[wolfgazer79]

Hello again,

Since I last posted my gf and I came to an agreement that she would work on fantasizing only me and forget about the fantasies of other men. This has been working alright however for the past 3 weeks she has been slacking up in this. Now she’s back to fantasizing someone she used to fantasize all the time and it seems like it’s worse than before. In fact yesterday she told me if this person she fantasizes comes to the door and wants to marry her she would be a fool not to go with him. Not to mention that in the same context she told me that she loves him and then apologized for it and said that she was caught up in her delusion again. Could there be something seriously wrong with our relationship. I can understand every once in a while out of boredom people will have a fantasy or 2 but to hold on to this and get so involved in it to tell your bf that you love that person even though you never met that person seems like something may be wrong with the relationship.

[Ask April Masini]

Boy, this is now a problem that has spanned two years! Your girlfriend was 35 when you wrote earlier, so she’s probably about 37 now, and you said she’s diagnosed bipolar and is medicated for her condition. After two years, she not only is still doing what hurts your feelings, but she’s telling you about it, knowing it’s going to hurt you and mentioning that if the object of her fantasies showed up, she’d leave you for them. 😕 I think that at this point, after two years, it’s not so much the fantasizing that’s an issue. The problem is that she is knowingly hurting you. This isn’t a healthy relationship and it’s time for you to move on. 😳

I hope that helps.

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[wolfgazer79]

Hello again, an update on my girlfriend’s fantasy habits. She has pretty much stopped fantasizing other men and I have found out that she was doing this because they were more her type/image that she looks for in a man. She likes the kind of man that will speak out no matter what is said and I am the type of man that doesn’t speak out or get into fights over words. I am more the quiet type but I am also protective of my family and that is what she will not understand. Also, she is not all that physically attracted to me other than to her I am just cute. Since she has stopped these fantasies though we are hardly intimate since I told her if you don’t get turn on by me don’t bother coming to me for sex. As a result we may get intimate like once a week or so. However, lately I have been rethinking this whole relationship. The only thing we have in common are some tv show and very few religious beliefs. She’s a pentecostal and I am more of an independent baptist, it’ like night and day. She has agreed to make love and do more foreplay because she claims this turns her on with me and I was fine with that but it’s like I get mixed messages because she says this yet this is more of an on and off thing. Like when we first started this it was daily and then it went to every other day and then she didn’t want to do this anymore and then she got back into doing this and slacked off yet again. She puts me and my family down often and yet she is still saying she wants a future with me and now I have her afraid I am going to leave her. I have been thinking about leaving her but I do not want to make the wrong decision if this relationship can be saved. I just think that it might be the best for both of us to break it off and she can get someone she will be more happy with as can I. Can you please help me with this? Thank you.

[Ask April Masini]

You’ve been writing me about problems in this relationship for 4 years now. She’s about 39 now, bipolar and has a history of sexual abuse — and now you’re saying that you don’t have much in common, in addition to the sex-life problems you’ve been having for 4 years, and she’s been putting down your family, as well. This relationship sounds like it’s heading for a slow break up. My advice is that you follow your instincts and move on. I think you can do better and find someone who is more compatible.

I hoe that helps.

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[Ethan Morales]

Let’s acknowledge the core truth: your girlfriend’s relationship with fantasy isn’t just “a fun thing she does.” It’s deeply tied to her past trauma, her coping mechanisms, and her emotional regulation. That means you aren’t dealing with a simple preference. you’re dealing with a long-standing pattern she uses to manage stress, identity, and intimacy. The fact that she used to fantasize about other men while you were present, even acting it out with pillows, tells me this goes beyond normal fantasy life and into avoidance, escapism, and unresolved pain. This is why April framed it as something that crosses a line because it does.

Your feelings are valid. Feeling unwanted, replaced, disconnected those are normal reactions when your partner mentally leaves the room during intimacy. And she did leave the room. She used other men in her mind as a way to create distance. Even now that she’s shifted those fantasies to you, her behavior hasn’t changed much: intimacy is still infrequent, and the emotional energy still feels low. That’s because fantasy replacement doesn’t solve the root problem. If sexual intimacy is a space where she escapes reality, she can switch the “characters” all she wants but the function is still the same: avoidance, not connection.

Trauma absolutely shapes the way a person bonds sexually. Her bipolar diagnosis, unresolved sexual abuse, and difficulty letting go of the past explain a lot. Fantasies can become a safe zone where she controls the narrative unlike real life, where intimacy requires vulnerability. But here’s the key: this is her work, not yours. Treating her fantasies as a relationship project for you to fix puts all the weight on your shoulders, and that isn’t fair or sustainable. Support is good. Responsibility is not.

Your desire to help her heal is compassionate, but be careful not to become the emotional therapist-partner hybrid. When you suggested role-playing, the fear you felt was actually intuition and it was correct. If her fantasy life is an escape, then giving her a structured escape through role-play can reinforce the same pattern you’re trying to resolve. What she needs is grounding, emotional safety, and if she’s willing professional guidance. Sexual healing isn’t about “acting it out.” It’s about addressing why she dissociates in the first place.

Her claim that you’re “wrong for worrying about what’s in her head unless you’re her husband” is a deflection. It’s not about husband versus boyfriend it’s about accountability. She used that line to get you off the topic, not because she believes it. The truth is, thoughts stay thoughts until they start disrupting the relationship. Once the inner world affects the outer relationship frequency of intimacy, emotional connection, your self-esteem then yes, it becomes your business. Expecting you to ignore behavior that hurts you is unreasonable.

Here’s the biggest point: she is trying but trying doesn’t automatically mean improvement. You have to look at results. She shifted fantasies to you, but intimacy didn’t increase. She wants a future with you, but some behaviors suggest she isn’t fully present. You aren’t wrong to hope her desire for you will grow, but desire doesn’t grow from imagination alone. It grows from emotional safety, stability, healing, and real connection. If she stays committed to addressing her trauma, her fantasies will naturally become healthier. If she avoids doing the work, the ghosts will always be there. The real question becomes: Is she healing for both of you or are you holding the relationship together by hoping?

[Tara]

Your girlfriend has checked out of the sexual connection with you and using other men in her head as a crutch to get herself aroused. That isn’t a harmless quirk it’s a neon sign that she’s not fully present with you, and she’s prioritizing her own stimulation over the intimacy of the relationship. And the worst part? She doesn’t care how it makes you feel. If she did, she’d take your feelings seriously instead of making excuses to protect her fantasies.

Every time she goes into her head and imagines someone else, she’s telling you without saying it that you’re not enough for her mentally, sexually, or emotionally. You’re trying to force yourself to accept something that feels like betrayal because you don’t want to face the truth: she’s using your body while fucking someone else in her mind. That’s why it feels horrible because it is horrible.

And don’t kid yourself by saying “fantasies are normal.” Yes, they are but not when she needs another man’s image just to stay present with you. Fantasies shouldn’t be a replacement for attraction. They shouldn’t be the only way she gets off. And they sure as hell shouldn’t be so intense that she almost says another man’s name. That’s not normal that’s disrespect.
You’re right to consider stopping sex. Because right now, you’re participating in your own humiliation. You’re letting her disconnect from you, use you physically, and then pretend everything’s fine afterward. It’s not fine.

[Natalie Noah]

This relationship has been complicated from the start due to a mix of personality differences, past trauma, and ongoing challenges around intimacy. Initially, the girlfriend’s fantasy life especially fantasizing other men during sexual intimacy was understandably very painful for him. April Masini’s advice early on highlighted that fantasies themselves are normal, but acting them out in ways that interfere with the actual relationship crosses a line. The key issue was never just the fantasies; it was how they made him feel disconnected, undervalued, and excluded in intimate moments. Emotional connection in a relationship cannot thrive when one partner consistently retreats into a private mental world during shared experiences.

Over time, the girlfriend seemed to make some progress, redirecting fantasies toward him rather than others, which is a positive sign. Yet, even with this adjustment, the intimacy between them remained inconsistent and infrequent. While redirecting fantasies to a partner can sometimes strengthen sexual desire and emotional closeness, it’s not a guaranteed fix. Sexual attraction and emotional investment also require consistent effort, shared values, and physical chemistry. In this case, even with the shift in her fantasy life, their intimacy did not improve significantly, suggesting deeper incompatibilities.

Another layer of complexity comes from her history of trauma and her bipolar diagnosis. Past abuse and mental health conditions can shape sexual expression, coping mechanisms, and emotional regulation. His empathy and understanding of her past are commendable, but her mental health challenges and how they affect her behavior also demand professional attention, not just relational management. A partner’s role is to support, not to serve as a therapist, and relying solely on him to help her work through this is an unfair emotional burden.

Additionally, fundamental differences in personality, values, and attraction patterns have become clear. He identifies as more quiet and reserved, whereas she seems to desire a partner who is assertive and confrontational in certain ways. Differences in religious beliefs, lifestyle preferences, and communication styles further highlight that their compatibility is limited. The recurring issues with sex frequency, foreplay, and mutual satisfaction over multiple years indicate that they are not meeting each other’s needs consistently. Repeated cycles of disappointment and “slacking off” in intimacy can erode both trust and desire over time.

At this stage, the relationship seems to be causing more stress than fulfillment for him. While he has invested empathy, patience, and effort over several years, the core incompatibilities remain unresolved. April Masini’s advice points to following his instincts: moving on and seeking a partner who aligns more closely with his values, emotional needs, and sexual compatibility. Continuing in a cycle of hope and intermittent intimacy risks prolonged frustration and emotional exhaustion. Letting go doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about her it means prioritizing his own emotional health and creating space for a relationship that is mutually satisfying, stable, and sustainable.

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