[elaine30]

Ihave been dating this guy off anD on for about 3 years and this year we are expecting a baby bOy, due in March. My boyfriend told me that he is going to Dominican Republic with his male friend in May, 2 months after the baby is born. I asked him if I could go and he said no. I asked him to cancel the trip and he said that his friend would be really upset and he refusues to cancel. I am worried that the babay will only be two months and also that he might cheat on me. What should I do. There is no convincing him not to go. Also he went away with this same male friend last year to Puerto Rico. Me and my boyfriend have never been away to another country before. Im confused about what I should do ❓

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to accept the fact that you’re on your own with this baby socially and emotionally. Hopefully, your boyfriend will contribute to the child’s expenses and want to spend time with the baby. But his relationship with the baby is probably going to be separate from his relationship with you. 😳 Here’s why:

You said that you and your boyfriend have been off and on for three years. Unless something unusual happens, you should expect more of the same. Having a child together, obviously, would be the trigger that might change the relationship, but it doesn’t sound like it is in your case. Dating off and on implies that he is seeing other people and that you are free to do so, too, if you choose to, so you need to really accept the status of the relationship and what it implies — that this isn’t a long-term, committed, monogamous relationship in spite of the baby.

That your boyfriend is going to leave the country with a friend when your baby is only two months old is sending you a loud and clear message that he’s not committed to you and the child. If he is going for a work-related event that is paramount to supporting you and the child, that would be different, but you implied that he’s going with a friend for fun. 🙁

Here’s your challenge: Rather than get upset about this, suspend judgment on him, and accept the fact that he’s not committed to you and the baby, and start focusing on what single mothers focus on: being a great mother to your child. 🙂 It’s time for you to accept the reality of the relationship and make decisions that are good for you and your your child. 😀

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[elaine30]

Your def right, minus the off and on because the times we broke up, were my decision and simply because he was too boring at the time. I do love him but i am just disappointed and wonder if what we have now is real or fake, the times we spend together, the days he come with me to every hospital visit, calling me in the morning to see if i am okay, and planning a surprise baby shower. So are u saying that i should not look foward to having a future with someone like this and distance myself now? Since i cant talk to him about this because, it always starts an arguement ending with im insecure, or all I think about is him being with another woman.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for filling me in — the fact that you and your boyfriend were off and on because you broke up with him causing the “off” times in the relationship makes a difference. And it sounds like he’s been very attentive to you by going to your doctor appointments and throwing you a baby shower. 🙂 However, it’s a good idea to put yourself in his shoes, and understand that he might not want a long term relationship with someone who’s broken up with him several times in three years because she was bored with him. Or he might want one, but he doesn’t trust you to stay in the game, and so he’s trying to protect himself, emotionally, because he thinks you’ll break up with him again because you’re bored with him.

And while it’s definitely prudent to assume that he was dating other women when you’d broken up with him causing the relationship to be off again, but it’s not rational for you to break up with someone and then get jealous that they’re dating when you’re the one who wanted the break up. 😕

So, now, with this extra information, it’s unclear if you are upset about his going abroad without you because he’s leaving you alone with a two month old, or because he’s going on a “bachelor” type of trip where he may be dating other women, or because you’re jealous of his relationship with his male friend with whom he’s traveling, or because you feel that traveling abroad is something you want to do as a couple, and he’s acting single by going without you.

Is this guy someone you want to marry? Live with? Be monogamous with? What kind of relationship do you want with him?

[elaine30]

I am upset at everything you listed below. He denies dating anyone in between and constantly tells me that hes a one woman man. He is someone that i want to marry and be monogamous with, i just feel like you said, hes doing something single and all he can say is that he cant get his money back and his friend will be upset. Even though he denies that he will cheat, and tells me he will call me everyday i do not know how i will feel emotionally once he goes. A part of me wants to cut off all contact and make him suffer with the thought that he could do such a thing as if he is a bachelor and make him have to contact me via email. New address and new cell phone number. He ask me to have his baby in June and claims that he didnt know about the trip until September, and his friend paid for everything. i do not know any men that go to Dominican Republic to look. I feel betrayed, he begged me to have his baby

if you are upset about his going abroad without you because he’s leaving you alone with a two month old, or because he’s going on a “bachelor” type of trip where he may be dating other women, or because you’re jealous of his relationship with his male friend with whom he’s traveling, or because you feel that traveling abroad is something you want to do as a couple, and he’s acting single by going without you.

Is this guy someone you want to marry? Live with? Be monogamous with? What kind of relationship do you want with him?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The more you write, the more your situation becomes clear, so thank you for that. 😀

I’m not sure how old the two of you are, but here are some things for you to remember:

1. It sounds like he has given you no reason to believe he’s going to cheat on you. Your fear that he is going to cheat on you seems to be something that is in your head, and not anything he’s led you to believe. Time to get over that one! 😉

2. If the only reason he’s going on this trip is because he’s put down the deposit or he’s already paid for it, he’s not making a very mature decision. Or…. he just doesn’t want to be with you — in spite of all the things you’ve said that he does for you that are kind and good. 😳 So, either you’re dealing with a man who’s not putting his girlfriend and new baby — in other words, his family — first, or someone who doesn’t really want to be with you and your new baby very much. I know that you’ve said all these nice things about him, but you have to look at his behavior.

But the worst part is that you wrote that he didn’t even pay for this, his friend did. 😮 So, there’s really no reason he can’t tell his friend that he has decided that the right thing to do is stay with his girlfriend and new baby, and his friend can find someone else to take. But….. he doesn’t want to. This is the part you’re having trouble wrapping your head around because you don’t want to believe what is really happening.

3. But your cutting off from him and changing your phone number and e-mail to make him suffer is probably the worst decision of all. 😯 I know you say he begged you to have his child, so you did — but you’re an adult (I assume, although you didn’t mention your age), and you have to take responsibility for having made a baby with this man. Just because he begged you to have a child doesn’t mean that you should have. 😕 So don’t blame him for the pregnancy. That’s a two way street. However, now that you are having the baby, you have to remember that he is important to this child. He’s the child’s father. You can’t have the baby and cut off from him because that isn’t in the baby’s best interests, and it’s wrong. As the father of the baby he has rights to know about the baby’s well-being and location! 😕 He should be able to see the baby as well as help take care of it.

I completely understand you feel betrayed. You’re disappointed. And you feel like what he’s doing is wrong. But you can’t behave badly just because you feel like he has. You’re going to be a mother, and you have to focus on being a good one. You and this man are going to be connected for the rest of your lives — because you’re parents to a child. It’s time to make the best of the situation — which means being disappointed, but not behaving badly. 😳

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[elaine30]

Thank you for your advice you have put a lot into perspective for me. Moving forward, since he’s not going on this trip until may and we are in January, how can I deal with him? This situation leaves me feeling insecure and uncertain about our future. FYI: I am an adult but, should I continue to put all my eggs in one basket. I definitely would not take away his duty of being a dad but his credibility and judgement really seem to suck. I talked to him about selling the ticket and to be quite honest I don’t even think he told his friend I’m pregnant . We never met, just talked over the phone. His friend is very single and very successful.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you want to marry him, and you admit he has bad judgment and isn’t credible…. 😕 my advice is that you accept that he’s going on this trip without you and then to not bring it up again or fight about it. Agree to disagree. You’re both clear that you don’t want him to go and he is going to go anyway. The best you can hope for is that this doesn’t become a straw that breaks the camel’s back.

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[elaine30]

I am 7 months pregnant and both me and my boyfriend live with our mothers temporarily, just one block in distance from each other. he usually comes to my house every night after work but, lately he’s been staying at his mother s house 1day a week. Also whenever he comes over my house he doesn’t bring his cellphone anymore because he claims that he receives emails at all times of night from work. should I suspect that he might be cheating or is this normal???

[elaine30]

how do I start a new post?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

Why are you living with your mothers?

And how long are you planning to live with your mothers?

As for his visiting you without his phone, I don’t think that’s any reason for you to be jealous — in fact it may be that he wants to be with you without interruption! 😉

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[elaine30]

my boyfriend let me use his computer to do work on and he left his email and password in the login. I checked his email and see that he had several pics of a female that lives in Dominican republic where he will be visiting this summer . the emails were forwarded from his work email. I also see that he joined several dating websites and sent his cellphone number to females. when I confronted him about the above he got mad and said I shouldn’t be looking through his stuff and when I asked him about her he said she was a friend before me. I asked him if he’s seeing her and he said no. I asked him if he wanted to separate and see other people and he said he’s happy with me. every time I bring it up he gets mad . when I asked him when the last time he had contact with her he said a year ago but I saw a message from 2 months ago. he said that he can’t help it if females send him pictures, when I explained that he would be mad if it was me. he agreed. what should I do. I love him but don’t want to feel like I can’t trust him. how do I proceed? he continues to talk to me like he did nothing and like nothing happened. the inky thing he can say is I went through hi stuff. he denies any relations with this girl at all. the pictures we of her fully dressed and some bathing suit pics. every time I see him I feel betrayed. I am7 months pregnant but told him tell me if he wants space. he said no. what should I do

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When you first wrote me about this problem, several weeks ago, I suggested you get ready to raise the baby on your own. You should go back and read my advice. But then you got defensive of your boyfriend and began to tell me that he’s actually a good guy — goes to your doctor appointments with you, throws you a baby shower, etc. You didn’t want to hear my advice — that he’s not really there for you. Now, it seems that your instincts were right, and the reason he isn’t there for you is because he is seeing at least someone in the Dominican Republic, and probably others from the dating sites you found. You didn’t trust your instincts, that pushed you to write me in the first place, and now, having seen this evidence that he’s got other women on his mind, and possibly in his life, you’re not going to be able to get away from the truth — which is uncomfortable, but actually a good thing.

Women try to fool themselves into thinking their dream is a reality, and you’re doing that with him. He isn’t who you want him to be, and you need to wake up and smell the coffee. He’s going on vacation to see another woman there, which is why he won’t bring you with — or stay home with you when you asked him to. He’s interested in dating others.

Since you’re having his baby very soon, you really need to focus on being a good mother, and hopefully he’ll be a good father, but he’s not that into you, and while that may sound harsh, I think you need to accept what’s happening, even if it’s disappointing.

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[elaine30]

should I end our relationship and just tell him let’s focus on the baby?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes.

This guy isn’t interested in you enough for you to invest any more romantic energy. Hopefully, he’ll be a good father and co-parent. But you need to start trusting your instincts and not spending time with people who aren’t compatible with what you want in a relationship for yourself. 😉

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