[kkay]

Hi April,
I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year, he is 30 and I am 25. I would say that everything is going very well. We have spoken about us being together long-term and how much we care about each other.
The one thing I am concerned about is the sex. There are two points in particular that I would like an opinion on:
1) Two months into the relationship we became sexual. At which point he told me he ‘did not like condoms and only uses them when he has to’. I do not mean to say that he wants to have unsafe sex without a condom, but rather he does not do penetration at all because he doesn’t want to wear one. Unfortunately I did not question this at the time. Looking back I think that apart form my shock, I just let myself believe that I somewhat misunderstood and that as the relationship moves on, we will have penetrative sex. This has not happened.
2) Aside from the above, I am unsatisfied with what we do as an alternative to penetrative sex and how often. I could possibly deal without the penetration if the alternative was great, but we always do the same routine and that only happens on average once every 6 weeks.

Although I have heard of men not liking condoms and therefore attempting have unprotected sex, I have never heard of a man completely withdrawing from full sex because he doesn’t like a condom. Also, regarding point 2, it seems like he has a low libido.

I have not spoken to anyone about this to know how normal it could be. I am preparing to speak to him about it but I am unsure as to how to phrase it as sometimes I am too direct and I don’t want to offend him or make him feel inadequate after a whole year of saying nothing!

I have tried to spice things up with flirting, massages, etc but still the same thing happens! But if anyone can advice something more specific to try that would be great!

I really want this to work out but I am starting to get frustrated! And have this niggling doubt that it is not normal for the total lack of condoms.

Please help! Thank you 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, DON’T have unprotected sex. It’s not worth the risk!

Second of all, definitely have a talk with him and express your concern that your sex life will never include the things you’d like for them to include. Gently ask him if he’d be willing to have a physical with his medical doctor to make sure his disinterest in sex isn’t a result of some other deficit or condition. It’s always best to see a doctor to rule out any problems that could be causing a low libido.

It’s unusual for a 30 year old man to only want sex once every six weeks, so your right to express concern. Now you’ve got to open the channels of communication with him. When you do make sure you don’t blame him or make him feel defensive. The point is that you want to have a more intimate sex life with more sexual expression than what you’ve been doing so far.

Let me know how things go — and I hope you’ll follow me in the meantime on Twitter @AskAprilcom and on Facebook: [url][/url].

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