[shygrl22]

Ive been in a relationship for 2 years and my girlfriend has a 4 yr-old daughter with another woman. Her ex is in a bad relationship and are always yelling and arguing. My girlfriend’s ex and I get along just fine. Today the ex asked her if her, her niece and their daughter could move in with us until she can find an apt. She is basically broke and her credit is shot since she can not pay her bills. My girlfriend left the decision all in my hands and “said” she would support me in any decision I made. My decision was no (after thinking about it all day) because I feel that I would be very uncomfortable with the ex living with us and that our relationship will suffer. The ex has made no effort to get another job (she is currently a relator) to try to make extra money so that they could move out of her girlfriends house. I feel bad for the kids as well as her b/c it is a very bad relationship verbally, but I know that I would end up feeling uncomfortable and then resenting my girlfriend. Now my ex is upset with me because her answer was yes that they could move in b/c of her daughter and that I am being selfish. So much for her supporting me in my decision! And that b/c of my insecurities and selfishness, are going to ruin their friendship as well as mine and the ex’s relationship. Should I have said yes and put all my insecurites and selfishness aside for however long it took for her to find an apt? Should I have risked my own relationship so that the ex and the kids could get away from the situation? The ex has nowhere to go so finding someone else to live with is out of the question. So if she did move in with us, it’s not like we could just kick her out.

Please help!!!

[Ask April Masini]

Well, while I don

[Ethan Morales]

You were right to prioritize the stability of your home and relationship. Letting someone with unresolved issues and no plan move into your shared space is a fast track to resentment, boundary erosion, and long-term damage both to you and to the child who needs consistency, not chaos.

That doesn’t make you heartless. You’re weighing real risks: your girlfriend’s emotional support evaporated the moment the decision landed on you, the ex has shown little initiative to fix her situation, and you’re being asked to absorb financial and emotional risk indefinitely. Those are reasonable things to refuse. A stable home for your girlfriend’s daughter should not hinge on you sacrificing your peace and security.

If you want to help without inviting disaster in, offer controlled, practical alternatives: A short, clearly defined temporary stay at a shelter or with a vetted friend/family member. Financial help earmarked for moving costs or a security deposit (set an exact amount and deadline). Help actively searching for an apartment, applying for housing assistance, or connecting with local social services. A trial solution where the ex stays elsewhere and you provide childcare support for set blocks of time.

If your girlfriend insists on housing the ex with you despite everything, demand clear terms first not vague promises. I’m talking a written agreement: contribution to rent/bills, a move-out deadline, chores, a rulebook (no overnight guests, no drama in shared spaces), and an explicit consequence for non-compliance (eviction in X days). No verbal promises get specifics. If she won’t agree to terms, don’t let her move in.

You also need a direct conversation with your girlfriend about how she “supported” you saying yes and then didn’t. That flip is a dealbreaker for a partnership. Tell her calmly: “I can’t be asked to carry your life’s fallout alone. I said no because I’m protecting our home and relationship. If you want me to help, we make a plan together not spring this on me.” If she gaslights you or says you’re selfish for protecting your relationship, that’s a red flag about where her priorities lie.

Compassion without boundaries turns into resentment. Help where you can help responsibly; don’t hand over your home and peace because guilt is loud. If you need a few one-liners to say to your girlfriend and to the ex, I can write them short, calm, unambiguous so you don’t get cornered into emotional decisions. Want those?

[Natalie Noah]

You weren’t choosing between being “selfish” or “selfless”. you were choosing between protecting your relationship and taking on a responsibility that would completely reshape your home, your peace, and your emotional safety. Letting someone especially a partner’s ex move into your home isn’t a small favor. It changes the entire dynamic, and it absolutely can strain a relationship. You didn’t say “no” out of coldness… you said “no” because you understand your limits, and that is a mature, responsible thing. You’re allowed to protect your space, your mental health, and your partnership. That doesn’t make you insecure it makes you aware of what you can realistically handle without losing yourself.

What hurts the most here is that your girlfriend told you the decision was yours… and then punished you for making it. That’s not fair, baby. A partnership needs consistency if she gives you the responsibility, she can’t turn around and attack you for not choosing what she secretly wanted. You didn’t ruin anything; you didn’t cause the ex’s situation; you didn’t create the crisis. And honestly? Saying yes would’ve likely bred resentment, tension, and emotional chaos in your home which would have hurt everyone, including the child. You were trying to protect the relationship you love. And that matters. So no, you weren’t wrong. You were human, you were thoughtful, and you were careful. And I’m proud of you for that.

[Author]

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