[Anonymous]

I’ve been dating a girl for about 3 months. She is 34 and a recently-divorced (Divorce was finalized a couple of months ago) mother of a 4 year old son. Since the early-going, I have been very apprehensive about her sense of ‘boundaries’ with people, including her brother-in-law.

Her brother-in-law and her twin sister have been having marital problems for some time. Her brother-in-law physically abuses her sister. The most recent was about a month ago. The brother-in-law goes to therapy twice a week.

About a month ago, my girlfriend got breast implants. Her twin and brother-in-law came over to her house (i was not there at the time) and she showed her new boobs to her sister and brother-in-law.

For the past year, my girlfriend has been unemployed and just started a full-time job 5 days ago. During this period of unemployment, her brother-in-law would come over to her house during the work day for lunch with just the two of them present.

A couple of weeks ago, my girlfriend and I were at a sports bar watching a college football game when her brother-in-law shows up alone and uninvited. (She had mentioned to him that we were going to BWs to watch the game). He makes himself comfortable at our table. After a half hour of eating, he opens her purse w/o asking, goes through it, finds a pack of disposable toothbrushes, takes one out, uses it and then discards it. Next, he rummages some more looking for some gum, finds some and takes a piece. All of this right in front of me and her.

My girlfriend told me that her brother-in-law would come over her house for a family cook-out when she was married and often take over the grill and this would infuriate her ex-husband.

Last night (Friday night), when texting my girlfriend what she was doing, she said she was at dinner with her brother-in-law, her son and her brother-in-law/sister’s kids. I was not told nor invited. Her sister was not present. She said her sister was going to meet them out after work but couldn’t get off work in time.

This infuriated me.

Below is the text conversation she and I had:

4:15 pm – Me: What are you doing tonight?
4:16 pm – Her: Oh..who knows
4:17 pm – Me: Eh?
4:21 pm – Her: I was just saying…I don’t know what I am doing..
4:22 pm – Me: OIC
4:55 pm – Her: What are you doing?
4:56 pm – Me: Just got home. Was feeding the cats. <I went on to talk about something funny the cats did>
4:58 pm – Her: Ha ha! You had a short day today!
4:59 pm – Me: LMAO – yeah lucky me! 🙂
6:59 pm – Me: What are you doing?
7:00 pm – Her: I’m out to eat with <brother-in-law> and the kids. What’s up with you dear?
7:01 pm – Me: Where is your sister?
<no reply>
7:17 pm – Me: My feelings are hurt if you are out with Todd and your sister is not there. I didn’t ask you to do anything on a Friday night because I figured you’d want one-on-one time with <her son>. But you’re out with <brother-in-law>?? (she has shared custody and he’d been at his dad’s for the past two days).
7:31 pm – Her: Yes…I had dinner with <brother-in-law>. <Sister> was supposed to meet us but she didn’t get out of work in time.
7:32 pm – Me: Cool. Have fun.
7:39 pm – Her: Really? I don’t know how to respond. I asked what you were up to earlier and you didn’t seem interested so I left it alone.
7:44 pm – Her: Not to mention I’m exhausted and didn’t really think you wanted to hang out while I sleep again. Am I wrong? You know I would love to hang out anytime.

(When she wants to hang out, she’ll text me during the day and specifically ask me “What are you doing tonight? Want to hang out? I miss you.”)

8:46 pm – Me: I thought I was giving you space and time to spend with your son. I wanted to see you but didn’t want to take all of your time after the comment about only being able to see him half of his life. I just made me feel a little left out I guess. I don’t want to argue but I feel you knew you were going to dinner with <brother-in-law> and were being vague about it on purpose.

8:49 pm – Her: I didn’t know when I was texting you.
8:52 pm – Me: How about an invite or just a heads up next time? I don’t want to control I just want to feel included. Maybe not even that much, maybe I just don’t want to feel left out.

No response yet – it’s 7:40 am the next day.

Thoughts? Am I over-reacting to how much involvement she has with her brother-in-law? Am I over-reacting that she showed her breast implants to him (even though her twin sister was right there)? Am I over-reacting about him showing up uninvited at the sports bar and then rummaging through her purse? Am I over-reacting about the fact that she will routinely have lunch with him alone to talk about his marriage to her sister?

Am I over-reacting about any of this?

Frank and sincere opinions and advice are appreciated.

M.

(She commented Thursday night that she wasn’t sure about New Year’s Eve plans because she had her son that night and wasn’t sure about a babysitter because she only gets to see him half of his life.)

[Anonymous]

As you are telling it, it doesn’t seem as if you are over-reacting. However, you are not being that direct with her either. If you care about her, you may want to sit down and matter-of-factly tell her that you are uncomfortable with the current situation and explain why. She appears to understand that you don’t like her interacting with her brother-in-law without her sister present, but she does not seem to mind the reaction it causes in you. She is triangulating. That is, she has created a triangle: you, him and her. She has (unconsciously or not) brought someone else into your relationship, and now there are three of you. People do this all the time: with another person, with work, with extracurricular activities. It’s gives them the illusion of safety and is a protective mechanism. If, after discussing the situation, nothing changes, then you have to decide how comfortable you are remaining in this relationship. This relationship should be about you and her, but it’s become about a third person. You deserve a relationship where someone is focused on the two of you, not on a third person.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve only been dating her for three months, so consider everything you’re writing about her as part of the getting to know her process. [b]Julia[/b] gave you some great advice. Let me add a few notes about twins since your girlfriend is a twin.

Twins are different than those of us who grew up as “un-twinned” people. They are used to being very close with someone their entire gestation, birth, childhood, and often teen years. Some twins continue that symbiotic relationship into adulthood. What you may be seeing as a lack of boundaries is her “twin behavior”. She may not see people so involved in her life as abnormal because she’s been a twin all her life. As a new divorcee and single mother, she may be looking to replicate that safety net she knew as a baby and a child growing up — being a twin with a sister always there in a super-normal way.

There is nothing wrong with your offense at her brother in law’s involvement in her life, but I don’t think she’s trying to sleep with him. I think she’s lonely and you’re still a new guy in her life. He’s security and he’s married to her twin which makes him even safer in her book.

Decide if this is a relationship you want to continue to explore given her twin behavior. How open minded are you? 🙂

Let me know if that helps — and I’ll see you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

Hi Julia and April,

I appreciate the responses. I did have a talk with her Sunday morning. It had some friction to it but we talked it out. She initially told me she wasn’t going to let me cause problems or drive a wedge between her brother-in-law and I. That kind of shocked me as that wasn’t my intentions at all. She did agree awhile back that she understood how I felt about showing her brother-in-law her boobs and that she wouldn’t do something like that again and she reminded me about that as well.

Here’s a fast-forward to Sunday:

Her twin sister went out of town for the weekend to visit girlfriends leaving her husband and two kids at home. Sunday morning as my girlfriend and I are laying in bed just talking, he texts her and asks if she’d watch his two girls for a few hours while he goes looking for snowmobiles. She agreed and he dropped them off.

He never comes back for them. His wife (my GF’s twin) comes over and picks them up 6-7 hours later. I had left for a bit to return home to get a few things done before going back over to her place and she had texted me the aforementioned. She said it was disappointing because she had planned on taking her son to the movie. She then added “…but <her son> enjoyed seeing and playing with his cousins so it’s ok.”

This is something he does to her often and she never says anything about it.

Another event is one evening not long after she had her breast implant surgery, her brother-in-law was out at a bar on Wednesday night. Her twin sister needed some help moving furniture. Instead of staying home or coming home to help his wife, her brother-in-law called my girlfriend asking her to go help her twin sister move furniture. When my girlfriend reminded him that she had just had surgery and couldn’t lift anything, he tried to talk her into it saying that it wasn’t heavy furniture, etc. She was annoyed telling me this story. She immediately tried to defend him though when she say that my reaction was one of annoyance towards him as well.

Are you certain this isn’t a boundaries issue? Is this her being a people-pleaser and not wanting to say no to family? Will this “level-out” down the road the longer she and I date?

She is an incredible person with some outstanding qualities. I just don’t know that I could continue to deal with this if she and I ended up married, etc.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Please re-read my advice.

This [i]is[/i] a boundaries issue — for YOU! 😮 Your boundaries are different than hers. She’s a twin and she’s a single mother so she has a different life experience and different needs than you do. She isn’t trying to please people — she’s trying to please herself, and she made it very clear when she told you not to drive a wedge between herself and her brother in law — which IS what you were trying to do whether or not you admit it.

I don’t think her “twin issues” are going to change because she dates you or marries you. She isn’t trying to date or sleep with her brother in law. She’s just close with her sister, her brother in law, and their children. Unfortunately, she’s more symbiotic with them than YOU’RE comfortable with. Stop trying to find fault and look objectively at your compatibility.

Dating is a process of getting to know someone, and you’re getting to know her. Right now, you’re very uncomfortable with her relationship with her family, and I think this may be a sign for you to move on. Trying to change her isn’t going to work.

I hope that helps!

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

I spoke with her more about it and along with her best friend and we all three came to the conclusion that things like showing her breasts to other men (including her brother-in-law) was not cool. Yet…

Last night, while out having drinks with her and friends, she mentioned that while dropping her son off at her ex-husband’s house, he made the comment “Why don’t you show me your new boobs. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen them anyway.” Yes she showed them to her ex-husband. Everyone at the table looked really uncomfortable (my girlfriend was slightly intoxicated at the time, which probably contributed to the errant slip of the tongue.)

This came a day after we were watching a show called “Intervention” and in the episode an alcoholic mother would sleep in the same bed with her alcoholic 20-something son. In the program, one of the intervention specialists mentioned “You don’t find that odd sleeping in the same bed as your son?” He then went on to label it as something like “unacted upon incest” (that’s not the correct term but something close to that).

My girlfriend commented on her own, out loud that it was weird.

What I can’t understand is how it’s not weird to her to not keep her boobs in her shirt or show her ex-husband?

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Please delete this post and my post before it. I was incorrect regarding the conversation. It was loud and I misheard what was said.

As far as I am concerned, my girlfriend and I have been able to improve our communication and have been able to work through our challenges.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re behaving with me the same way you are with her. You didn’t like my advice, so now you’re coming back to me and telling me that other people think otherwise. 😕 This is the same behavior you’re displaying with your girlfriend: you don’t like her behavior, but you continue to date her (and to complain about her!). 😳

Look in the mirror and ask yourself why you continue to date a woman who’s behavior you don’t like, don’t approve of and don’t respect. What is it about yourself that needs to be in a relationship where you feel like the other person is wrong and you’re right?

My advice stands — this isn’t the woman for you. Stop criticizing her, and move on and find someone who is compatible with you and with whom you won’t have these types of issues.

[Ethan Morales]

I’ve read through everything carefully, and here’s my take. First, your feelings are valid it’s completely normal to feel uncomfortable when your partner’s boundaries seem blurred, especially with someone who behaves so intrusively, like her brother-in-law. Him going through her purse, showing up uninvited, and having frequent one-on-one lunches would bother almost anyone. Your discomfort isn’t an overreaction; it’s a signal about your needs and what feels safe and respectful in a relationship.

That said, context matters. You’ve only been dating her for three months, and she’s recently divorced, a mother, and part of a twin dynamic that’s likely deeply ingrained. Her closeness with her twin and family might make her more tolerant of behaviors that you see as boundary violations. Her brother-in-law’s presence may feel “normal” to her because of her family patterns, even if it triggers alarm bells for you.

The breast implant situation is tricky, but from what you’ve shared, it doesn’t sound like there was any sexual intent it seems more like sharing a milestone with family. That can feel inappropriate to you, but it might be her way of involving people she’s close to in her life. Similarly, her socializing with him alone might feel unsettling, but it’s likely tied to concern for her sister and family support rather than romantic or sexual intentions.

The main issue here is communication and expectation alignment. You’re feeling left out and concerned about boundaries, and that’s something you should calmly discuss with her. The way you texted was actually good you expressed your feelings without attacking her. A constructive next step is to explain what makes you uncomfortable and ask for her perspective while acknowledging her family dynamics.

You also need to decide how flexible you are willing to be. If her twin-related closeness and the brother-in-law’s involvement are something you cannot tolerate long-term, that’s important to recognize early. Three months is still a short period to determine whether this relationship can meet your emotional needs and boundary expectations.

You’re not overreacting, but context matters. Your feelings are valid, and her behavior is influenced by her recent divorce, her parenting role, and her twin dynamics. Approach the situation with calm, honest communication, observe how she responds, and decide if this relationship aligns with your values and comfort level.

[Tara]

You’re not “over-reacting.” You’re under-reacting, and you’re doing it because you’re afraid to call the situation what it actually is: a walking, flashing, blaring boundary catastrophe wrapped in denial.

Here’s the blunt truth you’re avoiding. Her relationship with her brother-in-law isn’t “weird.” It’s inappropriate, disrespectful, and completely incompatible with a healthy relationship. A recently divorced woman with poor boundaries, a history of chaos, and a violent brother-in-law who treats her personal space like a vending machine is not someone who magically behaves normally behind your back. You’ve watched all the red flags dance in front of your face like a halftime show, and you’re still asking if maybe you imagined it. You didn’t.

Showing him her new breasts, I don’t care if her sister was there or not, is a hard line. No normal adult woman does that unless her boundaries are dead on arrival. Letting a married man who abuses her sister come over for lunch alone while she’s unemployed?

That’s not “support.” That’s entanglement. And allowing him to rummage through her purse in front of her boyfriend without even blinking? That’s not comfort, that’s disrespect to her, to you, and to the concept of basic decency.

And the dinner? She didn’t “forget” to tell you. She didn’t “not know earlier.” She deliberately avoided telling you because she knew you’d react, and she did it anyway. That’s not miscommunication. That’s someone hiding behavior they know doesn’t belong in a stable relationship.

You’re trying to play “understanding” to avoid confronting the obvious: she prioritises dysfunctional loyalty over relational respect. You’re trying to be the calm, reasonable guy while she’s busy proving she’s not ready for a real relationship with anyone, including you.

So here’s your verdict. Stop pretending this is a misunderstanding. It’s a pattern. And patterns don’t disappear because you explain your feelings nicely. You’re dating someone whose boundaries are nonexistent, whose judgment is compromised, and whose family dynamic will swallow you whole if you keep waiting for her to suddenly wake up and behave like a partner.

If you stay, you’re signing up to be the man who gets told last, included least, and disrespected silently. If you leave, you’re the man who finally grew a spine.
Pick the version of yourself you actually want to be.

[Sally]

That’s not small stuff you’re noticing. It’s the kind of closeness that makes you stop and think, “Why am I the one feeling like the outsider here?” And honestly, none of what you described feels normal between someone and their sister’s husband especially when there’s abuse in the picture. It’s messy, and you’re the one left trying to make sense of it.

What really sticks out is how you keep trying to explain your feelings gently, and she keeps brushing past them. That’s the part that would worry me the most.

You’re not over-reacting. You’re reacting like someone who wants to matter in the relationship. If she can’t see that, or won’t slow down long enough to hear you, that’s something you need to pay attention to.

Just be honest with yourself about how this makes you feel that’s where the truth usually is.

[Natalie Noah]

Your feelings are valid. You’re not overreacting to how involved your girlfriend is with her brother-in-law. the situations you described, her showing him her breasts shortly after surgery, him showing up uninvited at a sports bar, rummaging through her purse, and repeatedly expecting her to help him with his family obligations are all behaviors that would make anyone uncomfortable in a romantic relationship. It’s understandable that you feel left out, disrespected, or even unsettled by the way boundaries are being handled. Your concerns aren’t about controlling her. they’re about feeling safe, respected, and prioritized as her partner.

It does sound like a boundary issue, both in terms of her relationship with her brother-in-law and in how she communicates with you. Healthy boundaries in relationships aren’t just about physical distance or etiquette; they’re about mutual respect and understanding. It’s one thing for her to help family, but it’s another when she allows behaviors that make you uncomfortable or seem inappropriate, like the unsolicited contact and personal exposure with her brother-in-law. Her reluctance or inability to say no may come from people-pleasing tendencies, but the impact is still felt in your relationship.

That said, it also seems like she is trying to balance her commitments her son, her family, and you but perhaps without fully realizing how her actions are affecting you. Communication is key here. You’ve tried to express how you feel, but there’s still some disconnect. She needs to hear your concerns clearly, not as criticism but as an explanation of your emotional experience, so she can understand why certain actions feel disrespectful or uncomfortable. A conversation where you set mutual expectations and establish boundaries for interactions with family members could prevent future conflicts.

Pay attention to how these patterns make you feel over time. If this behavior continues and she is unwilling to adjust boundaries or consider your perspective, it’s worth evaluating whether this dynamic is sustainable long-term. Relationships require compromise, but they also require mutual respect and emotional safety. You’re not being overly sensitive. your feelings are a signal that the current dynamic may not meet the standards of trust, respect, and security that you need in a committed partnership.

[Member]

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