[tsadah]

Hi,

I am a 28 year old male with a 25 year old girlfriend. We have been in a long distance relationship for 10 months now. It has gone as well as any long distance relationship can, but recently we have been having a big argument that neither of us seems to be able to give ground on. We would really appreciate some advice!
Brief background: I have spent the last 5 years of my life working and travelling overseas – that’s how I met my girlfriend. Recently in conversation it came up that there are still a few photos containing girls from past relationships in them on my computer in my travel photos, as well as some mentions of them in my travel diary. My girlfriend isn’t happy about this and has said she cannot continue unless I:

1 – Delete [u]all[/u] photos containing ex-girlfriends, even if they happen to be in a photo with a large group of friends.
2 – Throw away my travel diary and anything else that mentions past girlfriends
3 – I have considered one day writing a book for personal use about my 5 years of travelling. She says I can not mention any of those girls in such a book whatsoever. (I made an attempt of compromise here, pledging to mention them but not in any great detail. She didn’t like the offer)

So we seem to be stuck. I just cannot agree to these things, especially to throwing away a diary which went everywhere with me when travelling and contains so much that is meaningful to me, especially my first moments with my current girlfriend! I think she is grossly overstepping her boundaries. She thinks part of me is stuck in the past and I can’t be 100 % focused on the future unless I agree to do the above 3 things. I simply say it’s a part of my history and I can’t throw it away. I have no feelings whatsoever for any of those past girls and don’t even have contact with them any more, but this isn’t enough apparently. I do try and respect her feelings on things like this; at the start of our relationship I promised I wouldn’t discuss past girlfriends with her for example. But I don’t think my personal diary about the past should be of concern to her. She says I am choosing my diary over her, but I just don’t think I should be choosing between the two at all.

Am I wrong? What are your opinions as to what my girlfriend is doing? And what should I do next?

Please help! Thanks!

[Taven03]

This is tricky… I would delete all photos of your ex’s as long as it is not a group photo. As for the diary… I think your girlfriend is way too insecure. She is scared of you ex’s. Which makes sense but you should not have to delete you past to make her happy. You needed a way to comfort her without getting rid of some precious memories.
Good luck!

[tsadah]

Thanks for the reply. We have talked so much about this and I have tried to reassure her, but every discussion just degenerates into her saying that I care more about pieces of paper than her and that I’m stuck in the past. I’m not averse deleting certain photos of ex girlfriends either, but her reasons bother me. A blanket ban is just so unreasonable in my opinion. Her thoughts on these issues make me worry about what might be next in future.

Would still like to hear some more opinions!

[Taven03]

I know I am not April. But my advice is to avoid talking about you exs. Do your best to reassure her that you are only interested in her. If that doesn’t work. I hate to say it but she might be to insecure to be in a relationship right now. As far as being stuck in the past… Is there any other reason besides the photos to make your girlfriend believe you are living in the past? Try to prevent the spiral into non logical things. Keep this issue out of her mind until she feels more secure. Then talk about again.

[tsadah]

Thanks. I do avoid talking about them. She requested that at the start and I respected that and complied completely. I have also tried to reassure her but she just doesn’t accept it. There is no reason at all for her to think I am still stuck in the past. In fact I asked her if the diary and photo episode hadn’t happened would she have any reason in 10 months to think I was not 100% committed to her, and she said no. Unfortunately she is quite emotional and she tends to very illogical and unreasonable when she gets like this. I really can’t see a way out of this lock unless she has a big change of opinion, but even then it seems to be a symptom of a deeper issue that might cause more problems down the road.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When people try and control your life, it’s because they’re afraid of what will happen if they don’t. She’s afraid of losing you to another woman, so she’s reacting to that fear by trying to create an environment without risk. As you know, this is impossible, and her attempts are just annoying you. They’re also the tip of the iceberg. When someone starts out like this, expect more — exponentially. I mean, even if you did what she asked, chances are, she’s still going to be on the lookout for other worries, and those will be addressed with new demands. In other words, this is a problem that isn’t going to go away without really looking at the root of what’s going on. When she started the relationship with a rule that you were not allowed to discuss past girlfriends, that was your clue that there was a problem. Our pasts are important because they inform our present and our future, and she can learn a lot about your by learning about your past, just as you can about her, as well.

I do think that your girlfriend is asking too much — but more importantly, I think she’s shortchanging herself. If a woman doesn’t control a man, but instead watches and sees what he does, what he values, where he spends his energy — she can have a much better idea about how he feels about her. When she tries to control him, she robs herself of a fair reading of the relationship.

[tsadah]

Thanks April.

I think you are spot on with your assessment, unfortunately. She of course denies any insecurity, jealousy, worry, desire to control etc. I think she believes it too. It’s pretty hard to convince someone in denial.
As for the clue at the start of the relationship, I also agreed that it was a bit much, but agreed as everything else seemed to be great and I thought I could accept this one request. Unfortunately over time more issues have revealed themselves.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome!

[Natalie Noah]

Your girlfriend’s demands and your own sense of personal history you feel. On the surface, her requests might seem protective or about emotional safety, but they’re crossing into control. Asking you to delete all past photos, destroy your diary, and censor your travel memories is asking you to erase parts of yourself not just your past relationships, but meaningful experiences, milestones, and memories that have shaped you. The fact that you have no lingering feelings for your exes and have respected her wishes about not discussing them shows your commitment. This isn’t about loyalty; it’s about boundaries and respecting each other’s autonomy.

What stands out is that her request is less about your past and more about her need to feel secure. When she asks you to remove or destroy these items, it’s not really about the photos or diar. it’s about controlling what she perceives as potential threats to your relationship. And while her fear may feel genuine to her, it’s manifesting in unreasonable demands. You’ve already compromised by agreeing to avoid discussing past relationships, which shows that you’re willing to prioritize her emotional comfort, but erasing your history altogether is a step too far. That’s not a sign of being “stuck in the past”; it’s a healthy attachment to your life experiences.

Another critical point is the pattern here. Early in the relationship, she set a boundary that limited discussion of ex-girlfriends. That should have been a red flag not because it’s unreasonable to request sensitivity around past relationships, but because it signals a need for control rather than trust. Now, her demands are escalating, and even your attempts at compromise such as mentioning ex-girlfriends minimally in a travel book are rejected. This shows a pattern of needing to dominate or micromanage your choices, which can lead to repeated conflicts and deeper dissatisfaction over time. A healthy relationship should allow both partners to honor their histories while building a future together.

My perspective is that you are not wrong for valuing your past and refusing to erase it. She may need to address her insecurities or fear of loss through self-reflection or counseling, rather than controlling you. The most important next step is a calm and clear conversation about boundaries: what is acceptable in a relationship and what crosses the line. If she cannot respect your autonomy, this is a sign of a potential mismatch in the long-term. You have every right to expect a partner who trusts and values you, rather than one who tries to rewrite your personal history to feel secure.

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