[ThisSucks]

Old Post:

I’m going to cut to the chase here. I could turn this into a LONG post, but I have a feeling the solution is pretty simple.

There’s a girl, an amazing girl; and there’s me. I REALLY like her, and she likes me. She has a boyfriend of SIX YEARS (her first ever boyfriend, began dating in high school). Probably a deal-breaker, I know. I know she likes me because it has been admitted to me by her friends, we have cuddled, hung out one-on-one, etc. (but we haven’t kissed or anything beyond that). We’ve been good friends for about a year.

She has expressed problems to her friends about her current relationship and her attraction to me which I’ve heard about via her friends. Things have recently become more “serious” between us in that we have been hanging out more one on one and texting more often. She recently explicitly said to me when I was having a bad day that she is really glad we are friends and that she thinks I’m a “great guy” and have a “great heart” and that she admires that I’m always smiling when I’m around her. In response I told her what I like about her, and she replied with a “awe thanks that’s sweet 🙂” (typical right…).

I basically took this as she may like me, but she’s happy enough with her current relationship and isn’t going to go any further with me, but rather just remain good friends. I don’t think she gets how she is leading me on, and we’ve never really sat down and explicitly discussed our situation.

What do I do? Pursue other girls and remain friends with her only to the extent I’m comfortable with (the solution I was anticipating)? Sit down with her and talk about it and possibly still pursue her?

Thanks for the help

[Ask April Masini]

I’m not sure how old you both are, so fill me in if you write again.

You’re in danger of being in the friend zone, which isn’t great. 😕 My advice is that you either ask her out on a date, and compete for her attention, or else stop being her friend and date other women. You can do that, and flirt with her, and tell her you like her so much you can’t be her friend, and when she’s ready to date you she should give you a sign. 😎

Hope that helps.

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[ThisSucks]

Wow you posted that literally right as I was checking back on here. We are both 22. I really doubt that I’m in the friendzone, unless that is what she is currently trying to do go avoid ruining her current relationship, because there have been obvious signs. You don’t think 6+ years together is a sign that they will most likely just remain together? You don’t think it should be a barrier to me making moves on her? I have avoided making moves on her because I don’t want to be a home wrecker.

Thanks again.

[Ask April Masini]

Well, you like her, so your choices are to either pursue her, or to pursue other people and let her be. Since she’s not married, and if you feel like there’s a chance, and you want to try to win her over, and compete for her, then you can go for it. You can’t wreck a home that doesn’t exist. You’ll also force her hand and get an answer to whether you’ve got a shot at her or not, by taking one. 😉

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[ThisSucks]

That’s what I was planning on doing here soon. I’ll keep this thread updated with the results.

[Ask April Masini]

Great! 😀

[ThisSucks]

So I have an update:

We’ve basically been continuing our relationship as it has been: hanging out one on one, getting to know each other better, etc. She definitely still leads me on and flirts with me.

Just the other night, she randomly texted me that her boyfriend was being a jerk and she doesn’t know what to do. She has never been this straightforward to me about her relationship before. This skirmish has turned into a point of uncertainty for her because her boyfriend was apparently blaming her for things and making comments to her like, “I think it’s time for me to grow up,” and “if you keep acting like this when we go out we’re going to have to talk about our future.” That sort of stuff; and they haven’t talked since then, which has been over 3 days. She told me her boyfriend is really controlling and she can’t really stand up for herself or be herself around him all the time. So because of the comments he’s made and the way he hasn’t talked to her in a few days, she is worried that he might be about to end things. The thing is, she told me she loves him and wants it to work out; but she also has been leading me on all this time too: we definitely aren’t “just friends.”

So of course I’m being the nice guy and telling her to stay positive and not worry about things, and that I’m here to talk to. Once again.. they have been dating for like 7 years and their families have grown so close, and she thinks he may have been “settling” for her for a while because of their families’ history and relationship; so I’m wondering if you thinks this sounds like a typical rough spot in a good relationship or if it sounds like it might be breaking up.. and what should I be telling her or doing since I still really like her?

[Ask April Masini]

I think you should stay out of her business. 😕 Her relationship with her boyfriend is between the two of them. 😉

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[ThisSucks]

The thing is, she’s the one to bring it up and talk to me about it. I don’t ask her about it. I should just tell her it’s not my business?

[Ask April Masini]

You can, but you’re skirting the bigger issue — which is that you’re in the friend zone. 🙁 My advice is that you take yourself out.

[ThisSucks]

See new post at top!

[Ask April Masini]

Can you please re-post your new question at the bottom of this string of posts — not the top! It’s way too confusing when the order gets shifted. I always like to see a person’s posts, in order, in one place. It makes it easier for me to give you my best advice.

I’ll look out for the new re-post and answer your question, here. 😀

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[ThisSucks]

Sorry about that!

POST EDIT 3/9/15:

I am convinced I have the absolute worst luck when it comes to falling for girls. I’m a 23 year old male. I met this girl (22) about a year and a half ago who was introduced to me as bisexual via her roommate who I was having a fling with. At the time, I didn’t have a romantic interest in her. We became best friends. BEST friends… as in I’ve never felt this close to a friend before, let alone a girl.

After reading the background I’m wondering what your opinion is on her sexuality.. and whether or not I should try making a move on her. I’m just worried about hurting our incredibly close relationship.

About 4 or 5 months ago I started wanting her as more than a friend.. and it has only built, big time, since then. Seriously. I am in looooooveee now.. and it’s most unfortunate given the circumstances obviously. She has a history of dating guys in high school.. and has made out with some in college (while she’s drunk, of course)… but she is clear to everyone now that she is a lesbian and not bisexual. The thing is.. rather than saying she has always been gay and it only took her until college to realize it (which is what I thought was generally the norm when people come out?).. she is convinced she WAS straight when she was dating guys. Dunno if that means anything.

So long story short.. I thought I was hopeless and I’d have to just wait until a straight girl who I was interested in came along. We’re so close that I told her that I have a serious crush on her and it didn’t really make things awkward or anything.. but she reassured me although she “loves me more than anything” she is gay and wasn’t interested in guys; and that she’d keep an eye on making sure she didn’t lead me on any more. But we hang out and talk almost every day. She’s met my family, I’ve met hers. We haven’t done anything beyond platonic other than mild cuddling/head-on-shoulder/tickling and stuff. We’ve drank together and she’s been a little extra flirty and held my hand too. I’ve remained platonic and haven’t come onto her though, other than jokingly. And she has texted me while drunk saying that she “wants me” haha. She has told me she has hung out with her ex BOYfriend recently and that they sometimes still kiss and stuff, but that it doesn’t mean anything to her. She has gotten jealous when I was with other girls. So… my point is I’m still CONFUSED. I’ve convinced myself that it’s not going to go anywhere but then she gives me a mixed signal. Do I lay down barriers and tell her to stop confusing me? Do I just continue as it is until I find someone else?

[Ask April Masini]

You have to take responsibility for your own life, and your own behavior, and instead of demanding that [i]she[/i] stop confusing you, you need to accept that if a woman tells you she’s a lesbian, she’s a lesbian. If you’re looking for a relationship that’s a traditional, monogamous, long-term relationship, then you should start out with someone who is very sure that they want to date someone like you. I don’t recommend befriending women, because I’ve always said that men and women can’t be friends. One person always wants more from the relationship than the other, and this creates chaos. So don’t befriend women. Don’t try to convince lesbians that they’re not lesbians. And focus on what you want in terms of a relationship and stick to your goals. 😉

Hope that helps.

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[Ethan Morales]

It’s important to acknowledge the situation clearly: she is in a long-term relationship, and despite the flirty behavior, she has not broken up with her boyfriend. This is a major factor you can’t ignore. No matter how close or compatible you feel with her, the fact that she is involved with someone else means that pursuing her romantically right now carries the risk of heartbreak, confusion, and ethical complications. Her behavior toward you the cuddling, one-on-one time, and “mixed signals” seems to stem from emotional uncertainty or dissatisfaction in her current relationship, not a clear intention to leave it for you.

Mixed signals are exactly that: mixed. Her attention and flirtation can feel encouraging, but they do not guarantee that she wants to transition into a romantic relationship with you. This is especially tricky because she is still emotionally attached to her boyfriend, has been dating him for years, and is navigating complex family and personal history with him. What she’s expressing to you may be more about emotional support or fantasy than a true intent to end her current relationship. You need to separate the way she makes you feel from the likelihood of a realistic romantic outcome.

You’ve been caught in a difficult emotional space: you genuinely like her, but you’re also trying to protect your friendship and navigate her complicated relationship status. April Masini’s advice is clear here you cannot convince someone to be with you if they are not ready or willing. Pursuing a romantic connection with someone who has explicitly stated they are not available, or who has declared a sexual orientation that excludes you, sets up inevitable frustration. You need to consider whether maintaining close friendship with her is sustainable for your emotional health.

Your instincts to confront or clarify are understandable, but in this scenario, boundaries are critical. You can’t force her to stop “confusing” you her behavior is her own, and you cannot control it. The healthiest move is to decide what you want and act accordingly: either step back and create some emotional distance to protect yourself, or pursue dating other women where your feelings can be reciprocated. Continuing to engage with her while hoping for a romantic outcome is likely to cause stress, disappointment, and resentment over time.

The dynamic of befriending women who are unavailable or uninterested romantically is inherently challenging. You’ve experienced this tension firsthand: deep emotional connection, flirty interaction, and unreciprocated romantic feelings. April Masini emphasizes that men and women cannot truly be “just friends” when one party wants more this is exactly what you’re experiencing. Accepting that truth can help you make a choice that prioritizes your emotional well-being instead of clinging to an uncertain possibility.

The actionable takeaway is to be honest with yourself about your limits and desires. You like her a lot, but the timing and circumstances make a romantic relationship unlikely. Protect your emotional energy by either stepping back, limiting your interactions, and focusing on other potential partners, or clarifying with her that your involvement must align with your needs meaning pursuing a relationship with someone who is actually available and interested. This clarity is the fastest way to stop confusion, reduce stress, and regain control over your own romantic life.

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