[crazyinlove2423]

So, I have met this wonderful girl that I am just crazy in love with! We have been together a little over 5 months, but sometimes some of her past issues bother me. One of the biggest ones is this male best friend that she has and she revealed to me that they have slept together a few times “just for fun.” She said she never had feelings for him, and he never did for her. I guess they have talked about this before. She claims they haven’t done anything like this for 2 years, but they are still really close friends. She also told me they never slept together while either of them were in a committed relationship.

My question is if this is a big deal or not. At first it didn’t bother me, but as I started to develop feelings for her I really started to dislike it a lot. I guess I just have a hard time with it, because she still hangs out with him. She assures me she loves me and will never hang out with him alone, but it stil bothers me. Am I right to be concerned?

She has slept with other guys who were friends (2), but she never really sees any of these guys anyway anymore.

I want to let all of this go and not be worried about it, but should I?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You definitely have cause for concern. I never believe men and women can be friends without complications occurring. I don’t think it’s wise for them to go out one on one — especially if they have boyfriends/girlfriends or spouses, and especially because they’ve slept together. Sex changes things. It creates an intimacy and unless both people have really, truly moved on — which is hard to judge if they’re both single — it’s a potentially messy emotional palate. If you’re her boyfriend, you want her to be all yours, but if she’s buddy buddy with a guy she’s slept with, and hanging out with him, it’s going to make you feel like you’re in a power play with him.

If she wants to keep him as a friend, the appropriate meeting with him includes you, and some other friends at the same time. The “just for fun” caveat on her explanation of sleeping with him seems to be a warning to you that “just for fun” she’ll have sex with someone that is meaningless. And then you’ve got to wonder if she’s having “sex just for fun” with you, too. I don’t know how old either of you are but she sounds like she’s young and perhaps not quite ready for a commitment. If she is, she’ll act like it.

Decide what you want from this relationship and if she’s someone who can give you what you want, or if you’d do better looking elsewhere.

[crazyinlove2423]

Well she is 28 actually – maybe she is just emotionally immature?

She says that she has never loved anyone the way she loves me and that she would never do anything to hurt me.

Also, in her defense she did tell me about all of this, when she could have just kept it from me. She told me that she told me so I wouldn’t ever find out through some other avenue and be upset with her. I appreciate her openness and honesty, but yeah sometimes it is still weird when we hang out with him. He is moving here in the next few months, so hopefully it will just become a non-issue.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Make sure she knows how you feel about this guy without turning it into something super dramatic. 28 years old is still young enough to not understand that if she’s serious about you, she has to put you first. Hopefully, she’ll figure that out and want to do so.

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