[Mr Man]

Hi there,

My girlfriend just broke up with me and I’m really shocked. We’ve been together for about 7 months and everything seemed perfect. It feels important to explain how we got together. It’s a semi-long distance relationship; we’re about 50 miles apart.

We were friends for about 6 months before anything romantic actually happened. She had a really nasty boyfriend who abused and even raped her when she was a virgin. To make matters worse, this ‘boyfriend’ was a friend of her traditional family who didn’t know that he was abusing her. Although she wanted to leave him, her family pressured her massively, making it very difficult for her to get away from him. She would confide in me and we spoke every day. Even though we were technically just friends at the time, there was always chemistry between us. Eventually, we kissed and after much encouragement from me she was brave enough to break the relationship off with her then boyfriend so we could be together properly. She understandably couldn’t tell her family about me, primarily for cultural reasons.

Our relationship was amazing. We trusted and still do trust each other implicitly. We were and still are best friends. Our relationship was very passionate, open, honest, understanding, comfortable and fun. Sometimes she would get upset because she was scared I would leave her, she said i was the man of her dreams. She genuinely thought I was out of her league. For some people, she might have seemed a bit needy, always calling/ texting me telling me how much she loved me (puke now if you like!) but I kind of liked it.

There were difficult times, she would get very depressed – I’m sure she is understandably traumatised by what her ex-boyfriend did to her. Things can be difficult for her at home, too. But she would always confide in me. Sometimes we’d be on the telephone at night and she wouldn’t say anything, she just wanted me to be on the phone so she felt like I was there.

Anyway, we speak of the phone every night without fail. We’ve been unable to meet for the past 2 months because we’re both students and we’re both skint, which we’ve both found very frustrating. Last night she seemed funny and we didn’t talk on the phone. She just called me up and broke up with me, completely out of the blue.

We’re both equally very confused. She explained that she loves me to death but ‘something is wrong’. She doesn’t know exactly what. She said that she had been thinking about her ex-boyfriend who abused her and at times felt like she missed him, although she said she hates him and would never get back together with him! HUH??? She doesn’t understand it either. She only had good things to say about me and I know she wasn’t just saying those things to make me feel better. I’ve changed her life, I’ve helped her and I know she does love me. It’s so strange; I’m really struggling to get my head around it. She said that very recently she’s thought about how she’d feel if she lost me or if I hurt her and she said she wouldn’t feel anything – quite a contrast from 5 days ago when she was agonisingly saying ‘I love you so much, I miss you so much it hurts’. I know it sounds weird, but she’s DEFINITELY not playing head games and she’s definitely completely honest with me. She ended the conversation with ‘I love you baby’.

PENNY FOR ALL YOUR THOUGHTS! Seriously, please offer some possible explanations and advice, this is driving me crazy. It isn’t like she’s saying ‘I thought I loved you, but I think it’s best if we’re just mates’ – I could accept that. She’s made it very clear that she loves me very much and she’s definitely not just saying that to make me feel better. I just don’t get it…

Thanks so much for any thoughts and advice, it’s deeply appreciated.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both? What are the cultural differences you mentioned that keep you apart?

[Mr Man]

[quote=”April Masini”]How old are you both? What are the cultural differences you mentioned that keep you apart?[/quote]

Hi there,

Thanks for your reply. She’s 19, I’m 25. She’s Persian, I’m white. The cultural problem is with her family and has never been an issue that damages our personal relationship. It might cause a bit of friction in the long run, say if we ever got married, but keeping our relationship a secret from her family has never bothered either of us that much. On the contrary to it being a stressful part of the relationship, we found it kind of fun keeping it a secret!

[Tango10]

[color=#4080FF]Hi…sounds to me like she’s very confused. And there are SO many factors contributing to it! And she’s only 19 on top of all that. I certainly didn’t have things figured out when I was 19 (in my 40s now). Could she be getting pressure from her family?….the previous boyfriend?….something else? People don’t change their minds that abruptly about someone, unless that someone has done something. So sounds like to me, it is coming from another source. I would give her some space…she will let you know if she still cares for you. Nothing can keep you apart if it’s really love, and on the other hand….always remember this in case you need it down the road…if it’s not right for one of you, then it’s just not right. And it shouldn’t be a guessing game. You cannot make someone love you, nor would you want to. That only means that someone would be settling for less than they truly deserve. Just give this some time. It’s very early, and she’s still giving you mixed signals…just keep your cool, keep your head, mostly just listen, and give it some space…time away always gives clarity. Wish you the very best 🙂 [/color]

[Mr Man]

[quote=”Tango10″][color=#4080FF]Hi…sounds to me like she’s very confused. [/color][/quote]

Hi there,

thanks for your thoughts. Well, she’s not getting pressure from the family regarding boyfriends or anything like that, but things aren’t easy for her at home. She gets a lot of stick from her mum and that has been upsetting her recently, which is possibly a contributing factor.

Her ex-boyfriend lives in Iran and he’s pretty much just left her alone now, so I don’t think he’s pressuring her. Although, she said that, at times, she’s been thinking about him and feels like she’s misses him – although she hates him and would never want to be with him. Is that normal??? It sounds like she’s still traumatised to me, which I think is understandable.

I agree with you, people don’t just change their mind about someone that much and that quickly unless something has happened between them. Certainly nothing bad has happened between us. We have minor arguments at times, but generally we have a mature relationship and communicate very well. She texted me last night when I was in bed saying ‘you’re the only real man I’ve ever known, I don’t regret anything’ with you’.

I know she still loves me, it’s just so strange.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your relationship has some built in problems. The first one is that she is only 19 and living with her family. I know that keeping a romance secret is exciting, but over the course of seven months, that excitement may wane, and the secrecy can become a burden. I know you don’t think there’s a problem, but I suspect the cultural differences are a problem for her since her family is such a big part of her life (she’s living with them). In addition, not seeing her for two months in a row because of the distance, finances and the fact that you’re both students, let the momentum drop off at a time when you haven’t really been dating that long given the distance and frequency of dates.

My advice is to let go. You may have had some fun times with her, but she’s ultimately not ready to be in the kind of relationship you are. If you find someone who’s closer to your home so the distance isn’t an issue, things will be easier.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Mr Man]

[quote=”April Masini”]
My advice is to let go.[/quote]

Hi April,

Thanks so much for your thoughts and advice, I really appreciate it.

I don’t think I’m ready to let go just yet. It would be different if I had wronged her in a way that she couldn’t forgive or if she simply didn’t love me, but she’s clearly in an erratic state at the moment. One night she’s wholeheartedly telling me how much she loves, misses and wants to marry me, and two nights later is breaking up with me while saying she still loves me. This time last week she was saying things like ‘please don’t leave me, I can’t lose you’. It just doesn’t make sense, to her just as much as me. I must admit, I almost feel confident she can’t live without me and won’t let me slip away; do you think I’m being silly or blind for thinking this?

Regarding family/ culture: Again, this time last week she was saying that she can’t wait to introduce me to her family, ‘my mum will love you!’. Yes, we’re being secretive about our relationship at the moment, but she was always fairly confident that her family would accept, approve and like me when introduced to them under the right circumstances. And again, I’m sure the family/ culture issue isn’t a conscious reason for breaking up with me- if it was, she’d have definitely told me.

It’s interesting what you said about us not seeing each other for the past few months. I have to admit, I think if we had met up last week, even for just a day out, we wouldn’t be where we are now.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re not ready to break up with her.

My advice remains to let go because her erratic behavior isn’t the kind of behavior you should want in a girlfriend and the secretive nature of the relationship doesn’t bode well for the future.

That said, I trust that things will run the course they’re supposed to. Let me know how things go — and good luck! 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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