[philusaf]

I met this girl about a year and a half ago….got to be pretty good friends after a few months and grew quite close over the last 6 months. Most of the time I’ve seen her the past few months is at the bar she works at and she’s always just as excited to see me as I am to see her…her face lights up…huge smile….comes over and gives me a big hug…and even while working, she’s always found time to spend some extra time with me…she’s even frequently given me free drinks (totally her idea, too).
Midway through the summer we decided to get lunch together since holding a real conversation at the bar wasn’t always easy and when it finally happened, it went great…nice and relaxed…neither one of us felt any pressure since we were just out as friends. Thing is, I’ve been falling for her…I’ve still been telling her “just friends” because I don’t wanna risk our friendship on something that might not work out.
For the longest time it stayed like this…exchanged texts frequently and we always get excited to see one another. 3 weeks ago though, her mother visited from out of town and she grew distant…I haven’t seen her since…she said she’s got a lot going on and is pretty stressed…also said she misses me but doesn’t seem to be ready to see me. She said things will be better soon. Most of the rest of her life, from what little I can tell, remains mostly unchanged. She and I are 15 years apart in age…I just turned 40..she turns 25 in 2 months. We had been able to talk about most anything before this and now she can’t open up about this. I’m giving her time to sort whatever it is out but I’m missing her more and more each day and it’s getting harder to handle.
I’m pretty sure whatever it is involves her mother’s visit and involves me in some way. Giving her time…is that all I can do? I’ve told her that if there was anything I could do to help to just ask.

[MandaMaggotx]

2 things it could be; you told her just friends so she may have feelings for you but is afraid to act on them because she thinks you are only interested as a friend.
The other thing is, it may most defiantely have something to do with her mother’s visit. She probably told her about you and mentioned your age and her mother probably got upset. There may also be the possibility of some family problems that she isnt comfortable discussing.

All i can tell you is, if you really are as interested in this girl as you say, then wait.If she doesnt come arojnd soon though…. I’d guess she has met someone else or just really isnt interested. So don’t wait around too long, ok?

[Ask April Masini]

[b]mandamaggotz [/b]has a good instinct — her mother is probably not happy about you hanging around without any clear intentions and a noticeable age difference. 😕 I’m not sure why you haven’t asked her out on a date in six months. 😮 It seems that you’re in the friend zone, and unless you risk upping the ante, you’re going to stay there.

My advice is to ask her out on a date. It’s what you want to do, but are afraid to! 😉

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[philusaf]

The big thing I’ve been afraid of, as far as why I haven’t been more aggressive in asking her out, is pushing too hard and losing her as a friend. There are other women I’ve been friends with in the past that I had wanted to date and I think I pushed too hard with them. I’m still good friends with one of them but for a while, it was really rough. With the other, our friendship was probably damaged beyond repair. I don’t want that to happen with this girl who, over the past several months, has made me feel more alive than I ever have, I think. If all we ever are is friends, I can live with it…but this distance between us right now is getting to be too much to bear…it’s hard to sleep these days and even though she said things will be better soon, there’s a part of me that wonders if she said that to make me feel better…it worked for a few hours.

[Ask April Masini]

I never recommend being friends with a woman you’ve dated or want to date. The friend zone isn’t a good place to be because it’s confusing, for starters. You’re smack dab in the middle of that confusion whether you realize it or not. You’re a friend who wants to be more than a friend but who is afraid to be more than a friend because you think you’ll lose the friendship you’re already losing! 😮 Confused yet? You should be. If you’re a guy who wants to date a woman and gets a yes or a no, both of your lives are very clear. When you start playing both sides of the fence, you’re confusing her, you’re confusing yourself and you rarely win what you want.

Dating is about taking risks in life and if you don’t take risks, you’ll never win the big prize (that great Ms. Right!). Staying on the sidelines means you’ll remain friends if you’re lucky — and you’ll get to watch her date other guys, because you’re her friend, if you’re not lucky.

She’s probably not that interested in you as a friend, which is why she’s distancing herself from you. Real friends don’t distance themselves with each other, so I think your shot at friendship with her is fleeting. My advice is to ask her out on a date and find out what’s really going on here. Yes, you may lose her friendship, but you’ll know if she’s someone who wants to date you or not — and then you can either pursue a relationship with her or find someone who’s truly interested in you! 😉

Let me know how it goes. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[philusaf]

well, we started off as friends…it wasn’t until the last few months that I got to thinking I’d like more. She’s going through a rough patch of some sort that she’s not up to talking to me about just yet and ending the friendship in hopes that we can start over as something more isn’t something I can do.
As far as pursuing someone else, that wouldn’t be an option even if I didn’t have feelings for her…I had given up on dating years ago…developing feelings for this girl took me by surprise…I wasn’t hoping to meet someone…she just blew me away and stole my heart.

[philusaf]

She had told me things would be better soon late last week…part of me wonders how she knows that…or if she’s just saying it to make me feel better? Before all this happened, she was just as excited to see me as I was to see her…starting to think maybe she was feeling something stronger for me and her mom told her to put some space between us to see if she still feels that way after a period of time, given our age difference…and maybe to see if after that time, if I would show that I wanted more

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you’ve painted yourself into a corner since you don’t want to end the friendship and you don’t want to ask her out and you don’t want to date anyone else.

I wish I could help you, but you’re going to stay in the spot you’re in unless you decide to change your own behavior. 😳

[philusaf]

Actually, I would like to see it develop into a relationship…but I had a habit of pushing too hard with other friends that I had an interest in dating…took a while to restore the friendship with the one woman…but the other is pretty much beyond repair. I don’t want that to happen with this girl…if it develops into a relationship, I’d be ecstatic…she makes me feel more alive than I ever have…but on that, I don’t wanna paint myself into a corner and be despondent if it doesn’t turn into a relationship.
I’m reminded of a “Saved By The Bell” episode after Kelly and Zach had broken up…it took him acting like a jerk to realize it but as he told her “I’d rather have you as a friend than not at all”…and that’s how I feel about her

[Ask April Masini]

With all due respect, Saved By The Bell is a situation comedy that’s been canceled. 😕

My suggestion is that you read Date Out of Your League, a book I wrote for men who want to win with women. Here’s the link where you can buy it: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. It will help you get out of your rut.

It doesn’t sound like she wants to be friends with you, and you are stuck right now because of your fears of ruining a friendship.

[philusaf]

lol….I know it was cancelled…they graduated…it was a reference point is all
As far as her not wanting to be friends with me, I’m not sure what you mean…do you mean it sounds like she wants more?
A few days before she grew distant, I got a job offer….part-time doing what I love….and a potential stepping stone towards something full-time….and in the city…where I’d be closer to her. She was the 1st person I told about it…and she seemed even more excited about it than I was. Well, there were some paperwork delays as I’m the 1st new hire with the company after a takeover and I just got the news yesterday that the paperwork was all in..I texted her about it and she seemed pretty excited about it. She couldn’t do anything as far as dinner last night or anything but I told her I’d probably stop by the bar after I picked up my paperwork today for a bit. Even though we probably wouldn’t be able to talk much, even a little bit was pretty good.
I know I hold some place in her heart…part of me wonders if there can be something more and if today goes well and we can get together soon for lunch or dinner, I’m hoping to make things closer between us…whether it makes us better friends or more than friends…I guess we’ll have to see

[philusaf]

stopped by the bar today after getting my paperwork done…back to the usual treatment…big smile, big hugs…she opened up to me about some of what was going on….I’m sure there’s more but it was getting busy in the bar and it would be tough to talk too much in depth in there, anyway…hopefully she and I will be able to get together for lunch/dinner next weekend

[Ask April Masini]

I really hope you’ll take my advice and buy and read Date Out of Your League: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. 😀

[philusaf]

lol…already got it…didn’t answer my question, though…lol..do you think it sounds like she might want more?
There’ve been times I thought she might be hinting that she did…but my history has made it hard to believe that…plus…I’m 15 years older than her…not making a lot…only in average shape….she’s drop dead gorgeous…only thing I have in my favor is how well we get along…well enough that she opens up to me more than she does most of her friends and allows herself to be more vulnerable with me

[Ask April Masini]

I’ve answered your questions here, and I’ve recommended you buy and read Date Out of Your League [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url], the book I wrote for men who want to win with women. I read in your last post that you said you bought the book, and you want me to answer more questions for you, but I can tell from your posts that you haven’t read it. And if you have, you need to read it more carefully. It’s a very good book that will help you with women. You’re stuck and you need to get out of your rut. I’m more than happy to give free advice, but I’ve exhausted what I can tell you on this subject on this forum. You’re free not to take the advice — but it’s very clear to me, that at your age of 40, you really need to read this book — maybe twice. It will help you a lot more than I can here.

Good luck! 😉

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