[Anonymous]

Hi Everyone,

This is the first time I’ve used a forum but I am in need of a nuetral party to help me in a troubled situation.

Currently I am in a relationship with a girl I view as the love of my life. She makes me so very happy and I’ve been approaching the topic of marriage once we get settled into our own place. We have been together for 7 months and spend a large majority of our time togehter. We try to divide our time up between just the 2 of us and then we include her daughter as well so she can get to know me and like me. But as for the reason I am looking for advice it is as follow:

She has been in an on and off again relationship with her Ex-boyfriend for around 10 years. She’s 24 and he’s 28, he is not the father of her daughter but has been with her since the daughter was 4 weeks old. He is looked at as the father figure and all that comes with that. I realize that I cannot take that away from him and I am not looking to do that, I am looking to build a life long relationship with my girlfriend and build a loving relationship with her daughter. When she and I started dating it was on rough terms, they were just finishing there relationship. We had known each other for 3.5 months and had been hanging out and spending a lot of time together. Once she finally ended it with her then BF we were finally able to tell each other truly how we feel for one another. Apparently we both felt the same type of love but didnt know the other one was on the same page. So we have been dating since then but the ex is not out of the picture. With them having such a long friendship/relationship he is viewed not only as her daughters daddy but as her best friend. I am not in any way trying to take the father daughter relationship away but I am trying to justify my feelings about my GF not spending as much time with the ex as she does. I have to divide my time with her so she can spend time with her daughter and the Ex. Because the Ex will not spend time with just the girl. Which i find to be rather weird.

On top of her spending time with the ex, her family constantly yells at her and tells her she needs to leave me to go back to the Ex. This is troubling because shes torn between loosing her family and loosing me. Her mother threatens her that she wont have a mother to come back to if she stays with me. She comes back that her mother doesnt want her to be happy and that she is 24 and can make her life choices. This is a constant battle between her and her parents.

I am not allowed at her parents house which is where she lives. But the ex is allowed over at any time, randomly shows up at midnight when he is done with work and then spends time hanging out or tries to wake her up to hang out and talk. I feel as though she should not allow this to happen because they are not together any more and she knows that it bothers me. I can understand when he comes over during the day or evening to spend time with the daughter but when he randomly stops by to see her late at night it really bothers me. She does not seem to take my feelings into perspective here as she always responds with he is my best friend and were just hanging out.

There is much more to our situation but I am just looking for a little advice and if needed I can supply more information or answer any quesitons. Please help as I am torn between staying with the woman I feel is the love of my life or leaving her because of her relationship with her ex.

Thank you,

Confused1985

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure how old you are, but it’s time for you to understand that your girlfriend is involved with another man. You’re doing everything you can to blame her, blame him, blame her family — and granted, they are all encouraging the relationship that she has with him — but you’re not looking at this realistically. She is not ready to be in a relationship with you because she’s committed to her ex-boyfriend and she’s made a family with him that her mother and her mother’s family is encouraging and welcoming. This isn’t someone who is available to you. You can demand, you can beg, you can moralize, you can justify — but at the end of the day you said it yourself: she’s not valuing your feelings or her relationship with you.

Put the engagement ring back in your pocket and save it for someone who wants to be [i]all [/i]yours.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. And follow me @AskAprilcom (no dot!), and on Facebook here: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

Thanks April.

My next question would be that if I dont want to walk away is there anyway to address this issue with her? To make my feelings known without causing a fight or a breakup. I know I will have a serious problem just walking away. I’m head over heels for this girl and am in pieces over what is going on. I feel that when I ask her to spend time with me I am taking her away from her daughter but then he shows up at her parents place and they then hangout there. I am unable to go there as I stated previously but she insists that i have nothing to worry about and that she loves me. I put A LOT of myself into what we are and just have gotten to the point that I am between breaking down or being totally in love and happy.

Also I am 25 years old.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve got two big problems. The first problem is that she lives with her parents and she won’t let you come over to their home because they don’t like you. She’s not a teenager. She’s an adult, so this is her choice.[i]I don’t see that there’s anything you can do about this problem since you’ve already broached it with her, and she continues the status quo, brushing you off with a comment about your not having anything to worry about because she loves you. She’s put your feelings on the back burner. [/i]

The second problem is that she’s spending family time with her ex-boyfriend who is a father figure and son in law figure to her daughter and family. He’s obviously still in love with her. She’s not ready to let go of him. She’s an adult, and if you’ve told her that this is not what you want for your future with her and her daughter, and she continues to behave this way, you can’t change her….You can only change (wait for it….) YOU!

I know you asked if you could address this issue with her without “causing a fight or a break up”, and the answer is no. You’re letting her walk all over you and she’s going to continue to do so unless she knows you’re serious, and unless you’re willing to say that you want a woman who makes you her one and only man, you’re going to continue to be her doormat.

I’m sorry that this isn’t going the way you want it to, but it’s time for you to let her know you’re serious about finding Ms. Right and if she’s not that woman, you need to find the one who is.

[Member]

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