[Anonymous]

I need help; I’m smitten with one of my closest friends. We’ve known each other for about 6 years and have been close for about 3. About a year and a half ago, we were both in long term relationships, but once talked half-seriously about how great we would be as a couple if we were both single. She used the words, jokingly on a separate occasion, “we should date”, and in the same time frame accidentally referred to me as her boyfriend once or twice when introducing me to new people. I’ve been living abroad for a year and returned several ago- we’ve grown extremely close again, and now we’re both single. I was hesitant for a while because I was planning to leave again, and work in conflict zones.

Then about two months ago we were having dinner together, talking for around three hours waiting for our mutual friend and her boyfriend to join us. I hypothetically asked her about working abroad in places like the Middle East and Southeast Asia, and she responded that she would love to, but wasn’t ready to leave her friends and family yet. She responded by asking me if I could see myself sticking around and working here for a year or so, adding that she felt like it would make me happier at this point in my life. After that night, I began to reimagine my future as one that might include her. I’ve been looking for work here that is meaningful and fulfilling, ie. that challenges me and lets me use my talents and training, and I have three very promising interviews coming up in the next week. Up to this point, I have written off her mixed signals as her waiting to make sure I set down roots before beginning anything.

I’m used to being objective, but telling whether or not a close friend feels the same way I do about taking things forward? Massive blind spot. I feel like she does, but I don’t trust my feelings. So I’ve collected the evidence, and now in all humility ask you, please, be so kind as to examine it for yourself and give me your opinion.

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Starting with the discouraging.
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In texts and facebook messages she’s greeted me with the phrases “hi friend” from time to time, and once even said “hey buddy”. She calls me whenever she has a problem that she needs to talk about. She tells me when she’s sick. She asks about my day, even banal stuff like what I made for breakfast, and tells me about hers. I’ve noticed opportunities where she could have made physical contact, but didn’t. I would say that most of the time, it feels to me that we are just friends. And I guess every possible sign of interest that she doesn’t display is discouraging too?

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Possibly discouraging, possibly encouraging?
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She calls or texts very frequently- we usually have an average of 3 conversations a day, with her initiating about 60% of them. She’s told me on several occasions that she loves me (which I returned). Neither of us ever specificed what exactly we meant by it.

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And finally, encouraging.
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These are of course the most plentiful, because they’re what I’ve been actively looking for.

She usually addresses me “Mere”, “Merebear”, “Mister”, or “Hey you”. She laughs at all my jokes, even the really stupid ones- the other day she even told me she had a hysterical laughing fit from a text message I sent her while she was talking to her accountant (it was a pretty funny text). She takes opportunities to make physical contact, and seems to welcome when I do as well. She plans or helps plan “alone time” once or twice a week. Her friends have inquired about my relationship status on a couple of occasions, once very un-organically in front of the girl in question. When I mention that I was out to dinner with someone, she asks who it was with, usually immediately. On the other hand, she’s never mentioned the slightest interest in another guy.

She is randomly inquisitive, ie- texting me out of the blue to ask what my favourite band is, or just calling to ask about things like that. She plans or makes references to the future- asked me to teach her how to play tennis this summer, or when she asks me what I’m doing and I say I’m riding my stationary bike, she’s asked if I didn’t think it would be more fun to ride real bikes with her once the snow melts. She asked me if I wanted to go to a concert with her more than 3 months away. She’s mildly bashed my ex who I’m still sort-of friends with, saying stuff like “you’re too nice to her” (I once took her to buy cat litter at 8:30pm when her car wasn’t starting and I had something else to do). She made a point of telling me she got total closure with her ex. She dresses nice and wears perfume to hang out with me alone. The other night, even though she only had two drinks in 5 hours, she claimed to be too drunk to drive so I drove her home and she left her car at my place- returning the next afternoon and hanging out for another four hours (she’s 91 pounds, so it’s not entirely unrealistic that she’d be a bit tipsy).

She’s told me sporatically that I’m “the sweetest”, “the nicest”, “the funniest”, and “the smartest” guy she knows, and other friends of hers have jokingly bantered when meeting me about how the girl in question has said these things to them. She’s told me that her parents would love me. A couple of days ago she told me that she finds my body type sexy, when I jokingly lamented being built like a cro magnus (I’m only average height, but have disproportionately large arms/shoulders/back. Long hair and frequent stubble completes the caveman look). She frequents my facebook page and commented very positively on an old post the other day. She’s adopted a number of my interests, especially in music, film and literature. And finally, she’s been getting increasingly excited as my job prospects here have continued to improve, while giving negative reactions any time I mention an overseas position that I’m qualified for.

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Reading it now the positive seems to outweigh the negative overwhelmingly, but almost all of it could be a girl with a gay friend who she thinks is just really awesome, but feels no attraction for. She did say that when I get one of the jobs I’m interviewing for this week and next (“when”, not “if”), that we’d celebrate with good champagne… and I’ve got my heart in my throat hoping for her signals to be clearer after that happens. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but it worries me that we’re too familiar with one another for that air of romantic mystery to build up.

What do you think? Should I go with the hard sell and make myself less available, and put off responding to her calls and texts? Deny her and say “no” more? Should I overtly pay attention to other girls? These are the things the “experts” all seem to say, but just writing them makes me grimace and thinking about them makes my stomach twist. Or should I go with the hard risk and amp up the playful flirting/teasing, take more “touch risks” and pay her more out-of-the-blue compliments? Should I wait it out and see if the fog clears, or will the iron cool if I don’t strike it while it’s hot?

Am I misinterpreting something? Am I in the “friend zone”? Are there any other specific signs or signals that I should be looking for, to get insight one way or another? I need an unbiased eye!

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Additional information.
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We’re both 25, have the same undergraduate degree and both work in the non-profit/community service sector. We’re both health nuts. We share most of the same interests. We both have a lot of relationship experience for people our age, and my feeling is that we’re both about ready to consider finding “the one” at this point in our lives. I just don’t know if we’re the one for each other, though I very much want us to be; every single thing about her, even her clumsiness, drives me absolutely out of my mind with adoration. If there’s any other information that might help, please ask.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are people who do and people who talk about doing. You’re the latter. Change that, today! 😀 Ask her out on a date and see how it goes. If you have a nice time, ask her out again. You’ll find out if she likes you if you actually show her you want to date her. Quit talking and analyzing and start doing!

Let me know how it goes and I hope you’ll also follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=1[/url]. 🙂

[adamsmith709]

Hi,
I am quite new to this forum but am impressed with it.I would like to seek your help.I am in a relationship for last 6 months.But sometimes I feel that she does not feel the way I feel for her.She says she is always very practical.But I wonder if it’s the truth because she is never willing to give me any kind of explanations if i ask her for, whereas I believe I have that right to ask her anything I want to as I am her Boy friend..

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Can you please post this question starting a new thread? Other people may want to reply to [b]DustyPaths[/b]‘s post — and [b]DustyPaths[/b] may want to ask follow up questions here. If I answer your question here, and [b]DustyPaths[/b]‘s questions it gets too confusing for readers. So just start a new post, and I’ll be more than happy to answer you! 😀

[Member]

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