaving as a friend, not as a potential lover or partner, and it will free you up to use your energy on other things that are more productive for you at this time in your life. 😉

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[islander0710]

April
He finally came over to talk after three weeks of no call.
It was a very mature and calm discussion. Initially he agreed to respect my wishes. Within 20 minutes our chemistry got in the way and he was doing and saying what he could to get back. I was strong and made light of it. We were able to sit and talk and joke as the friends we’ve always been.
We texted several times since then about regular days events. I am having a hard time dealing with the reality of losing my lover. I’ve never gone without sex and intimacy for over a few weeks in my entire adult life. In two days it will be one month of no sex.
I am eager to go thru this so my brain and body will see it can be done.
I know what needs to be done to work and prioritize me but I am in a funk.
My mind spends time on rationalizing why I shouldn’t start it up again. It’s very hard to stop the thinking.
I did cry the night after I saw him. I’m not sure if it was for him or the thought of not having the intimacy period.
I’m going to read your books and hopefully get some more tools to get me back on track. Thanks again.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The more you cut the contact, the less you’ll cry after seeing him. 😳 Read Think & Date Like A Man, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. You can buy it on the link I’ve just given you (where it’s on sale!) or on the websites for Barnes & Noble and Amazon. The book will help focus you on finding Mr. Right. I think it will make you feel better about what you’re doing, too. 🙂

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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