[anakmtjah]

My boyfriend is the best guy I’ve dated in all my 25 years. Problem is, he tries to stay friends with all his ex-girlfriends and I can’t stand it.

I try to tolerate it, but I especially can’t seem to like his once-ex-current-best-friend who makes jokes about disabled people (my sister is handicapped and it really offended me) and once introduced me during a soiree of people we barely knew as “her ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend”.

Two days ago, they caught a movie with another female friend in another city, but then near midnight he suddenly told me she was coming to stay over because she couldn’t contact her friends in that city. He asked me to come over too, but I declined because I would feel too awkward with her around.

I was extremely upset and felt disrespected at this unpleasant surprise. Here’s what I’m thinkging:
1. Am I overreacting?
2. Should I be OK with it since in his words, they’re only “best friends” now?
3. Also, is this just a cultural thing? because he’s European and I’m Southeast Asian.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not overreacting and this is not a cultural difference that has to do with continents. 😕 Your boyfriend has adopted a lifestyle of keeping his ex-girlfriends around — and having them sleep over! Try explaining to him that this is something that makes you uncomfortable, and if he puts your discomfort ahead of his ex relationships, then you’ve got a winner as a boyfriend! If he puts his own desire to keep the girls around, you may want to reconsider the relationship.

All relationships have ups and downs and if you’re in a low spot or going through a rough patch with him, these ex-girlfriends are going to be more than a thorn in your side. I know you’re attached to him, but it’s time to start dating with a purpose and if he isn’t going to be Mr. Right, you can’t force him to be.

See what he says and be prepared to take care of yourself if he won’t. 😉

I hope that helps — please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[anakmtjah]

April,
Thanks for the advice. I talked to him and told him my feelings – that this ‘surprise’ arrangement made me feel disrespected and upset, and that I don’t like the girl and to please not force us to be friends. In reply, he said he doesn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable in any way. We also compromised and decided that he not talk about her in front of me, and if any of his ex-es ever need to stay over, that he tell me in advance.

I hope it works out, because we are going on a good path here (:

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I was able to help. 😀

It’s great that you can keep the channel of communication open. Remember to reward him for his behavior! 😎 Give him reason to want to put you first over the other women he knows. Eventually, he won’t work at — he’ll want to do whatever makes you comfortable without a second thought.

Let me know how things continue to go — and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[anakmtjah]

Hi April,

It’s been 5 months and to update you, there were several other incidents with this ex-girlfriend – the most unpleasant of which was that she hung out with us on his birthday (I said yes because it was his birthday and I didn’t expect that “meeting up” meant hanging around for 2 hours) and started talking about another of his ex-girlfriends in front of me. The good thing was, he shut her up. And later on he apologised for having asked her along in the first place.

A few weeks ago, she called him to ‘catch up’ and when he told her he was planning to marry me, she made a joke that she didn’t expect him to get married on an elephant (which I thought was rude, as if that’s what we in the ‘Third World’ do). Now, this girl has accused me of making anonymous phone calls at night to her house. But my boyfriend believes me without me having to prove anything.

What’s bugging me now is, can I tell him to stop talking to her? Or is that too much to ask? Because he doesn’t have many friends that know him for a long time, so I don’t want to take his friendships away. I told him I respect his wishes to remain friends with her, but that he doesn’t have to tell me every gory detail of their conversation because she really says such offensive things.

To be fair, he’s not calling her – she is, and he’s just too nice to tell her he doesn’t want to talk. I’m afraid that him keeping such a friend around says more about him than about her. Or am I just not tolerant enough?

Thanks, April.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your observation and analysis of the situation are exactly right. This [i]is[/i] about him. If you continue to be with him, expect more of the same. It’s really sounding like this issue is going to end up being a deal breaker down the line. For example, if you have children together and he goes out to be with these ex-girlfriends while you’re stuck home with the kids, you’re going to feel very uncomfortable (as opposed to him going out with his buddies while you babysit). Dating is a process where you get to know someone and decide if they’re Mr. Right or not. You’ve hit a roadblock, I’m afraid. You’ve been very thoughtful, open and understanding, but most women would not be okay about his behavior. It’s time to move on. 😳

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