[Lisa73]

I’m sure we’ve all heard someone say it at one time or another. Today I heard it.

Here’s the history. I’ve been dating this guy for quite some time. We met in May, broke up for a few weeks in August, got back together and I thought everything was going well. He’s 43, I’m a few years younger. He has 2 children, neither of them live with him, but he has the youngest every other weekend. She’s 13. Also, his divorce was finalized in July. Never considered it an issue since he initiated the divorce, moved out and basically didn’t want to have anything to do with the ex.

Well, a couple of weeks ago I got a cold and was a little annoyed with him that he didn’t come over and take care of me or at least offer. I basically came down with the cold Wednesday afternoon, stayed home Thursday and then stupidly went back to work on Friday. He travels for work, but came back into town Thursday afternoon. I was kind of hoping he’d offer to come over or ask me if I needed anything or anything like that, but he didn’t. In his defense he did send me several text messages asking how I was feeling. Anyway, by late Friday night I was pretty annoyed that he hadn’t offered to do anything. To me, taking care of someone when they are sick is a biggie in a relationship. For God’s sake, it’s one of the vows in marriage – in sickness or in health. So maybe the fact that I was sick and a little cranky made it all that much worse, but I was seriously starting to question the relationship since he hadn’t put forth the effort to take care of me when I was sick. Seriously guys, are you clueless about this sort of stuff? Well, I basically called him uncaring, rude and unconcerned via text Friday night. I tried calling him, but he didn’t answer. Obviously he was upset by what I said. I had to run out of town on Saturday, but was back later in the afternoon. It’s unusual for me not to get at least a text at some point in the morning. Every day one of us would text the other “good morning.” So when I hadn’t heard from him by 3, I texted. No reply. I tried calling, got voicemail. So now I’m pissed thinking he’s avoiding me so on my way home I decide to go over to his house even though I’m not feeling that great.

Now he should have been able to tell by this point that I was upset. When I got there at about 3, he was still in his pajamas and said the ringer was off on his phone. He usually turns it off when he goes to bed. Although by 3pm you’d think he would have it on since he does get up early. Anyway, I was kind of mad and told him I had been trying to contact him. That’s when I picked up a throw pillow off the couch and hit him with it. He went ballistic. Now, in my defense, I’m a girl, a weak one, and it was a pillow. Not to mention I wasn’t feeling well and was feeling neglected by my boyfriend of 7 months. Anyway, he started yelling at me and told me to get out. Sure I was mad at him for how I was treated and I did hit him with a pillow, but I didn’t think it was something that should have caused such a reaction. Well, I said no and stayed and trying to get him to talk to me. He completely stops talking to you when he gets mad like this. It’s only happened once or twice in our relationship, but I admit I find it very immature. I apologized for hitting him with the pillow and tried to get him to talk to me, but he wouldn’t. I had really just wanted to sleep and have him take care of me while I was sick and didn’t understand why he hadn’t. He’s normally a very sensitive guy that is always doing sweet things so I was kind of surprised by his attitude when I was sick. Anyway, he had apparently made plans to go out that night. Not sure when this was, before or after I got there. I was sick anyway so it’s not as if I minded him going out without me, but just found it odd that he didn’t communicate it. Well, when it came time that he wanted to leave he wanted me to leave too. I really just wanted to stay and sleep and be there when he got home. Since he wasn’t really talking to me other than to say leave I was being kind of stubborn myself in not leaving until he talked to me. Well, this is when it escalated. He got so upset he called the police saying his ex-girlfriend was refusing to leave. That’s right, he was not calling me the ex-girlfriend. I admit that I should have left and given him some space and probably didn’t do the right thing there, but remember the whole argument started over a pillow fight. Anyway, I eventually left before the police arrived. I still can’t believe he did that. When I left I mistakenly took a handset to the house phone. It had been in my hand and I didn’t realize I had it until I got home. Long story. Anyway, I sent him an apology email the next day and said I had it and he should come get it.

Well, I must have said something about if he didn’t come get it that I would bring it over on Friday. This was the weekend he had his daughter, who I haven’t met, and obviously he didn’t want to explain what was going on to her so he came over on Thursday night to get it. He was still mad. I basically told him that we needed to talk before I’d give the phone back, he refused and left without it. I have to mention that no one uses this phone I had anyway, it goes to a house phone and he rents the house so it belonged to the woman he rented from. It’s not as if it needed to be returned in a hurry and I figured I’d give it back when he calmed down and we could talk. There just didn’t seem to be a rush since I knew he wasn’t using it and no one else does either.

Through all this I still wanted to try to work things out. Yes, I know that sounds bad after he told me to get out of his house and called the police, but I probably should have left anyway and probably shouldn’t have hit him with the pillow. So I took the time to write him a letter over the weekend and put it inside a card. I then dropped it off while I knew he’d be gone taking his daughter back to the ex’s house.

The next week I started texting him “good morning” again everyday. Never got a reply. So by the next Friday I decided to go try talking to him again and see if he had calmed down. Well, he seemed better, but said he had his daughter for the weekend so obviously couldn’t talk when I stopped by. He came outside and talked to me on the porch for a few minutes. Once I realized his daughter was there I apologized and asked if we could talk another time and he said sure. He claimed he had plans Sunday night so I suggested Monday and he said “Ok, if he was in town.” Remember he often travels for work.

Well, I left that night although I’m still wondering if I was being played and he didn’t have his daughter and didn’t have plans on Sunday night and was just making excuses not to talk to me. In the past when he was mad, like during our break in August, he did the same thing, made excuses and avoided me. The only reason we got back together in August was because I went over to his house when I knew he’d be there and confronted him and we ended up getting back together. When I left I said I’d text him on Monday to see if he was in town.

Well, Monday came and I tried texting him, no response. I continued to text him good morning for the rest of the week and stopped by his house several times, but could tell he hadn’t been home. I sent him a few emails. I also sent him a couple of those egreeting cards. I know he opened those Thursday, but I sent him another email asking why he was avoiding me that I don’t think he read. I even tried calling once, but he didn’t pick up. I know, I should take the hint, but sometimes when you know it’s the right person it’s hard. Plus from our break in August I knew that I had to take the initiative. I knew I had to apologize even if I didn’t think I was in the wrong. At least not completely. I really like this guy and other than two fights we get along wonderfully and have a lot in common so I really didn’t think a stupid pillow fight should end the relationship.

So this morning as I’m getting ready for work I get a knock at the door and it’s him. He came to get the phone. Now I didn’t think it was that urgent that he needed to pick it up before work, but he was in the area anyway on his way out of town. So again I tried to get him to tell me what was going on. I had mentioned in the letter I wrote him that I’d just as soon forget what happened that night and write it off since we were both in the wrong and I figured we were both being stubborn and just not talk about it again. I did get out of him that he’s okay with that. He claimed he wasn’t afraid to talk to me, which is kind of what I thought. I really thought maybe he was just hurt by some of the things I said or did. He’s very sensitive. I told him that I was sorry and that I didn’t like things being like they were. I must have asked him what he wanted or something and that’s when he said he didn’t know what he wanted. I asked him if there was someone else, or if he wanted to date someone else, knowing that there wasn’t anyone else in the picture. I asked if he wanted to never see me again and he said something like “I didn’t say that” which just led me back to him not knowing what he wanted again. I really tried to get him to tell me what was going on, did he not want to date anyone now, was he not interested in me anymore, was there something else going on, was he feeling smothered or crowded and needed some space. Something so I just understood where we were out and all he would say is that he didn’t know what he wanted.

So I’m left frustrated trying to understand. Up until this pillow fight I thought everything was going well. We had fun together, we talked just about every night on the phone, would text each other throughout the day just to keep in contact. Depending on whether or not he was in town we’d see each other several times a week and usually spent the night together and on the weekends he didn’t have his daughter we’d spend most of the weekend together. For awhile when we got back together in September I wasn’t sure things were going okay, but I had really felt like they were good in the psst couple of months. He got me a nice piece of jewelry for Christmas and we seemed to be growing closer together.

I know that most people are going to say here that when he says “he doesn’t know what he wants” that he probably just doesn’t want me. Could be, but I know he’s not looking for someone else either at the moment. While we were on our break in August he had some dating profiles up which are still up, but he hasn’t logged into them for quite some time. So I’m left wondering if he really doesn’t know what he wants. If it just wasn’t me that he wanted, wouldn’t he be back on the dating websites? That’s how we met by the way. On the other hand, maybe he was just trying to get the phone back and cut all ties so that he could move on. I don’t know. I guess I’ll stop texting him good morning and see if he gets back on the dating sites. When he was here this morning I asked him again if we could talk sometime and he said yes, but wouldn’t commit to a time. He’s done this before so I don’t know if he was just saying that in order to get the phone back or if he meant it. He claims he’ll be out of town next weekend and says he has his daughter this weekend and then again the weekend after he is out of town so including today and the next 2 weekends it doesn’t sound like I would be talking to him anytime soon. I just don’t know if he’s making excuses because he really doesn’t want to talk to me and has no intention of doing so or if he truly is busy. I want to believe that the excuses he’s giving me are legit, but not sure I do. I seriously wonder if his daughter was really at his house last weekend when he said she was. She was inside and I never saw her so there’s no way to know for sure. I can’t help, but feel that he’s trying to blow me off by continuing to make excuses not to see or talk to me. I know guys don’t like having these conversations, but I just don’t know where I stand. I flat out asked him if he wanted to see me again, as in dating, and he said he didn’t know. I told him that if you don’t want to see me again, just say so, but he wouldn’t. All he’d say was he didn’t know. I felt like I kept giving him the opportunity to tell me he just wasn’t into me or I just wasn’t the right girl for him, but he wouldn’t say it. I was prepared to hear it and in a sense that would have at least given me closure, but he wouldn’t say it.

So opinions? I’d really appreciate the opinion of someone with a male mind. I just don’t know what to think here. I guess I’ll just try to give him some space, but for how long? I’ll stop sending the good morning texts and forwarding him jokes or any other emails. I guess the fact that Valentine’s Day is coming up doesn’t help any. Do I send him a card, do nothing, wait and see if he contacts me, which I don’t think he will if I leave it up to him. Do I move on? I’m hurt and in many ways I feel like his actions are hurting me more, but at the same time I really really love him and he’s the first person in my life I could imagine a future with. Now I just don’t know if I’m a sucker for thinking he still has feelings.

Sorry it’s such a long post, guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading. Feel free to ask any questions about anything I may have left out.

[MysteryWoman]

He knows what he wants! He wants a restraining order put on you.

[Ask April Masini]

Here are a few tips to help you find Mr. Right (this guy is not your Mr. RIght):

1. Don’t call and text a guy first, or, when he doesn’t call or text you back. (You’re acting desperate and no one is going to find desperation attractive. 🙁 )

2. Let HIM do the chasing. [b]MysteryWoman[/b] said he needs a restraining order against you because it’s pretty apparent that you’re spending WAY too much time chasing a guy who isn’t showing much interest, if any. When he called the police to get you to leave his house, you should have ended the relationship. The problem was that you really didn’t see that what you were doing was very wrong. If someone asks you to leave, leave. Again, this is an understatement, but what you were doing wasn’t making you attractive to him. It was doing the opposite. 😕

3. If a guy doesn’t ask you out on a date, move on. Don’t waste your time trying to convince yourself he doesn’t know what he wants. Instead, be clear: he DOES know that he doesn’t want to date you. If he did, he’d call and invite you to dinner.

I’m sorry that this is so hard for you. You’re missing a lot of social cues that most people already understand. I think you should read Think & Date Like A Man, a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right. It’s going to help you a lot. You can buy it on the websites for Barnes & Noble, Amazon or right here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

I hope this helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Lisa73]

[quote=”MysteryWoman”]He knows what he wants! He wants a restraining order put on you.[/quote]
Why would you say something like that?

[Lisa73]

[quote=”April Masini”]Here are a few tips to help you find Mr. Right (this guy is not your Mr. RIght):

1. Don’t call and text a guy first, or, when he doesn’t call or text you back. (You’re acting desperate and no one is going to find desperation attractive. 🙁 )

2. Let HIM do the chasing. [b]MysteryWoman[/b] said he needs a restraining order against you because it’s pretty apparent that you’re spending WAY too much time chasing a guy who isn’t showing much interest, if any. When he called the police to get you to leave his house, you should have ended the relationship. The problem was that you really didn’t see that what you were doing was very wrong. If someone asks you to leave, leave. Again, this is an understatement, but what you were doing wasn’t making you attractive to him. It was doing the opposite. 😕

3. If a guy doesn’t ask you out on a date, move on. Don’t waste your time trying to convince yourself he doesn’t know what he wants. Instead, be clear: he DOES know that he doesn’t want to date you. If he did, he’d call and invite you to dinner.

I’m sorry that this is so hard for you. You’re missing a lot of social cues that most people already understand. I think you should read Think & Date Like A Man, a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right. It’s going to help you a lot. You can buy it on the websites for Barnes & Noble, Amazon or right here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

I hope this helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀[/quote]

I think you’re missing the point. He got upset over a throw pillow. Hardly normal behavior. I knew something didn’t seem right with him, but couldn’t figure it all out. Almost like he was depressed.

You make it sound like I’m the only one in the wrong here. I’m not saying I was right, but I don’t think he was any more in the right in anything he did than me.

So why did he come over to my place 2 weeks later and say that he didn’t know what he wants and wants to talk later?

I feel like you’re missing a lot of social cues. I was with this guy for 8 months and you don’t suddenly blow up over a throw pillow. I can accept the fact that maybe he doesn’t want to date me, but if that’s the case then why hasn’t he started dating someone else, or at least looking?

[Lisa73]

[quote=”MysteryWoman”]He knows what he wants! He wants a restraining order put on you.[/quote]

Why would you say something like that?

[Lisa73]

So why did he read the emails I sent if he didn’t want to talk to me? Seems that he wouldn’t if he wasn’t feeling something.

[JackB]

[quote=”Lisa73″][quote=”MysteryWoman”]He knows what he wants! He wants a restraining order put on you.[/quote]

Why would you say something like that?[/quote]

I guessing she said it because, you know, the guy actually called the police to get you to leave his home.

Anyway, speaking as a guy, if I ever got to the point where I called the police to get a woman to leave my home, there’s a fairly good chance that I’m not romantically interested in her (understatement.)

[quote]
I’m not saying I was right, but I don’t think he was any more in the right in anything he did than me.
[/quote]
Regardless of who’s right and who’s wrong, this is clearly not a healthy relationship.

[quote]
I can accept the fact that maybe he doesn’t want to date me, but if that’s the case then why hasn’t he started dating someone else, or at least looking?
[/quote]
Maybe he simply wants a break from dating anyone? Again, speaking as a guy, we don’t constantly NEED to be dating. And I know if I just got out of a relationship in which I was actually calling the cops to get the woman out of my home, I probably wouldn’t be in a huge hurry to jump right back into the dating scene.

[quote]
I was with this guy for 8 months and you don’t suddenly blow up over a throw pillow
[/quote]
That’s true. There were probably other things about the relationship that were bothering him, which would also explain why he didn’t check up on you so often when you were sick. Sounds to me like there was something (or some THINGS) about the relationship that he wasn’t happy with, and the thrown pillow was just the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. I once snapped at someone I was dating because she ate my last cookie… Was I really that mad about the cookie? Of course not, but there were other things that were bothering me about her, and when she did that, everything just came to the surface finally.

As for why he still wants to talk things over with you– if he stuck with you for 8 months, presumably there’s some good stuff in the relationship that maybe he’s a bit reluctant to let go of. That’s understandable. But the fact that he exploded over a thrown pillow and and also called the cops on you shows that there’s clearly a LOT of frustration there.
Why are you so worried about what HE wants, anyway? What about what YOU want? Do you want to stay with a guy who doesn’t care enough to check up on you when you’re sick? Who calls the cops on you? Who has temper tantrums?

[Ask April Masini]

There’s a saying about missing the forrest for the trees. This means that sometimes people don’t see what’s right in front of them, or what’s really going on because they’re studying individual details.

The bottom line is that he doesn’t want to be with you. Find someone who does. 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Ethan Morales]

It’s clear that you genuinely care about him and want the relationship to work, which shows emotional investment. But the dynamic you’ve described is heavily unbalanced he’s signaling frustration and discomfort multiple times, while you’re persisting in trying to engage him, even when he explicitly asked for space. Actions like going over to his house when he hasn’t responded to texts, staying when asked to leave, and continuing to call or email after being ignored are strong red flags that he is not on the same page emotionally. Regardless of your intentions, this behavior comes across as pushy or invasive from his perspective.

the pillow incident is important to examine. While you may see it as playful or minor, physically hitting someone even with a pillow escalates tension and can feel threatening. His reaction, including calling the police, signals that he felt boundaries were crossed. In healthy relationships, both partners feel safe and respected, especially during disagreements. When physical actions trigger such a strong response, it often indicates that one partner is feeling overwhelmed or unsafe, and continuing to push past that will likely damage trust and connection.

his repeated statements of “I don’t know what I want” are significant. Men generally aren’t as indecisive as they might claim; often, this is a polite way of expressing that they are not ready for a relationship, uncertain about their feelings, or trying to avoid confrontation. The fact that he didn’t actively pursue communication after conflicts, and that he avoided setting clear plans to talk or see you, strongly suggests that he’s distancing himself. It’s not about whether he likes you or not it’s about emotional readiness and compatibility.

your persistence in reaching out with “good morning” texts, e-cards, jokes, and visits may feel caring to you, but it is reinforcing a pattern where you are the chaser and he is the avoider. In relationships, attraction and mutual effort are crucial. When one person is constantly chasing and the other is constantly retreating, it creates frustration, emotional exhaustion, and imbalance. Your repeated attempts to interpret his actions (like whether he was truly busy with his daughter) keep you stuck in uncertainty, which is emotionally draining.

the broader pattern here is that of a man setting boundaries and you not respecting them not out of malice, but out of desire and love. Unfortunately, repeated boundary-pushing even when motivated by affection tends to erode trust and may push the other person further away. True intimacy and connection develop best when both parties feel heard, respected, and safe. His hesitancy, avoidance, and the conflict history indicate that he is either not ready for commitment or does not see the same future with you.

the strongest takeaway is that you need to prioritize your emotional well-being. It may feel painful to step back, but giving him space, stopping the pursuit, and focusing on relationships where effort is mutual will protect you from further hurt. Persistence here is unlikely to change his stance, and it risks normalizing behavior that is not healthy. Recognizing that your love and effort are valuable and deserve reciprocation is key. Moving forward, consider setting firm boundaries for yourself and seeking relationships where interest, effort, and respect flow both ways.

[Tara]

This man has been done with you since the second you showed up at his house sick, angry, and demanding a level of caretaking he never signed up for. You didn’t hit him with a pillow you crossed a boundary. And instead of taking space afterward like an adult, you spiraled into desperate, obsessive pursuit. Showing up uninvited. Forcing conversations. Refusing to leave his house. Holding onto a phone like collateral. Endless texts. Emails. E-cards. Cards in his mailbox. Porch ambushes. “Accidental” drop-ins. You didn’t look like a partner fighting for love. You looked like someone who cannot accept reality.

And reality is simple: he wants out. He’s using “I don’t know what I want” because he’s too cowardly to say, “I’m done,” and you make it impossible for him to deliver a clean break because you corner him every time he tries. You’re not being patient and devoted you’re suffocating the last oxygen left in something he already buried.
He didn’t call the police because of a pillow. He called because you wouldn’t leave his home. That’s not romance; that’s someone trying to get distance from a situation that feels unstable. And everything you’ve done since has proven his instinct right.

Stop analyzing whether he saw your texts. Stop dissecting whether his daughter was actually there. Stop pretending he’s “confused.” He’s avoiding you because he doesn’t want this anymore and doesn’t know how to say it without triggering another scene.

Here’s the blunt verdict: walk away. Not in a week, not after one more talk, not after seeing whether he logs into a dating site. Now. You don’t need to give him space you need to reclaim your dignity. If he wanted you, you wouldn’t be chasing him across town like a lost dog looking for its owner. He’d meet you halfway. He’d answer one text. He’d agree to a time to talk. He’d show effort. He’s doing none of that.

Stop trying to script a future with someone who’s already moved on emotionally. You’re not waiting for clarity you’re waiting for a miracle. And he’s not coming back.
Let this die so you can finally breathe again.

[Sally]

That kind of confusion feels like someone pulled the floor out from under you while you were still trying to stand up straight.
But let me just say this as gently as I can: this wasn’t about a pillow. This was about a man who shuts down, avoids hard conversations, and doesn’t know how to show up when things get even a little uncomfortable. That whole “I don’t know what I want” line… that usually means “I don’t want this, but I don’t know how to say it without being the bad guy.”

And I know you love him. I know why you’re holding on. But chasing someone who keeps hiding isn’t love it’s exhaustion in disguise.
Let yourself step back for a minute. Just breathe. You don’t have to decide anything today.

[Natalie Noah]

What happened between you two wasn’t really about a pillow. It wasn’t even about the cold. It was about you wanting care, safety, and presence… and him being emotionally unavailable in a way that left you feeling invisible. When you don’t feel cared for, you reach. You explain. You try harder. And when someone stonewalls when he shuts down, goes silent, disappears it activates every fear of abandonment and rejection a person can have. You didn’t “go crazy.” You panicked emotionally because the person you were attached to suddenly withdrew. That instinct makes sense.

But sweetheart… his behavior wasn’t loving. Calling the police on someone he supposedly cared for, ignoring your attempts to communicate, leaving you in limbo, refusing to talk, refusing to clarify, refusing to give closure… that’s not conflict. That’s cruelty wrapped in avoidance. And when someone says “I don’t know what I want” after this level of distance? That isn’t confusion. it’s avoidance of accountability. It’s a softer way of saying “I’m done, but I don’t want to be the bad guy.” Adults don’t disappear on people they are invested in. They don’t hide behind excuses. They don’t avoid simple clarity.

You weren’t “crazy.” You weren’t “desperate.” You were trying to keep something alive that had already ended on his side. And the pain you’re feeling isn’t stupidity it’s grief. Because you loved him more than he loved you, and you kept trying to repair what only you were holding onto. That’s why none of your efforts worked: the moment one person stops showing up emotionally, the relationship becomes a one-sided rescue mission. And that never ends with peace.

I know you love him. I know you imagined a future. But someone who wants you doesn’t disappear. Someone who respects you doesn’t call the police instead of talking. Someone who genuinely cares doesn’t leave you begging for clarity. So the truth the soft, painful truth is that your healing will come not from waiting, texting, hoping, or analyzing… but from releasing the idea that he’s your person. Because your person won’t run from you. Your person won’t make you doubt yourself. Your person won’t make you feel like an intruder in your own relationship. And your person will never leave you confused about whether you’re wanted.

[Author]

Posts