[Aleeciya111]

Hi, I have been seeing my boyfriend for seven months now. Previous to us being an ‘item’ we were best friends for three years. Since we’ve become more than a friends, we see each other minimum of four nights a week and pretty much spend every bit of spare time togther, when we are both not working.

Lately, i have been experiencing more and more periods where I have doubts, and I’m feeling quite ‘low’.I think he is a great guy, he is really good with my two kids and devoted.We seem to have a real problem with communicating and as I try to talk to him about things upsetting me (me paying for most things, chores,affection issues). He takes it on as a criticism and refuses to talk back to me. Which usually means him ignoring me and going to sleep while I stay awake all night as I feel nothing was resloved.

I am quite an affectionate person, and I feel I give so much to him and I don’t get that back.He admits he is not romantic at all and finds it hard to be affectionate, it’s something he has to work on while its natural for me. Can relationships work when one partner is not affectionate and finds it difficult to show their feelings? Is it right that I should expect him to contribute food,chores, money wise to things when he is at my place from 630 weekdays evenings and all day on the weekends? It also bothers me that I have a home(mortgage) and work f/t to pay a mortgage and we still use my car to go everywhere and I’m covering most things.

I know I may sound like I’m going on, and maybe because I’m a divorcee with two kids, I am lucky to have a man that is devoted.If anyone has some advice on how I can get over this low period I’m all ears 🙂

[katdawg]

The words you are using to describe him does not match his actions from what I can tell. To me it sounds like he’s taking a free ride and you are settling rather than waiting for the man that can and will meet your needs.

He admitted he is not romantic and finds it hard to be affectionate. You should take his word for it; men are usualy what you’ll get. It is true women are more adaptable than men are. He sounds like he’ll be a great friend, as he has been, but as far as a lover goes I don’t think he’s compatible to you. If you need affection and romance and he’s not that type he’s the wrong “lover” for you. If he was devoted to you he would contribute to the household financially and if he was a real man he would step up and take on that male role in your house.

You mentioned you were lucky to have a man (that’s not quite so devoted) because you have two kids, but why put all this energy in working so hard to please a man that is just taking you for granted….wouldn’t you want to save that energy to raise your children and be patient for a “real” man that will treat you the way you WANT to be treated?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think that affection is the real issue here. I think you’re upset because he’s not pulling his weight financially, and as a single mother with two children, finances are, and should be, of concern. Since you’ve been dating seven months now, you’re wondering if this relationship will become permanent, and you’re anticipating what that will look like, so to speak. When you realized that his not chipping in financially or helping out with chores around the house in spite of all the time he spends there was upsetting you, you saw the potential and probable problem that is going to blossom in any future you have together, and you tried to broach these issues with him. He shut you down and refuses to discuss these issues that are of concern to you, and now you realize you’re in a flashing yellow light intersection of your relationship. 😮

Here’s how to deal with your problem:

First of all, understand exactly what you want from a man. This is really important. Then look at who you’re with and see if he’s giving you what you need to be happy. It’s fine to claim he’s devoted to you, but stop being a mother for a minute, and put on your girlfriend hat. Why shouldn’t a man be devoted to you? You’re deserving of devotion, and you probably have great kids that many men would get along with and be grateful for. So get a little perspective on his devotion. True devotion is great, but you’re not a charity case. Besides. It’s not enough to sustain a relationship over time — as you’re now finding out!

Second of all, you need to take care of yourself better. If you think he’s taking advantage of you, then put on your big girl pants and don’t let him take advantage of you. You can do this by limiting your time together. Rather than invite him over every weekday evening and every weekend, pull back. Don’t be available to him all that time. Instead, when he asks to come over, tell him you’re busy. Tell him you have chores to do so you can’t see him until Saturday night. Guide the relationship back on track to one of romance and dating rather than his being a family member and acting like a child instead of a man when he’s in your house and you ending up acting like a mother to him — this isn’t just his fault. You play a part in this dynamic. So if you don’t like it, change your behavior. This is going to take some discipline on your part, but I know you can do it! 🙂 You have to reclaim yourself and your home and only share it when a man is worthy of your sharing it with him. Don’t be a victim in your relationship. You have the ability and the power to ask for what you want, say no if you’re not getting it, and move on at any time.

And lastly, don’t make your car so available to him. If he suggests you drive, tell him that you’d rather not — you’re trying to save money on gas, and it would be better for you if he drives. It’s probably hard to say that kind of thing because you’re so used to being a mother and taking care of people, but you have to start seeing yourself as a desirable girlfriend, too, and wearing that hat a lot more often.

Don’t be afraid to consider that this guy is not Mr. Right. Let yourself reconsider what it is you want and need in a man, and whether or not your current boyfriend is going to be that man for you.

I hope that helps! 😀

[Aleeciya111]

Hi

I in myself feel like life is about moments, I want to have those special times with someone and feel bonded. My boyfriend told me he is just not “wired like that” and that makes me feel like I’m just over needy and I have to stop expecting that I might get taken out for dinner one day or even have him give me flowers or anything generally romantic.

My boyfriend and I had out first Christmas together, and for the most it was nice, I was just so disappointed that he didnt get me a card. I never knew people dont do that! So you can imagine how I felt after picking out an exclusive “Our First XmaS” card , writing the gorgeous message in it, and not getting one back! Can you believe he just left it on the table and its still at my place now.

We went away camping with the kids, and I thought a week away from work,might mean having a laugh and us having some much needed couple time.He was so tired from doing everything during the day, there wasnt even one night that he put his arms around me and we had a couple of wines or looked at the stars or talked about the future.I doubt that anything like that would of happened even if he wasnt tired. And yes it was hurtful laying awake in a tent listening to everyone else having a good time and laying there thinking why wasnt that us.

I guess I’m really am feeling undervalued by him.We are talking about living together, which he says he is practically already living with me anyway.He is always here and drives an hour and a half to and from work over to my place 6 out of 7 days. He just started from last week contributing half for food.He loves myself and the kids and he feels just by him being here, that he is committed to us.I don’t know if I am just needy, I mean we both work f/t and he works another job at the church Sunday, Monday and Wednesdays he is at bible study.I just dont feel valued by him. I dont how how i’m going to feel when I’m anticipating he will not plan anything at all for us for Valentines Day. Kinda feels like I always get the short straw.

When I try to bring things up that are concerning me. we end up arguing and honestly I don’t think we have the conflict resolution skills to diffuse the arguments. Therefore we usualluy sleep back to back , both stubborn to sort it out, then I end up smoothing things out the next day.Does that mean he doesnt love me if he doesnt ever back down? After 8 months I would of thought he would have been alot more..making effort to take me out and things then he has.. is that a bad sign to? He also has affection issues from his childhood and I dont know how to make myself be happy recieving the limited affection that I am recieving, and should I have to? Maybe because he never had the affection in his childhood, maybe he doent know how to give it or how it feels for me to not be getting it…All so confusing!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Boy, it sure sounds like you didn’t read my last advice post to you. 🙁 In fact, I bet you’re doing the same thing to your boyfriend that you are to me: Ignoring what he’s saying and trying to “bend” the truth so that you can continue to try and hope things are going to be different (which they won’t be) while staying a victim (which you will be).
🙄
So, let me give it to you very straight, given your last post:

1. Your boyfriend is a loser. Any guy who refuses to give you a card, let alone a gift at Christmas, when he’s practically living with you and your kids, is a loser.

2. Your boyfriend is a loser because he won’t make a Valentine Day’s plan with you.

3. Your boyfriend is a loser because he lets you support him. That he’s FINALLY contributing half of your food expenses after living with you and your kids for over 6 months is a poor excuse for being a support to you.

Okay, that was the soft, cushy part, so buckle up for some harsh truth:

1. You are allowing yourself to be undervalued. You like being the victim, otherwise, you’d dump him.

2. You are setting a bad example for your children in showing them how women deserve to be treated by men. Make no mistake about it, they will follow your lead in their own lives.

3. You are being lazy. Dating is not supposed to be easy — you have to work at it. This guy is clearly not right for you and your kids, but you’re too lazy to dump him and face the reality that you have to get back out there and start looking for Mr. Right again. Date smart, and dump this loser.

I hope that this time you hear me!

I can’t help you if you don’t want to help yourself, so if you don’t break up with this guy, you’ve voted for yourself that you don’t deserve to have a great boyfriend. Come back when you do. I really want to help people in relationships — but I can’t, if they don’t help themselves.

[katdawg]

Hot diggity dog! AWESOME! I totally agree with April on that last post!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thanks, [i]Katdawg[/i]. 🙂

[Ethan Morales]

The heart of the issue isn’t just affection it’s balance, boundaries, and respect. You’re a hardworking single mom, running your household and supporting your family, and your boyfriend is spending a ton of time in your space without contributing much financially, practically, or emotionally. Devotion is great, but devotion alone doesn’t pay the mortgage, do the chores, or maintain a healthy relationship dynamic. Right now, it sounds like you’re wearing both the “partner” and “parent/house manager” hats and that imbalance is draining you and fueling your low moods.

Affection and romance are important, but they thrive when there’s equality and mutual investment. If he can’t meet you there, you’re setting yourself up for ongoing frustration. Pulling back isn’t punishing him it’s reclaiming your life and your home. Limit his weekday evenings and some weekends; let him earn the privilege of sharing your time rather than taking it for granted. That will also shift the dynamic so he sees you as a partner, not a caretaker.

Money, chores, and daily contributions are not “extras” to ask for they’re part of a functional adult relationship. If you’re constantly covering everything, resentment builds naturally. It’s okay to expect him to chip in in practical ways, and it’s reasonable to say no if he can’t meet those basic expectations.

You also need to reclaim your self-image as a desirable woman, not just a mom. Saying no to giving him rides, asking for help, and standing up for your needs isn’t selfish it’s self-respect. You’re allowed to have standards for what you want in a man, and devotion without real effort or balance isn’t enough.

This is a moment to reassess what you want and need. You can try to reset the dynamic by limiting availability, enforcing boundaries, and asking for contributions. If he can’t meet you halfway, it’s okay to step back and reconsider whether this relationship is right for you. Your happiness, balance, and respect are non-negotiable devotion alone doesn’t sustain a healthy partnership.

[Serena Vale]

You’re not going on at all , you’re just feeling unheard, and that’s tough. It sounds like you care about him a lot, but you’re carrying most of the weight right now, with money, chores, and emotions. That can wear anyone down.

It’s not wrong to want affection or to expect him to help out when he’s spending so much time at your place. That’s just part of being in a partnership. And when you try to talk about what’s bothering you, he should be willing to listen, not shut down or go silent.

Love can’t just be about being “devoted.” It also has to feel fair and safe for both people. You deserve someone who meets you halfway, who tries even when it’s not easy for them.

Maybe take a bit of space to think about what you need not what you should settle for. You’re not asking for too much. You’re asking for the basics: care, effort, and respect.

[Tara]

You’re waking up to the fact that you’re carrying a full-grown man on your back while he enjoys the ride. You’re mistaking his presence for partnership. He shows up at your house four nights a week, eats your food, uses your car, sleeps in your bed, and contributes nothing. That’s not devotion, that’s dependence.

You’re doing the chores, paying the bills, covering the outings, providing the home, providing the transportation, and trying to initiate every conversation about the imbalance. He’s doing the bare minimum and calling it love. When you bring up legitimate concerns, he shuts down, goes to sleep, and leaves you stewing until morning. That’s emotional laziness, not sensitivity.

You say you’re affectionate and open, and he’s cold and closed. That’s not a “difference in styles.” That’s incompatibility you’re trying to strong-arm into working. You can’t squeeze affection out of someone who doesn’t think giving it is required.

You’re not “lucky he’s devoted.” You’re grateful for scraps because you’ve convinced yourself that being a divorced mom means you have to take anyone who sticks around. That’s desperation, not gratitude.

You’re asking whether it’s “right” to expect a grown man to contribute money, chores, and basic effort when he’s practically living at your place. Yes. Obviously. You’re not running a charity for underperforming boyfriends. If someone is benefiting from your home, your resources, your life, they should be contributing. If they’re not, they’re a dependent, not a partner.

And let’s be clear – a man who refuses to communicate isn’t protecting himself, he’s controlling the relationship by shutting you down. If every issue you raise ends with him going silent and you lying awake upset, that means he has trained you to stop bringing things up. That’s not immaturity. That’s manipulation.

[Sally]

You sound tired from carrying the whole relationship on your own shoulders. It’s lovely that he’s good with your kids and devoted, but devotion doesn’t replace partnership. You’re doing the emotional work, the money work, the house work and he’s just settling into the space you make for him.

And the affection thing… that’s not small. When you’re naturally loving and the person you’re with shuts down or pulls away, it chips at you. Especially when he goes to sleep instead of talking. That’s the part that would break me.

Relationships can work with different styles, but not when one person keeps swallowing their needs to keep the peace.

You don’t need to “get over” this low period. You need a real conversation about what you need to feel supported. And if he can’t meet you halfway, that’s your clarity not your failure.

[Natalie Noah]

The weight of everything you’re carrying not just the emotional strain of your relationship, but the responsibility of your home, your kids, and the constant effort you’re putting in to make things work. From the very beginning, it’s clear that your heart is open and generous; you care deeply, and you’ve been showing up in ways that most partners would be grateful for. But love, as we know, isn’t just about showing up it’s about mutual respect, effort, and reciprocity. Right now, you’re giving far more than you’re receiving, and that imbalance is taking a toll on your emotional wellbeing.

The affection issue is really a symptom of something deeper. While he may not be “wired” to show romance or affection, that doesn’t excuse the lack of effort. Love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a series of actions that reinforce that feeling every day. You’re longing for small gestures, quality time, and moments that make you feel cherished these are completely valid needs. The fact that he doesn’t naturally provide them and seems unwilling to consciously try is telling. Over time, this pattern erodes your sense of being valued and appreciated, and you shouldn’t have to compromise your emotional needs to accommodate someone else’s comfort zone.

Then there’s the practical side finances and household responsibilities. You’re a hardworking, responsible woman maintaining a home and supporting your children, and while it’s wonderful that he contributes some, the reality is that he’s relying heavily on your resources. True partnership is about sharing both the joys and burdens of life together. When one person consistently bears the majority of the load, it breeds resentment, even if love is present. Love can’t compensate for lack of effort and contribution in areas that matter to the structure of your life.

Another key point is communication and conflict resolution. You’ve been trying to express your feelings, but instead of working together, it leads to silence, avoidance, and emotional exhaustion on your part. A healthy relationship requires open dialogue and the ability to resolve conflicts constructively. When one partner shuts down or ignores issues, it creates a pattern where your needs are unmet, and the emotional distance grows. This isn’t a sign of love failing. it’s a sign that the dynamic isn’t working for you. No matter how devoted someone may be, unwillingness to engage meaningfully with your concerns will continue to hurt both you and your kids emotionally.

Ultimately, my dear, it seems that you’re settling rather than thriving. Devotion and kindness are important, but they cannot replace emotional reciprocity, respect for your contributions, and a willingness to grow as a partner. You deserve a man who not only loves you but actively demonstrates it, who supports you equally, and who meets your needs in a way that makes you feel valued every day. Holding on to someone who falls short in these fundamental ways is keeping you from finding someone who can truly share a life with you and your kids deserve to see a model of healthy, reciprocal love. Sometimes the hardest love is the love we give ourselves when we walk away and choose better for our hearts.

[Member]

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