[wolfgazer79]

While my girlfriend and I make love she fantasizes other men and she confessed to me the other day that she almost calles out another guy’s name while making love. My problem with this is that I feel as if I cannot please since she uses these fantasies to enjoy sex with me and also to become aroused before we make love. It’s as if she disconnects herself from me and puts herself in another place with these other guys. I confronted her about this and told her exactly how I feel but she keeps making up excuses to keep fantasizing. I understand that fantasies occur but I don’t understand why she has to fantasize while making love to me. Can you please give me some advice. I thought about not making love to her until she stops having these fantasies since I cannot enjoy myself while we do it. Please help.

[Ask April Masini]

I think your girlfriend is trying (not very gracefully) to tell you that the sex isn’t as good as she’d like it to be. The fact that she’s actually telling you what some women wouldn’t is her way of reaching out and trying to let you know she isn’t being satisfied the way she’d like to.

Instead of demanding she stop fantasizing other men, 🙄 why don’t you try stepping up your game, and make the sex the best she’s ever had, so that she can’t possibly attribute it to any other man but you? 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: . 😀

[wolfgazer79]

Thank you for the advice I will do this. That’s what I thought the problem was. I will let you know how it all works out.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re welcome — and good luck! I’m glad I was able to help. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: 🙂

[wolfgazer79]

I tried to up my game in the bed but I found out this thing goes deeper than that. She says that she loves the sex between her and I and it cannot get better. Today while we were lying down in bed together I heard her make kissing sounds while lying next to her. When I confront her about it all she says is that she loves me and not to worry about it because it’s all in her head and that she thinks on me as well as these other guys. I just don’t understand what to do about this. She says that she’s had these fantasies before I was a part of her life and she has no intention of getting rid of them. It hurts when a guy walks into the bedroom and she’s lying there petting a pillow and holding the pillow with the same affection she holds me and caresses me. Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing, I don’t know. One of the guys she fantasizes is the actor Larenz Tate and the other guy is some dude she knew from the past. About a month ago she saw him in the mall while we were there and started talking to him which I don’t have a problem with as long as it’s an innocent conversation. But when you find out she fantasizes about this dude that takes it to a whole nother level in my opinion. Maybe you can help me sort this out. I appreciate any advice you can give me. Oh yeah she swears up and down that she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. And that even though she thinks on these other men that’s not where her heart is. She claims her heart is with me but then if that’s the case why even think on other men in an intimate way.

[Ask April Masini]

I was with you all the way up to the fact that she actually kisses and caresses a pillow while you’re in her presence. 😯 This is different from plain old garden variety fantasizing. This is the kind of behavior you’d see in a young teenage girl who was practicing with a pillow until the real thing comes along. That you’re right there in the bedroom with her and she’s not only fantasizing, but [i]acting out[/i] on an inanimate object that she pretends is another man, is crossing a line.

I’m not sure how old your girlfriend is, but it sounds like she has an unusually active fantasy life. Everyone has hopes and dreams and sometimes fantasies, too. But when the hopes, dreams, fantasies and other “inner lives” begin to permeate and take the place of real life, there is a problem.

The issue your girlfriend has is not between the two of you — it’s her thing. That she’s very clear that this is part of who she is and she isn’t interested in letting it go is something you need to pay attention to. If she is willing and able to transfer her fantasies onto you, then you’ll have a very healthy, integrated relationship. If she can’t, there are always going to be “ghosts” in your bed along with the two of you.

This is an unusual problem. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: .

[wolfgazer79]

Thank you for your input. I was afraid this whole time she was doing this it was I was the problem. We actually discussed this further today and she said it’s getting better and she will continue to work on it. She does have a very active imagination which she’s had all of her life. She’s 35 years old but has issues in letting go of the past so I think the fantasies may be her way of dealing with the past. She says that she not only fantasizes these guys but she also fantasizes me which I guess that should make me feel better and be confirmation that it’s not a problem with me but just something she does to get away from reality. The only problem with that though would be that while I’m there or we are being intimate that means that she’s disconnecting herself from me. I actually had that thought of her gearing her fantasies toward me and trying to let her act them out with me but I was afraid that might encourage her behavior and make matters worse. The thought of me haveing to be some other guy worries me because it would seem to me that she would be in love with the guy in her mind and not me. I’m going to be patient with her in this and make an attempt to work with her on this if she is willing to work with me on this and can respect my feelings of how these things make me feel. Sometimes it just seems like she doesn’t care how I feel with this. That she doesn’t care that these fantasies actually hurt because in my thinking she has me so why does she need these fantasies to fulfill her desires. Thank you so very much for being there to talk with about this. Oh yeah now when she fantasizes these guys in a sexual way she says that it’s no longer her they are being intimate with but with other women kinda like a porn playing in mind. I guess I can handle that a little better but it still bothers me. Also, can I get your opinion on this she told me today that as her boyfriend I’m wrong for worrying about what’s in her mind but if I was her husband that would be another story. Have I crossed the line when I am worried about what she’s thinking about? Personally, I think this was just another way to let her have her way by telling me that. Thanks again. God bless you.

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for you kind words, and you’re welcome for the help! 😀

The problem isn’t what’s in her head — [i]it’s what she’s acting[/i] out on pillows….. and other inanimate objects. Acting out can be healthy, or a sign of mental illness. I can’t tell which it is here — or how far she goes with this, or will go.

Creative people may pretend to be someone else in order to prepare for a movie role or imagine what a character in a book they’re writing will do next. Very empathetic and sensitive people weep when they see someone else in pain because they can imagine what that pain is like, themselves. Mentally ill people pretend to be others because they have some inner need to escape their own selves or avoid real life relationships. You have to figure out where the line is with her and her fantasy role playing.

That she thinks it’s none of your business because you’re only a boyfriend, and not a husband, is a clue that she doesn’t think of you as someone who’s going to be part of her long term picture.

[wolfgazer79]

Well she changed that today aboout not getting into her head. She has been diagnosed with bipolar and is taking meds for it. I don’t know if that has something to do with it or not. I understand where you are coming from about her not seeing me as a part of a long term relationship yet she says she wants to marry me and move back to my hometown with me, Chicago, IL. She envisions a beautiful marriage between her and I so I don’t think it’s not that she doesn’t picture a long term relationship with me. When she told me to stay out of her head she was angry with me for always bringing up the fantasies and getting upset with her about them. I do know that there are certain things a person will do when they do not want to deal with life such as get into a kind of role playing, acting out a fantasy or some other imagination. Personally I think she may be doing this to escape her own life. She was sexually abused by her cousin in the past so that may have alot to do with it as well. I was sexually abused by my father as a child so I know and understand what she’s gong through but after years of pain and struggle I have learned to cope with it and the past go something my girlfriend has a very hard time doing. I am trying to help her out with that since I know the only way she can move on in life is to let the past go…the past is the past.

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like talking things through and giving her the opportunity to process her past trauma so that it becomes integrated and not repressed as a blight that she then deals with by acting out unhealthily, is the best path she can take to health. That said, it isn’t your responsibility to do this — it’s hers. If she’s willing to work through her past so that she can be in a healthy relationship, then that’s great. We all bring baggage to relationships, but it’s important you’re aware of hers, yours and any incompatibilities that may become a roadblock. Dating is a great process because it gives you the opportunity to find out if someone is right for you — use it! 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: 😀

[wolfgazer79]

Well my girlfriend and I really had a great talk today regarding the fantasy issue. I do understand her past issues and we are working through them together. I am there to support her and talk with her as she works through them internally. That said I asked my girlfriend after we were intimate how the fantasies were because I am concerned for her and our relationship and she told me that she started out not having any thoughts at all of these other guys but toward the middle thoughts of them came creeping in and she pushed the thoughts away and focused back on me so she is making an attempt to rid herself of this and that’s a definite improvement. I suggested to her about putting her fantasies off on me as in whatever is done in her fantasy to this guy she does to me and vise versa if she’s willing to tell me. I was also thinking of getting into roleplaying with her maybe that’ll help as well. I haven’t suggested this yet as I was afraid it might cause her to truly bring her fantasy to life and her think that she is actually living it instead of being just a game. You have truly been a great help through all of this and I greatly appreciate it.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m glad I was able to help, and I wish you good luck!

If you could do [i]me[/i] a favor, now, I’d love it if you’d rate my advice at this link: [url]https://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&cp=27&gs_id=2y&xhr=t&q=naples+relationship+experts&qe=bmFwbGVzLCByZWxhdGlvbnNoaXAgZXhwZXJ0&qesig=5ePSxsE58_ATGEuiBgQXBQ&pkc=AFgZ2tmr1hK_bEnl96XNDnJhv9fPLrTKomuzIeMJVjHRz9Sh9HZMoY9APtQAsdBc0TSgnT-Q2gdku4yZ5fY88T1qCyX7FqZCkg&gs_sm=&gs_upl=&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&biw=988&bih=536&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wl[/url]. Just click on my name and leave a review of this site.

Thank you! 😀

[wolfgazer79]

Hello again,

I know it has been a while since I posted anything. My girlfriend has since stopped fantasizing other men and now she fantasizes her and I. The thing is is that it doesn’t seem like lust is growing and I was wondering if you can tell me whether or not a person can grow to lust after someone they love by fantasizing them. Also, is this a healthy way to go about the relationship. Thank you for any input that you may have.

[wolfgazer79]

Hello again,

I know I haven’t posted anything in a while. My girlfriend has since atopped fantasizing other men and is now fantasizing us. However, there has been no change in our intimate life. Since she stopped fantasizing other men we might be intimate once a week if I’m lucky. I was wondering if it is possible for her lust to grow for me so we can have a healthy relationship or is that just hoping against hope. Also, my gf asked me if that is healthy for her to grow in lust for someone else. She wants to know if it should just come naturally or if she is doing the right thing. I think she is doing the right thing and there is nothing wrong with it and I told her as much but she wants a professional opinion on the matter so I am asking you. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[Ask April Masini]

Lust ebbs and flows in all relationships! Even very healthy, long-term relationships find both parties wanting more, wanting less — and not always at the same time. In fact, this is SO normal and common, that I’ve written a book on how to get the zest back in your love life. My advice is that you buy (it’s only $8.99 and is an automatically downloaded e-book) it and read it. It’s very DIY oriented, and it basically spells out how to get a date going that enhances your sex life and desire.

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