[25yearslater]

I’m 40 years old. I’m divorced. I have 2 awesome kids, and despite being single, I am relatively happy.

When I was young and dumb (15) I fell for the ‘love of my life’ hard. I was consumed with her. I had seriously intense feelings of ‘love’ for her. Of course she dumped me! Never again did I allow myself to feel that way toward someone. Not even my Ex-wife. Sure I get attracted to people, but never again did I ever have that “this is the one” type *infatuation* with someone.

I have high standards, and I pretty much believe the perfect woman for me is a mental construct and not someone who could actually exist in the real world. Until now. I thought for sure that feeling was reserved for 15 year olds. I thought it was a product of immature innocence. After 25 years, the same stupid feeling I had when I was 15 is back for someone new. A perfect angel (of course). I don’t get it.

She is married, my thoughts are consumed with her. This is ridiculous, if you knew what a stiff I’ve become you wouldn’t believe my passion is so inflamed. She is very friendly to me, our kids go to school together. She is constantly smiling at me, and recently gave me [b]‘the look’[/b]. She looked straight into my eyes and stopped there, and made sure I knew. I thought I would never breathe again.

I am not one to ruin marriages. But I have intense passion for this woman. I would never try to pry her from her marriage, or even complicate it. But this feeling for her, its not even in the same ballpark with lust. Its a spiritual soul piercing infatuation that has nothing to do with physical attraction. Yes, she is a picture of perfect beauty, but that was just the eye catcher. It seems like the kind of thing you share with someone when they have pre-occupied your mind in such a way.

My question is simple. Do I tell her? Or do I just keep it a secret, and ‘look’ back, with an approving smile.

I have no idea how great her marriage is, I assume, based on her demeanor, she is a very happy person. Of course telling her how I feel would not be a plea on my part for her to return my affection. I know I’ve fallen hard for forbidden fruit. It hurts badly. But what if she hates her marriage? It appears she doesn’t. What if the look she gave me was a challenge for me to speak up? ouch.

[25yearslater]

okay-
Today she drew my attention to the fact she changed her hair. (like I didn’t notice instantly)

Then she encouraged me to join a local club so our kids could play together this summer. I have it bad. Am I inventing her interest in me out of desire? I have been playing it totally cool in her presence, but inside I’m on fire around her.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Just because you have feelings doesn’t mean you should act on them. If everyone acted on every feeling they had, there would be chaos all the time. The reality is that civility and maturity mean you DON’T act on your feelings sometimes. You acknowledge them and process the reason why you’re dismissing them.

In this case, if you do act on your adolescent feelings, you may end up breaking up her marriage and her family. This is going to affect her children. You’re also putting your children at risk because they seem to travel in the same social circle.

Forget it. Instead, use this “awakening” as a “note to self” that you need to start dating available and appropriate women. There are plenty out there — start looking for Ms. Right — not Ms. Right now. You need a legitimate date — with someone who is available and isn’t going to complicate your life, and for whom you’re not going to be a complication. If you had a girlfriend or a dating life, you wouldn’t be so vulnerable.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[25yearslater]

April,

Thank you so much for your reply. Actually, I do have a dating life. I recently dated a friend from 20 years ago, and I do meet new people frequently online. I almost always have ‘someone’ I am talking to and trying to date. (Single parenthood has its challenges, and I have my kids most of the time.)

I’ve been dating like this for 3 years. I’ve met some really interesting high quality women. However, that spark, that one I describe here, has never occurred with any of them. It’s the one wear your chest fills with breathless anxiety and you feel yourself overcome emotionally and physically.

I fought this hard. I met her a year and a half ago because our kids enjoy each other. I could hardly speak when I met her. (which isn’t usually a problem for me, have you noticed? hehe) I put it in the back of my mind, (as you have suggested, and i agree with) for a year and a half. Then recently, I spent time talking to her at a party, and realized I knew her sister’s husband fairly well, as I had worked with him 15 years prior. I was lost in conversation with her. She really is amazing. At this point, the battle was lost for me.

I agree with you, I don’t want to subject kids to pain and suffering. I was angry with my ex for putting my own children through it. But now, all of us are far better off.

I don’t know if I am trying to convince you to give me a green light. I guess my point is, I’m not a lonely desperate soul. I talk to many women. None have given me this kind of spark. Not in 25 years. That’s hard to walk away from.

[25yearslater]

Sorry for the multiple replies, I am still processing what you said…

I can assure you I would not act (physically) on my feelings for her while she is married and would not even allow for an elaborate emotionally affair. And I would tell her that if I were to tell her how I felt. Do you believe that my telling her this, could still lead to a broken marriage?

If it did, wouldn’t it be the case that the marriage was already broke??

Maybe it is different for women, but I guess I’d like to know if someone felt that way about me. This is the perspective I am coming from. Thanks for any more of your thoughts on this, April.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I can assure you I would not act (physically) on my feelings for her while she is married and would not even allow for an elaborate emotionally affair. And I would tell her that if I were to tell her how I felt. Do you believe that my telling her this, could still lead to a broken marriage?

If it did, wouldn’t it be the case that the marriage was already broke??
[/quote]

Don’t tell her how you feel. 😕 Two year olds act on every feeling. Mature adults don’t. 😳 Whether or not her marriage is “broken” is none of your business. She’s either married or she’s not. If she is, then move on. You both have children and there is too much at stake.

Feelings are something to note, but behavior is what is important. Date single, available women. Don’t waste your time or hers, and don’t put your children or hers at risk for social and emotional problems. Hope that’s clear!

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[25yearslater]

April,

I thought long about your advice and agree with it 100%. We get lost sometimes. I still need to resolve it, internally somehow, so I let out a cathartic howl with this…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You did the right thing. 😉

Try not to dwell on her. I promise that in a year or two, you’ll look back at this episode and laugh and be SO glad you didn’t act and create chaos.

Use this opportunity to amp up your search for a fabulous Ms. Right who is available and ready to be all yours. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[25yearslater]

Thanks for your advice, painful though it be. I am disappointed you didn’t post my link. I’d like to meet others who may have found themselves in this situation. May I post it in non link form?

noforbiddenfruit dot blogspot dot com

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I hope that the advice helps. 😀

[25yearslater]

Not saying anything to her was definitely the right advice. I agree that creating chaos and messing with other people’s lives is NEVER a good thing. lol I thank you for bringing me back down to earth on that, regardless of the landing.

However, The Mrs. Right thing, well there I’ll remain the skeptic. I think I’ve missed the boat on Mrs. Right, and while dating is always fine, I probably won’t anymore. Because it’s a waste of time. I’ve been doing it with people who have similar interests and circumstances as I do for 3 years now, and it is terribly unfulfilling. I’ve been out with high profile, gorgeous women. I’ve been with down to earth beauty’s, and with women so perfectly matched to my circumstances that you would think we were cut from a puzzle mold waiting to be connected. None of those people have sparked my passion. Sure I could date them, we could help each other, but to what end? In hopes that passion comes? (And as a side note, there are those of us men that find little point in passionless sex, so yeah maybe its fun for a night, but why bother? What if she likes me? – that’s just a p.i.t.a.)

I fear the kind of woman that does spark my passion, is the kind that doesn’t end up in my life circumstance. (40 years old, single with children) She is likely happily married, because someone found her and wisely kept her. She’s too smart to be where I am, or else had no control over it (very rare). This isn’t a slap in the face to divorcee’s (I am one) – it’s just a statement about the kind of woman I’m attracted to.

I’m not going to settle for what’s available and end up in the same circumstance in 10 years. This married woman is the first person to make me feel this in 25 years, and unfortunately for me, I can imagine another 25 going by until someone like her comes along again.

So I guess I’ll just be what I am…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I wish you good luck!

[Member]

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