[Shortie]

I met a man in the hospital when both our fathers got sick. Both of our dads passed away one month apart. After two months we decided to date but we went slow. After dating a while he pulled away. I told him that for now we should remain friends because none of us wanted to lose each other in our lives. He then confessed to still having feelings for an ex. We met up a couple of times after the break-up. I was dating someone new and he was dating around. Except my new relationship wasn’t working because I still had feelings for him and we were still communicating. I said we can’t be friends but he fought me for us to remain friends. So we did. My new relationship suffered and it ended.

This month he initiated three coffee dates, went to my home to bring me food, and we went out to lunch. Since 5 months have passed since the break-up I thought that maybe he wants to try again.

Recently he told me he has feelings for me, but he is scared he will self sabatoge the relationship and lose me forever because his insecurities will get in the way.

I told him that I still have feelings for him. But if he can’t reciprocate then I can’t be friends with him at the moment. He didn’t say anything. He just held me. He tried to kiss me but I didn’t allow him because what would be the point. We both leave and he sends me a text saying he is sorry. We haven’t communicated since then. I’m confused. All his initiating to see me and talk to me, but he doesn’t want a relationship with me? Did I do the right thing walking away? Or should I reach out and see if anything can come of it.

[Ask April Masini]

You did do the right thing. I think you really understand what the friend zone is, and that you don’t want to be in — which is wise. He’s all over the map, saying he wants to be friends, then trying to kiss you; dating you then breaking up and seeing his ex…. he’s making it very clear that he’s not boyfriend material right now. So, rather than end this on a bad note, tell him that you like him way to much to be anything but a date and possible girlfriend and if and when he’s ready for the the real deal, to call you for a date, but otherwise, you wish him well. It shows you value yourself and your time, and it keeps things upbeat while setting boundaries. 😉

[Sally]

He likes you. That part is real. But liking someone and choosing them are two very different things. He keeps pulling you close for comfort, connection, and safety, then backing away when it’s time to actually show up. That leaves you stuck in limbo, and limbo hurts more than a clean break.

Him saying he’s scared he’ll ruin it is honest, but it’s also a way of saying he’s not ready to try. And you can’t build something with someone who’s already bracing for failure.

Walking away wasn’t punishment. It was self-respect. Reaching out again would probably just restart the same cycle.
Sometimes love is there, but the timing and capacity aren’t. And that’s a quiet kind of heartbreak, but it’s still real.

[Tara]

This man has been using you as an emotional life raft while refusing to choose you. That’s not confusing. That’s cowardice.
He lost his father, bonded with you in grief, tasted intimacy, then panicked when it required commitment. So he did what weak, avoidant men do he kept you close enough to soothe his loneliness but far enough to avoid responsibility. He pulled away, admitted feelings for an ex, dated around, sabotaged your new relationship by insisting on “friendship,” then circled back when he wanted comfort again. That’s not love. That’s emotional hoarding.

His actions are crystal clear. He initiates contact, brings food, asks for dates, holds you, tries to kiss you but the moment commitment is on the table, he hides behind “fear,” “insecurities,” and “self-sabotage.” Translation: he wants the benefits of you without the obligation of choosing you. He wants access without accountability.
You walking away was the first strong decision you’ve made in this entire situation. And notice what happened when you finally set a boundary: silence. No pursuit. No clarity. Just an apology and disappearance. That’s your answer.

If a man wants you, he doesn’t “hold you” instead of answering. He doesn’t say he’s scared of losing you while actively refusing to have you. He doesn’t risk losing you by doing nothing. Men protect what they value. He protected his comfort, not you.

Do not reach out. That would be you volunteering to step back into limbo. It would tell him that all he has to do is be vague and wounded and you’ll stay available. That’s how you erase your own dignity.

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