[oshkosh]

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We are both in our early 20s and go to college. She recently told me that she had made a promise back in high school that she had forgot about to another guy and the guy was asking for that promise. I guess the promise was that she said she would have sex with him and take his virginity from him if he was still a virgin by 21. My GF always keeps a promise… She said she wants to take a break for a night. She said she just wants to get it over with, but the guy says he wants to hang out as well and not just have sex because that’s just awkward… She says she likes me because i give her “freedom” and i don’t restrict her from doing anything, which is true. I hardly get mad at her, only sometimes. My thing is, and i have told her many times is that i am not going to restrict or tell anyone what to do, they have a brain, and they should be able to decide for themselves whats right and whats wrong. I also want to mention that we had a talk about Breaks a few months ago and agreed that breaks are only for people who want to have sex with someone else and not consider that cheating… What do i do. I feel really betrayed and furious, and at the same time im not going to tell her what to do. She has to make up her mind and be responsible for her actions.

I don’t know if this info comes to any use but she sometimes tells me: that i deserve better, that she doesn’t know what she would do if we broke up, and that she isn’t good with relationships.

[bmarez]

Honestly dude- I can see it both ways… I offered my now husband to take a two week break so that he could be sure he wanted to be with me- he didn’t take it though because he knew that if he slept with someone else it would still have repercussions on our relationship- permission or not. My best advice would be to follow your gut. If you are not comfortable with this arrangement, say so… how awkard is it to just have sex with someone to take their virginity anyway? is there any attraction there??? Weird.

[oshkosh]

Its kind of funny because she told me she took one of her gay friends virginity away. She said it was Pity Sex. I really like her but this makes me question if its worth it.

[bmarez]

That is really weird. Sex shouldn’t be about taking people’s virginities or doing them favors… its supposed to be about love and attraction. Making promises to sleep with people and feeling obligated to fulfill them is messed up.

[kitkat620]

pity sex! gay sex! virginity sex! wtf! seems to me she’s just making excuses to have sex.
makes you wonder what other excuses will come up in the future.
can you live with the fact of her having sex with someone else? (because, after all, she [u]always[/u] keeps her promises…) if so, end of discussion. if not, tell her. if she still insists on doing it, dump her and find someone else. i personally couldn’t agree to it with someone i care about. and it would definitely make me question my relationship and what kind of person i am involved with.
things just seem very odd to me, or you are just very naive.

[oshkosh]

That’s what i am saying.. Well she was sort of talking to that gay friend of hers before she took his virginity, but i still think that’s kind of weird. With that said, she says it may not happen because this guy is known for flaking last minute. She tells me this stuff and then acts like nothing happens. lol. I was talking to her last night and we just told one another about how are day went and that was pretty much it for half an hour. I don’t know if i should have a talk with her about it or if i should just cut my loses and brake up. I really do like her though. I don’t think you can have sex with someone without having some feelings for that person.

[kitkat620]

i may be wrong, but your attitude from your posts seems kind of nonchalant.like whatever she decides to do you’re ok with. you must be a very laid back person.
if it were me and my partner presented me with the situation you were presented with i would’ve hit the roof. the only reason i wouldn’t get too upset with it is if i really didn’t care enough to get upset. is that the case with you? do you feel this girl is just a stepping stone of all future relationships you might have until you find miss right?
at this point, i am just curious to what you feel. i hope i am not overstepping my bounds with questioning you and i am by no means trying to belittle your relationship or your feelings.

[Ask April Masini]

Your girlfriend’s behavior is predatory. 😕 She’s not just having sex. She’s [i]“taking” things[/i] from people. “Taking” someone’s virginity implies that they are a victim. There isn’t a mutual exchange — there’s an inequity. 😳 Sex can be an expression of many things including, love, romance, intimacy, and also conquest, violence and revenge. Sex can feel like it’s nourishing and enriching, liberating and spiritual, but it can also be a way for people to express their darker sides. Your girlfriend has one.

It sounds like you’re getting to know a side of her you weren’t so clear on before. If she is the type of person who takes things from people, you’ve got to wonder how you fit into the dynamic. 😕

[b]Kitkat620[/b] asked a good question when she asked why you’re so nonchalant about her cheating on you. In fact, you seem to be enabling her predatory behavior by saying “She always keeps her promises,” as if that forgives her cheating on you! 😕

I think you’re relatively new to relationships, but I hope that you will learn to expect more from women in your life. When you commit to them you should expect the same kind of behavior from them that you would exhibit. In other words, you should look for [i]compatibility. [/i]

If you have any inkling that she’s not the one because of this part of her personality, my advice is to follow that line of reasoning. I promise you can find a woman who wants to be loyal to you because you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread, and who leaves other people’s virginity out of her relationship with you.

I hope that helps. If you like it, you can follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Ethan Morales]

First off, that “promise” she’s using as an excuse? That’s not loyalty, that’s moral gymnastics. The idea that she has to go through with sleeping with someone because of a years-old teenage joke or “promise” is ridiculous. Real adults break dumb promises when they realize they hurt people. This isn’t about integrity it’s about justification. She’s trying to dress up a selfish impulse as principle.

April’s right calling this out as predatory not because she’s a monster, but because the framing is messed up. “Taking someone’s virginity” isn’t a loving or mature concept; it’s transactional. It’s ego-driven. When someone treats sex like a power move or a favor owed, that’s not about intimacy it’s about control.

You’ve got to stop confusing your open-mindedness with weakness. Being chill doesn’t mean being walked over. You can respect her autonomy and still say, “If you do this, I’m done.” That’s not controlling that’s self-respect. Freedom works both ways: she’s free to act however she wants, and you’re free to walk when her choices cross your boundaries.

The lines she drops “you deserve better,” “I’m bad at relationships,” “I don’t know what I’d do if we broke up” those are soft confessionals. They’re ways of bracing you for the fact that she knows she’s not treating you right. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. She’s not confused; she’s hoping your patience will let her get away with things most people wouldn’t tolerate.

You sound like a genuinely good guy thoughtful, principled, patient. But right now you’re trying to be fair in a situation that’s fundamentally unfair. Relationships need reciprocity. She’s putting you in an emotional chokehold: if you protest, you’re “restricting her”; if you don’t, you’re complicit. That’s a trap.

Don’t wait for her to decide. You already know what’s right. She’s made it clear where her priorities lie with thrill, guilt, and bad logic. You can either stick around and get hurt or cut your losses and make space for someone who values loyalty and emotional safety the way you do. You’re not crazy for being furious. You’d be crazy not to be.

[Tara]

She’s lining up another man and wants you to bless the affair so she can wash her hands of the guilt. That childhood “promise” she’s clinging to is nothing but a convenient fairytale she’s weaponizing to justify doing what she already decided to do. Adults don’t resurrect teenage pacts unless they’re looking for a moral smokescreen. She’s not honoring anything she’s hiding behind it.

And you’re enabling her because you’re terrified to be the one who finally says “no.” Your whole “I don’t restrict anyone” mantra isn’t enlightened, it’s pathetic. It’s the shield you hide behind so you don’t have to confront the fact that she’s disrespecting you in broad daylight. She’s not asking for freedom she’s asking for permission to betray you without the label. And you’re bending over backwards trying to act calm while your gut is already screaming the truth.

Her “I’m not good at relationships,” “I don’t deserve you,” “I don’t know what I’d do if we broke up” lines aren’t vulnerability. They’re exit speeches disguised as insecurities. She’s stacking excuses like sandbags so when she finally sleeps with this guy, she can cry about how she was “spiraling” and you’ll swallow it because she prepped you for it.

You feel betrayed because she’s already betraying you. You feel sick because you know exactly what she’s doing and you’re too scared to call it cheating before it happens. You’re clinging to the technicality she hasn’t done it yet as if that makes you any less of a backup she’s parking on standby while she chases someone else.
Stop pretending this situation requires philosophical analysis. It doesn’t.

She wants another man, and she wants you to nod along so she can come back later and claim it “wasn’t cheating” because you two were “on a break.” She’s not confused she’s calculating. And the only one being played is you.

So here’s the actual decision: either you walk away now with your self-respect intact, or you stay and watch her sleep with someone else while you convince yourself it’s somehow your fault. Those are your options. And the longer you hesitate, the more obvious it becomes that she doesn’t even need to leave you you’re already abandoning yourself for her.

[Sally]

This would tear anyone up. You’re not overreacting, and you’re not being controlling for feeling sick about it. This isn’t some cute little promise from high school. This is your girlfriend asking to step out of the relationship so she can sleep with another guy and trying to frame it like she’s just being “honorable.”

I’ll be real with you. When someone wants a “break for a night,” they’re not thinking about your feelings. They’re looking for a loophole. And the stuff she says that you deserve better, that she’s bad at relationships people say that when they already know they’re about to hurt you.

You don’t have to restrict her. You also don’t have to stay with someone who’s making you feel replaceable. Let her do whatever she thinks is right… and you get to decide if you want a relationship that asks this of you.

[Natalie Noah]

The whirlwind of emotions you’re going through, betrayal, anger, confusion, and hurt all rolled into one I want to acknowledge that your feelings are completely valid. This isn’t just about a promise from high school. this is about a situation that directly affects your trust, your relationship, and your emotional well-being. Even if she frames it as “just a promise” or “taking a break,” the reality is that what she’s proposing crosses a boundary in your relationship. The fact that she’s willing to consider acting on this promise, even with your awareness, signals a misalignment in values and priorities.

Her reasoning that she “likes your freedom” is concerning in this context. Freedom in a relationship should mean the ability to grow and express yourself, but it shouldn’t excuse behavior that hurts or undermines the bond you share. You’ve already communicated your boundaries about breaks and sex outside the relationship, and her wanting to revisit this high school promise disregards the agreement and mutual respect you’ve both previously set. It’s not just a one-time lapse. it’s a sign that she might not fully value the commitment she has with you right now.

The deeper issue here is about character and compatibility. April Masini’s point about predatory behavior is worth considering the idea of “taking someone’s virginity” is framed as conquest, not intimacy. That’s a red flag. You deserve a partner who respects you, your relationship, and the exclusivity you both agreed upon. If she’s entertaining actions that feel like they hurt you or violate the trust you share, it’s not about controlling her; it’s about recognizing whether her actions align with your values and emotional needs.

This is a boundary moment. You don’t have to dictate her choices, but you do need to make clear to yourself what you will and will not tolerate. Staying in a relationship where someone is willing to act in ways that betray your trust even in the name of keeping a “promise” can erode your sense of worth and emotional security over time. It’s okay to step back, evaluate whether this relationship truly serves you, and protect yourself from unnecessary pain. You deserve loyalty, love, and a partner whose actions consistently reinforce the commitment you’ve both agreed to.

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