[fuzziestump]

I hope that you like to read – this is gonna be a long one 🙂

So, about 2 months ago, I went to my favorite bar for watching sports, where the bartender is a good friend…it’s a little dive, but none of this is really relevant.

I walked in and sat down at the end of the bar and said hello to the bartender. Shortly after that, a tall, beautiful blond came in and sat down beside me, most likely because it was the only seat left in the bar. I’m not demeaning myself by any means, here, but instead, stating what I believe to be a fact.

Anyway, she also knew the bartender, and she and I chatted a bit about nothing….friendly banter, whimsical, light topics…I figured, nah…she’s not interested….her body language suggested so.

Anyway, about 90 minutes later, her boyfriend of approximately 3 years shows up. I get introduced to him, and he and I chat a bit too…by the end of the night, he had drawn some silly “Three Best Friends” thing on his phone and texted it to me in reference to us having a laugh over part of The Hangover movie.

Over the following week, they came in one other time while I was there….we all joked around, threw some darts, had some drinks, and had a good time. During our interaction, she said “I love this guy!”, thumbing to me. She seemed a bit more interested in me at this point.

(I should note, at this point, that some of the interactions between her boyfriend and herself seemed less than amicable…some things he said or did seemed to simply piss her off.)

As they were leaving, she came over to me, gave me a big, long hug, and said “I love you! Really, I love you…you’re great!!” and gave me a peck on the neck.

So, there’s the background. She hooked me. 🙂 (Not that I wasn’t already interested…but there’s always something re-assuring about a girl showing obvious signs of interest back)

So, a week goes by, and I hadn’t really done anything about it…I just figured she was a friendly, attractive woman who I’d keep my eyes on in case things didn’t go so well in her relationship, as I suspected may happen.

The following week, I went down on a Friday to hang out, as my daughter was going back to mom’s house for the week, and I just needed to ‘get out’… 🙂 I messaged her on Facebook, asking if they wanted to come hang out and have a few drinks, play darts, etc….(from this point on, I’ll refer to this activity as “the norm”). I messaged the boyfriend too, as they were still together, they both were fun to be around, and I figured I’d at least be able to see this magnificent woman again, even if she was unavailable. HE messaged me back first, stating that he was at work (a bar manager himself [at the OTHER bar that was owned by the person who owned the one I was in] working til 2am about 20 miles away). Shortly after that, she also returned my message, and said she’d be getting off of work early (a cocktail waitress at a local casino) and that she might stop in.

Low and behold, shortly before midnight, she arrived to the bar. She and I chatted a bit, and then got into “the norm”. We played for shots, and both of us were feeling good by the time it was time to say goodbye. Knowing that eyes might be on us (since the BF wasn’t there and he worked for the owner, who was there at the bar too), we parted with just a friendly hug.

But this is where it gets weird. I messaged her again the next day (Saturday) and basically we repeated the same meetup. The owner and the mutual -friend bartender were not there either, so it was a bit more relaxed for us to converse/interact. She confessed to me that she was no longer in love with her boyfriend, although she still loved him (ILYBINILWY) and didn’t know how to break it off. I told her I knew the feeling, and I wished her well with that endeavor. Again, we parted ways with a friendly hug.

Over the next 5 days, she came down purposefully to visit me 3 more times, each time revealing more and more disdain for her current relationship, and showing me more and more signs of attraction….she rubbed my arm for a few seconds, touched my back, my chest, my shaven head, poked me playfully in the neck with the soft-tip darts….a lot of typical “she’s into you” signs. The conversations got deeper and deeper, revealing more and more intimate topics, not sexual, just personal. Eye contact seemed intense between us, and at least for me, there was no one else in the room while we were talking.

My daughter came back home Friday evening for the week, and that means no bar for daddy. That was fine, though, as my bank card and liver could use the break 🙂

On that Wednesday, she messaged me, asking if I was coming to the bar so I could kick her ass in darts, like I always do. I replied that I could not, at least not until Friday. We chatted a tiny bit about why she wasn’t working, and her “hair color” fiasco that caused her to take the night off. She seemed cool with where we left things.

That following Friday, I went to the bar, hoping she’d come after work. She didn’t show up, and being the “non-needy” guy that I am, I didn’t try to contact her or anything. Two days later (Sunday morning) both her and her boyfriend had posted things on their respective Facebook walls that indicated trouble in paradise. Later that day, I noticed that both of them had changed their relationship status’ to “Single”.

Now, I immediately thought that she had broken up with him because of me, but as it turns out, he broke up with her. So before you accuse me of being in an “emotional affair” with her, it had nothing to do with this breakup.

I played it cool, as she had lived this life for 3 years and, even though she was thinking of ending things as well, there’s always a certain amount of “What is my life now” that comes when a romantic relationship ends.

By this point, I’d not messaged or interacted with her for about 5 days. The boyfriend ended up coming to the bar the night following the breakup, (Monday, if you’re having a hard time keeping up) and he and I did “the norm”. I innocently asked about the posts I had seen on his wall, and he told me all about the breakup….he didn’t seem to bad off, considering things…but that’s a guy thing, so I didn’t ask more than he wanted to divulge.

However, during that time, he had shown me HER Facebook messages. He was particular concerned with one person from the night of the breakup (not me) and told me that they brokeup because he just didn’t trust her.

(Fortunately for me, she had apparently been deleting any messages I sent her – not that they were anything more than friendly, but when a guy doesn’t trust his woman, EVERY other guy is a suspect)

As soon as he left, I texted her to tell her to change her Facebook password. She immediately called me, and talked to me about their breakup and what she was going to do, etc. It was a short call.

This is where I need the advice. It’s been 11 days since they broke up, and it seems neither of them are trying to get back together. I haven’t seen or heard from her since the phone call the night after the breakup. I sent her a FB message last night asking (very playfully, not flirty/romantically” if she wanted to come play some darts after work…she read it, but did not reply…still hasn’t. (I should note that she was unreliable with replies anyway, so this isn’t a huge shocker).

Am I in too much of a hurry? Does a woman go out of her way to hang out with a guy in the manner described above if she’s not interested in him? I am having a hard time gauging this one…normally, I’d just say “screw it” and walk away, but this girl is, for me, a great fit. I would really like the opportunity to get to know her, and see if there’s a relationship there….but now that she’s no longer with the boyfriend, she goes to her parents home after work, which is in the complete opposite direction of where she used to go, with the bar being along that route. I’ve not seen her for about 2 weeks, and I’m wondering if I just projected more attraction on to her than she actually has for me.

I know that there are a TON of variables involved, but if anyone can help me make sense of this, please do. I dont really need anyone ‘hating on me’ because of anything that happened here…I just need some advice on whether to simply throw in the towel, give it more time, jump right into it, remain distant, text her often, etc….As stated earlier, I’m not needy at all, but I really really like this woman, and I dont wanna just let her be the “one that got away”….

Anyone care to take a crack at this? 😀

Thanks!!

[Ask April Masini]

If you want to date her, then you should ask her out on a date. The problem is that when you keep inviting her to go back to the bar where you’ve been friendly with both her and her boyfriend, and you’ve been hanging out with her, in the friend zone, your intentions aren’t clear. If she knows that you want to take her out on a date, she has the opportunity to say yes — and you’re both happy and clear about things, or she can say no, and while you may not be happy, you’ll be clear.

Hope that helps!

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[Samson]

I agree with April, she may not be ready to go into a relationship right away, but make sure she knows you are there for her. And I think April is right, you should ask her to go out some place new. Try Dairy Queen, all women love ice cream, right?

[Ask April Masini]

[b]Samson[/b] has a good point! Women do love ice cream, and some even love dinner, too! 😉 You can try museums, the zoo, hiking, a concert, or even asking her to go out for a drink, but to a different venue — maybe one that’s more luxurious and has a beautiful view so she knows that this isn’t beer and darts again — this time, it’s a date! 😉

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[fuzziestump]

I like the ice cream suggestion, but I’m writing from Pittsburgh, where it’s currently 25 degrees F – 😀

To update my original novella, I haven’t seen or heard from her in about 2 weeks. I’m very aware of the whole “push/pull” theory, so I’ve limited myself to sending only a couple of one line messages to her over this time, and not heard back a word.

Unfortunately, I did something kinda dumb, though. Earlier this week, I went out and had a few drinks, and this was one of the nights I messaged her. Since we are using Facebook Messenger, I can see if she’s read my message or not, what time she read it, if she’s currently active, etc. I invited her out (in general, not to the bar) and got no reply.

A few hours later, still at the bar, I sent “I’m sorry, but did I miss a memo? Why wont you even reply to me anymore?”

No reply.

This is where I get stupid. When I got home, I was so frustrated (and a little tipsy) with the one-way communication now between us that I basically wrote everything I was thinking and sent it in FB messenger. I wanted to wait until I saw her in person to talk about most of the stuff in the long message, but she made herself incredibly unavailable, and I had a moment of despair. 😥

Here’s what I foolishly sent:

[quote]Ok, so, I know this is a horrible idea…anyone in their right mind would tell me not to send this to you…but sometimes I defy logic, and this is clearly one of those times. The way I see it, you were as interested in me as I am in you. But ever since you and[i] **ex bf**[/i] broke up, you’ve fallen off the map. Do you blame me for it? I know it hurts…so much of your life has changed very suddenly, and it’s hard to understand…it’s hard to find purpose in some parts of life. But I’m the same person I was before your relationship ended. And I’m not the reason you two broke up. Instead, I am a great guy who’s looking for a great girl…and I’m a choosy guy…I haven’t found anyone who made the world disappear when I’m around them the way you do. For many reasons, I see the great girl I’ve been waiting for in you. Since my marriage ended, I’ve never found a single person I could be completely and utterly “myself” with until you. When you’re around, I dont feel like I have to be anybody else but me…and it’s an incredible feeling. I feel like you felt comfortable around me too…am I wrong? Doesn’t it feel wonderful to be accepted for who you are, and not who somebody idealizes you to be? I dont care if you smoke, if you drink, if you terminated a pregnancy, or anything else you may not be fond of in yourself…I like you for who you are, right here, right now. I accept you as an individual, devoid of expectations or ideals. You’re funny, beautiful, fun, playful, ambitious…and I suspect there’s a whole lot more about you to like than that. I’ve kept my eyes open for a long time looking for someone whose traits you possess, seemingly naturally. But your distance lately has really perplexed me. Is it my age? My physical condition? What is it that’s keeping you from even seeing if there’s something here to pursue? Many people think that when you meet your “soulmate” that there’s supposed to be a spark…butterflies in your stomach, sweaty palms and shaky hands….I like to think that when you meet your soulmate, you’re 100% at ease and comfortable with them, like you’ve known them all of your life. Am I insinuating that you and I are soulmates? No, not really. But you have to admit, there’s no pressure to impress one another between us. I am who I am, and you are who you are…and I thought that we were getting along incredibly well. I thought there was an unspoken ease between us that could perhaps lead to something much bigger than “dart buddies”. But it seems that you don’t feel quite the same. I cant lie to you…I like you very much. In you, I see everything that I’ve ever wanted in a partner. Being just friends is no longer an option for me. If you don’t want a guy like me in your life, just say so. I’m not a needy guy. But I am a great guy…the kind that will stick by your side not only in the best of times, but in the worst of times as well. The kind of guy that doesn’t give up when the going gets rough. I would very much like to see if you and I were meant for more than what we are now. If you do not feel the same, just tell me now, and I promise, I will never bother you again. But, if you feel, even the slightest bit, like you want to know more about me, and what a powerful, true love is like, you’re going to have to let me know. I truly think you’re an amazing, wonderful, intriguing, and loving woman, [i]**her name**[/i]. But I can’t to continue to frustrate myself by putting out lackadaisical invitations to play darts at a bar…I dont even really enjoy going to bars much. I was about to quit going to [i]**bar name**[/i] before I met you. I only go there now in the hopes that you will join me, and I can get to know more about you. The ball is in your court now. You have the power to decide whether you want to find out who I am, and (for what I’m guessing will be the first time in your life,) how a man is supposed to treat a woman. I’m over games and bullshit. I’m looking for my last first kiss. I don’t take dating or relationships lightly. I’m not out to get laid. I’m not a “hit it and quit it” kind of guy. You…You, I like a lot. You, I’m interested in knowing more about. You, I’m able to see a possible future with. In the short time I’ve known you, I can see more than just “hanging out” with you. I hope you feel the same, and you will let me know. If not, I’ll move on, and you can relax knowing I wont ask again. But I hope you choose to take the chance. If you’re interested, I would like to take you out to [i]**suggested date**[/i] on Monday the 17th. Somewhere where nobody knows us, and we can just relax, have some fun, and get to know one another better. If you’re not interested, just let me know. I wont ask again. But I hope you do. This will be my last message to you otherwise. I hope this message will not be in vain. With the warmest of emotions, [i]**my name**[/i][/quote]

Now, I realize that this might seem a little pushy considering her boyfriend of 3 years dumped her about 2 weeks ago. But I dont think I was over the top being mushy or needy. Regardless of my thoughts on the letter, I realize it is going to require me to do some damage control.

I’m don’t plan on contact her anymore until she attempts to contact me, unless one of you advise against that idea. 🙂

Thoughts?

Thanks!!

[Ask April Masini]

I think you’ve blown it. 🙁 This is a woman you’ve never dated and you’re coming on to her as someone who is entitled to her time, and who feels justified in articulating your feelings to her without invitation or response, and is owed an explanation for her non-response. 😕 You may be projecting some of your past onto this woman because the reality is, she’s a woman you met in a bar who flirted with you and won’t date you. Check in with yourself and see if that’s right — that you’re imputing some of your own personal past onto her. 😉

Going forward, my advice at this point is to accept the rejection and move on. It’s great to ask women out on dates, but they don’t owe you an explanation for not accepting. Rejection is a gift if you accept it, because it spins you away from closed doors, and towards open ones. Take a lighter and less emotionally charged approach to first-date dating, and you’ll be happier and more successful at it. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[fuzziestump]

I kinda figured as much, but it’s always nice to hear the opinion of someone else. 🙂 Honestly, I’m not terribly concerned with having “blown it “. I think I more or less just needed to have some sort of answer for myself. Closure, if you will . Thanks April!

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very welcome.

I hope you got the closure you needed, and can take away something positive that you learned about yourself in relationships from this encounter. Next! 😀

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[Ethan Morales]

Your story is very detailed and I get why you’re emotionally invested. she’s been giving signals, showing attention, and you’ve shared some fun, light moments together. It’s natural to feel drawn to someone who seems to reciprocate interest. But the key here is context: she just ended a three-year relationship, and emotions are raw, complicated, and unpredictable.

It’s also clear that you’ve been operating in what’s basically the “friend zone” for a while. All the bar hangouts, playful banter, and physical touches can feel like flirtation, but until she knows you want a proper date with clear romantic intent. she may just see it as friendship or harmless fun. Mixed signals in these settings are common; context matters more than intention.

Your long, heartfelt message while sincere actually works against you here. It’s emotionally heavy, and while you didn’t intend it to be needy, it puts a lot of pressure on her to respond. When someone is freshly single, especially after a long-term relationship, that can be overwhelming. It’s also worth noting that you’re projecting your own expectations of a soulmate onto someone you’ve only known in casual, playful contexts.

April’s main point is solid: if you want a relationship, you have to make it clear and intentional. Instead of layering on multiple messages, emotional essays, and mixed intentions, focus on asking her out on a proper date somewhere separate from the bar or routine interactions. This shows you’re serious and lets her decide clearly whether she’s interested.

At this stage, since you’ve already sent the long message, the best move is to give her space. Don’t chase, don’t double text, don’t try to explain or justify your feelings further. She’s not obligated to respond or engage just because you articulated your emotions. Your dignity, self-respect, and calm patience matter more than a potentially reactive response from her.

Finally, check in with yourself: are you chasing a genuine connection with her, or the idea of her? The line between the two is subtle but critical. Accepting potential rejection and moving forward even if you still like her keeps you grounded and emotionally available for someone who can reciprocate fully. Focus on clarity, intention, and self-respect in future dating interactions.

[Tara]

She used you as an emotional escape hatch, not a romantic landing spot. You were the conveniently placed ego-boost, the distraction from her failing relationship, the guy who made her feel wanted while she was too cowardly to walk away from her boyfriend. The moment the breakup actually happened, the fantasy bubble popped, and reality rushed in. And in that reality, you’re not her priority, you were her coping mechanism.

You’re sitting here dissecting every hug, every dart game, every flirty gesture like it’s some encrypted love language. It’s not. It’s a woman in a miserable relationship acting out, grabbing validation wherever she can get it, and then retreating the second the emotional mess becomes real.

The intensity you felt wasn’t connection, it was proximity to someone in chaos.
Her silence now isn’t mysterious. It’s deliberate. When she needed attention, comfort, and a safe emotional audience, she knew exactly where to find you. Now she needs distance to rebuild her life, identity, and routine, none of which involves you. If she wanted you, she’d be showing up. She did before. She’s not now. People don’t suddenly “get busy” when they’re interested. They make room.

Stop pretending this is some delicate timing issue or that you need to “play it right.” There is nothing to play. She’s made her move by making none.
Your mistake is thinking you’re being patient and respectful. In reality, you’re waiting for someone who already decided you’re optional. That’s weakness disguised as hope.

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