[Flower14]

!!! So I have a big relationship issue. I’m in a 13 year age difference relationship I’m 19 years old and currently going to school. We’ve had so many issues. I live in my cousins house with her husband and their daughter. My mom also lives here. N my father got here in September from our country the first time we’re all living together as a family since I was 7. I’ve brought him to the house to meet everyone before my dad got here. We have been together for about 8 months. Everything was going great. But my mom is very strict and I had a curfew. Then I slept over one day with her permission. And that got my cousin. The owner of the house mad. She said she didn’t really feel comfortable. But I thought she was saying it because of my mom.and I said no I won’t do it again. She didn’t really emphasize. And then she got mad. Because I slept over again because my mom said ok to me. Ti sleep the weekend. But in the morning my mom changed her mind and said no. And she told my cousin. And my cousin told me not to. I’m too young , my mom is mad , i don’t make my decisions. She’s never done that. I have to respect my mom. So I came back home. She said it was ok to come home at 5 in the morning or 3 but not sleepover. So I stopped sleeping over. My boyfriend also decided to not come to the house anymore because my mom threatened him. Saying he’s going to deal with consequences and such. So now my family started really not liking him. But I didn’t tell them why. So then I stopped sleeping over. But we would always try to have a reunion with them. N they would say no now is not the time. Then he met my dad. It was a bit late. We were all supposed to go out. But a lot of stuff happened so it was just me n my bf. When he met my dad. My dad didn’t look at him or talk to him. At all. He tried talking. And nothing before all this drama. We planned to move in together when I would finish school in beginning of December. My family thinks he’s with me because I’m naive and too trusting I’m very gullible. N he’s using me. N just because he says two or three nice things to me. N buys me stuff. That he’s eating my mind with that. They don’t believe he loves me. That if he really loved me he wouldn’t have allowed me to disrespect the house. N he would’ve done everything to make things better with the family. But my family can be difficult n my mother was acting fake. N he didn’t want to be around that. Also me and him argue a lot because of the family situation. And I have anxiety issues. So I go a little craxy. N they think he’s controlling me. One day I was talking to him arguing him saying my mom won’t let me. Please don’t. It was an argument I forgot what about n my cousin heard. N she said I needed to leave him because he’s controlling me. But he’s not. They also said I’ve changed ever since I got with him I chose Him over the family. They said I hardly have had life experience because I got into an accident. N I had to be home schools for two years. It’s true I did change I became very focused on him. I wouldn’t spend any time with them really. And hardly anytime with my dad. Then I got mad because I felt I had to prove a point that I want to be happy and stuff. So I decided to sleepover again. N when I came to the house. My cousin went outside to talk to my boyfriend. N it wasn’t a pleasebt talk. She told him not to come near the house. She told him that I wasn’t smart enough to make decisions. And that if I was moving out. They would disown me. That he using me etc… Then she came inside the house. N told me she wanted to beat my ass for being selfish. For bringing problems into her house after she told me not to sleepover again. For not being respectful for being disgusting n acting like a whore. For not respecting that my dad got here. N my dad was going to go to the police. To put him in jail. N that my mom was suffering. Because she doesn’t approve. That they deserve better. She said she didn’t think I was so stupid and such a fucking idiot. For ruining my life with someone that’s using me that’s 13 years older. I felt very bad. They said they were going to force me to breakup with him. So I didn’t see him for like 3 weeks he lives in New Jersey I live in in New York. N there were fininacial issues. That’s why we didn’t see each other. We didn’t spend thanksgiving because I had to spend it with my dad. His first thanksgiving here. N we didn’t have the money to do two trips and I was going to over and come back late in the am but my mom said no because we weren’t at our house. We were at my cousin the owner of the house mother in law house. . Then me n him had our issues with my school because it turned out I had to graduate later. And I’m scared to move in. So we saw each other for Christmas. N he proposed on that day. It was the most beautiful day ever. N we announced it on the game. Where we met. My cousin ( the owner of the house ) her husband plays the game too and he saw it on there and told her. I didn’t think it was going to bring these big problems. So when I got home in the night. My bad was very tired to drive back n was falling asleep behind the wheel so I had to keep him up on the phone. She called me asking me where I was n I told her home. N she came to my room n screamed at me for being a stupid idiot. N to not do the engagement the proper way with the family. But my boyfriend didn’t do it like that. Because they were not going to approve. She said it was stupid of me. Why I couldn’t wait for things to calm down. I said we were getting married in like two years. Then we got into n argument because I told her he’s falling asleep behind the wheel n I have to keep him up. And she took the phone away n I couldn’t call him back. N she Said I was a fucking idiot and very naive n selfish. She said we don’t approve of him we don’t agree. You have to move out. We will disown you. You will never be allowed here. Engaged. You have to move out. I can’t watch you ruin your life. So then my bf got mad at me because I didn’t fight for the phone enough because he almost killed someone. And then we cut off the engagement. Then 2 days later my family had a reunion with me calling me a liar because two times I said I would leave I’ll think about it n that I wasn’t going to sleepover. N because I needed to cut off contact with him because he’s using me n that they would disown me n never talk to me. That they wouldn’t let me out the house. That I had to block him. That I was a slut n stupid. That they would get me at his house. N call the police. Put him in jail. Have a big fight. They called my mom stupid for allowing this they called me selfish because I was only thinking about my happiness n not everyone else. Because I was being disrespectful. So I blocked him n wrote him n email. Because I was so weak n I was scared of the violence. But then I couldn’t stop talking to him. So we ended up talking. N he says that we always had the plan to move out. That I need to get out of here that if they loved me they wouldn’t hurt me like this. N threatened to hurt me n break my phone. I would pay my phone n my bills. That we can’t be happy. If I live here. That I have to move ASAP. But I’m scared because I didn’t want to leave with all these problems. I’m emotionally broken. I way to move out n be with him. But I have to be done with school. Unfortunately if I move out I won’t be working as an esthetician. For awhile because I have to get my New Jersey license. And that’s a process. And I’m not even done with the whole New York license process. But I’ll sacrifice that. Also moving out helps us financially. Because he has a lot of debt and for him to come visit me is a lot of money he has to spend. N we will both get out of debt faster. N we won’t have to deal with my family. But I’m scared because I never moved out. And I know my mom will be very sad. N my dad will go back to our country. N my family will disown me. N I wanted to at least fix things. But things have gotten so ugly. Idk when it will be fixed. I’m torn. Because it’s like I have to choose between my family n him. N they say I’m stupid for choosing someone who I’ve only known for like a year over them. That I should never choose a man between my family. N that I will ruin my life with someone so much older than me. But I’m ready to settle. I don’t want to go out n party. I’ve had too many bad dating experiences. I’m comfortable being in a serious relationship. My mom n dad don’t drive. N they live here so it would be hard to see each other. Idk what to do. I need help please. I’m torn. Because if I leave my mom would be depressed. My dad would leave unless she goes with him. My family here will hate me. I just don’t know what to do.i love him with all my heart. But he’s giving me two weeks until I finish school. Because he’s been through so much with my family. And he’s been waiting for awhile. I told him before it was easy. Things were great we had enough time to get things more ready. My family liked you. Now things are horrible. I love him n I know if I move in I will sacrifice these things. He said I don’t love him like I do. Because his ex sacrificed so much money her parents had in her trust fund. And they said they wouldn’t talk to her again. She was married before him. But she lived with her husband in one of her moms house. N she was there everyday. And she sacrificed. A lot of money. And that I don’t love him. Because she had way more to sacrifice and she moved in with him. N I don’t have as much to sacrifice. So my love is not as strong. My thing is I love my mom very much and I don’t want my dad to leave. I guess I’m to worried about what my family is going to think now I’m in the middle I want to move in. But idk if now is the right time. Like in two weeks. Idk because I doubt they will accept him. I’m all over the place. Advise please thank you so much

[Ask April Masini]

If you’re going to live in your family’s home, then you have to abide by their rules. When you don’t, there is misery all around. If you want to live under your own rules, then finish school, get a job, and move out into your own place, so you can live the way you like!

It’s really that simple.

[Flower14]

Thank you. That I understand. I admit my mistakes. And understand them. The problem is idk what to do. How to do it ? My family disapproves of my relationship they feel I have disrespected the house which is true. And they don’t like the age difference. It’s 13 years. And they feel I’m going to ruin my life. I’m ready to settle. They said if I move out with him. They will never talk to me again. I won’t be invited. They’ll hate me forever. They will go to his house n beat me up. Because they hate him and they think I’m going to ruin my life and be unhappy and they said more. And I love him and I do want to move in. And I don’t want to loose him. And he’s been through so much with my family and me. He said if I don’t move in. He will leave me. We been together 7 months. But I don’t want to make my family unhappy N never talk to them again. I’m in the middle it’s the hardest decision of my life. I love them both. And I want to make them both happy. But I don’t want to loose him. And we promised to live with each other. Before all the problems. It was so clear to move in. But he says I’m a coward for not standing up to my family. And his ex went through the same problem. And she sacrificed. A lot of money and family problems. She’s his age too. She sacrificed more. And he said that means she loved him more. And was not a coward. But I am. Idk what to do. I love him so much. But family is going to hate me. And my father is gonna go back to our country. We never really lived together this is his first time here I haven’t lived with him since I was seven and I’m 19. N if he leaves my mom is going to be alone. I live in my cousins house. N they hate me for being with him. So idk what to decide I’m in the middle

[Ask April Masini]

Here’s what you should do:

1. Move out of the house. You’re 19 years old and you’re having too many family conflicts to be living at home.

2. Live on your own or with roommates. Be single.

3. If your boyfriend breaks up with you because you won’t move in with him, after only seven months of dating, then let him. Anyone who puts that kind of pressure on you isn’t looking out for your best interests.

4. If your family says they are going to “beat you up” if you move in with your boyfriend, you need to distance yourself from them, by moving out. That’s not a healthy thing for parents or relatives (or anyone) to say.

Time for you to grow up and take some steps towards being your own person. 😉

[Flower14]

Wow thank you for the advice Do you think I’m a coward ? I always said I was going to move in and never kept my word If I live here with my family I won’t be happy with him. N he’s in debt to be traveling to another state. I was going to move in. But not with all these family problems. And if I move out. They will turn against each other. And things will get ugly with my family. I feel like such a coward and liar for not keeping my word. My family thinks I deserve to be hit n punched for disrespecting the house. I’m going through so much emotional issues He says I’m a coward for not standing up n stupid for making him wait longer to suffer. But idk what to do I don’t want to make the family suffer. Or him. I want to both make them happy I just can’t move out and let the family destroy themselves like that because of me. And he says they don’t care about me.they don’t love me. That I’m a coward a liar and naive and stupid I just don’t know what to do any more advice please I’m so desperate to save my relationship n my family

[Ask April Masini]

No, I do not think you’re a coward. But if you continue to try and please everybody, instead of doing what’s right, you’re going to end up lying so you don’t have to disappoint them. And that’s not how you have honest relationships with integrity.

Part of growing up is realizing you can’t please everyone — nor should you. You’re at the age where it’s time to start living with character, and that means being your own person. You’re allowed to change your mind, but you need to be honest and straight forward. Frankly, I don’t think your boyfriend or your family are being so great to you, and you should get away from both of them and establish your independence before reuniting. Your boyfriend is being a bully by giving you an ultimatum to move in with him or break up with him. And your family sounds like a bunch of thugs who will “beat you up” for dating someone they dislike.

You need to be your person and stop listening to everyone else. Move out. Move on. And allow the relationship with your family to evolve. Don’t stay stuck.

[Flower14]

So I should leave my boyfriend the reason he wanted me to move in. Is because if I live here I won’t be able to see him. Or talk. N we could get out of debt faster. N be happy. N not deal with my family. But if I move in it’s gonna destroy stuff with my family. I love him so much and he’s thinking of leaving me

[Ask April Masini]

I don’t think you should live with either your family or your boyfriend. I think you should move out, live on your own — or get some female roommates to live with. It’s a great compromise because you’re not living with either your family or your boyfriend, so they can’t get mad at each other — just you! And frankly, they should really understand that what you’re doing is for the best. It’s really the healthiest thing you can do right now. You can still date your boyfriend without living with him, if you both want to, and you will be moving towards independence.

If your boyfriend of seven months breaks up with you because you won’t live with him, he’s not looking out for your best interests. 🙄 And if he doesn’t understand that it’s better for you to live on your own for a year or more, especially under the circumstances, and still date him — then he’s not mature enough to be in a healthy relationship with you.

If you’re thinking of moving in with him simply to save the relationship with him, you’re making a mistake. Slow down, be nineteen, and go live on your own. Get a job, go to school, have roommates, date your boyfriend — someone else — and try to slowly mend your relationship with your family. You have to disengage from the drama in order to take care of yourself.

[Flower14]

Thanks for the advice. He just wanted me to move in so we could be happy without my family issues. N we could get out of debt faster. And see how compatible we are before getting married. I do want to move in. But I know what it’s going to cause with my family. He says I shouldn’t worry because they don’t love me and it will work out. N I don’t need my aunt or my cousin because they threatened to to hit me. N my dad. If he really loved us he wouldn’t leave. But he’s so embarrassed by my actions. It’s not that I don’t want to move in. It’s just I don’t want to cause more family problems. They’re going to turn on each other. It will get ugly with them. And I don’t want things to get uglier with them. He just says I don’t sacrifice and I’m allowing them control our relationship because all I’ve focused on was what they want. He says I don’t love him. Because I never sacrificed anything I always cared more about my family problems. N their feelings. He says if I really loved him. I would’ve sacrificed moving in. Even if things got ugly.i can’t move out. I’m still in school and waiting to graduate. N that’s when we were supposed to move in. He’s been here for me so much. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have graduated. He’s done so much for me and I haven’t sacrificed anything He says I don’t give n f about him. And it’s true. I haven’t sacrificed anything. I’ve always put my family first. I’ve been very selfish. I wasn’t there for him. I was horrible I never fought for the relationship. I’m too much of a coward. To stand up. To my family. He says I won’t fight I’ll allow anything to happen with my family. Because I’m too scared of them. N I don’t fight for the relationship. He’s done so much and I’ve been a bad girlfriend. I’ve never listened. I’ve never communicated. But I am scared about messing up the family more if I move in. They feel I’m choosing a man over my family. I’m just so emotionally craxy. I love him. I’ve been a bad girlfriend. I’ve been horrible. I just idk should I sacrifice messing up the family? To move in with the man I love . He’s really the best boyfriend I’ve had a great guy. Or should I mess up my relationship have him leave me. I haven’t shown I care I’ve been selfish disrespectful. He’s told me he feels unloved n unwanted for the longest time. He just says I’m willing to loose the relationship because I won’t stand up to anyone. I’m so broken. And so all over the place. I really don’t want to loose him. He says no matter when I move in. With him or someone else. My family will turn on each other. N go crazy. He says I’m thinking of a solution. But there’s no solution. With my family. I know I’ve disrespected the house. And I lied to the family. I know I’ve done a lot of bad things in this house that’s not mine. My family says I’m selfish for leaving the house. Because my dad will leave to our country. N my mom will suffer. N it will cause a lot of drama. They say I don’t love them if I do it. But if I don’t move in with Gabriel my boyfriend it shows I don’t love him. N yes I care about my family and I love Gabriel. N j know I haven’t sacrificed anything. But it sucks being in the middle. I don’t want my relationship to end. But I know he’s fed up with my actions. N my family. He’s ready to leave. He says things are gonna get worse no matter what. I’m a lost cause. I don’t want to loose my family or him. But with how things are idk. I love him I do. I’m so desperate to find a solution or fix things. Or someway to make someone happy. And I can’t move in with a friend. Because I don’t have any to move in. And he’s going to say oh it’s because you don’t want to live with me in my studio. It’s because you don’t love me. N I do want to move in with him. But I’m just scared n worried about what’s going to happen with my family. I know that me moving in with my boyfriend. Will cause disaster. N I’ll loose some of my family. He says disaster needs to happen so they can realize their mistakes. I haven’t sacrificed anything. It’s the perfect moment to sacrifice. But idk should I let him go he’s so awesome. He’s been great to me. It’s like I’m torn with what my family says and with what he says. I guess I’m just weak. I really need all the advice I can get. N if I stay here I won’t be able to see him really. N I can’t move out on my own. I have so many loans to pay off n I have to work and New York is expensive. I just I’m so lost. Idk how to go about things. I need more advice please and thank you

[Flower14]

[quote=”Flower14″]Thanks for the advice. He just wanted me to move in so we could be happy without my family issues. N we could get out of debt faster. And see how compatible we are before getting married. I do want to move in. But I know what it’s going to cause with my family. He says I shouldn’t worry because they don’t love me and it will work out. N I don’t need my aunt or my cousin because they threatened to to hit me. N my dad. If he really loved us he wouldn’t leave. But he’s so embarrassed by my actions. It’s not that I don’t want to move in. It’s just I don’t want to cause more family problems. They’re going to turn on each other. It will get ugly with them. And I don’t want things to get uglier with them. He just says I don’t sacrifice and I’m allowing them control our relationship because all I’ve focused on was what they want. He says I don’t love him. Because I never sacrificed anything I always cared more about my family problems. N their feelings. He says if I really loved him. I would’ve sacrificed moving in. Even if things got ugly.i can’t move out. I’m still in school and waiting to graduate. N that’s when we were supposed to move in. He’s been here for me so much. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have graduated. He’s done so much for me and I haven’t sacrificed anything He says I don’t give n f about him. And it’s true. I haven’t sacrificed anything. I’ve always put my family first. I’ve been very selfish. I wasn’t there for him. I was horrible I never fought for the relationship. I’m too much of a coward. To stand up. To my family. He says I won’t fight I’ll allow anything to happen with my family. Because I’m too scared of them. N I don’t fight for the relationship. He’s done so much and I’ve been a bad girlfriend. I’ve never listened. I’ve never communicated. But I am scared about messing up the family more if I move in. They feel I’m choosing a man over my family. I’m just so emotionally craxy. I love him. I’ve been a bad girlfriend. I’ve been horrible. I just idk should I sacrifice messing up the family? To move in with the man I love . He’s really the best boyfriend I’ve had a great guy. Or should I mess up my relationship have him leave me. I haven’t shown I care I’ve been selfish disrespectful. He’s told me he feels unloved n unwanted for the longest time. He just says I’m willing to loose the relationship because I won’t stand up to anyone. I’m so broken. And so all over the place. I really don’t want to loose him. He says no matter when I move in. With him or someone else. My family will turn on each other. N go crazy. He says I’m thinking of a solution. But there’s no solution. With my family. I know I’ve disrespected the house. And I lied to the family. I know I’ve done a lot of bad things in this house that’s not mine. My family says I’m selfish for leaving the house. Because my dad will leave to our country. N my mom will suffer. N it will cause a lot of drama. They say I don’t love them if I do it. But if I don’t move in with Gabriel my boyfriend it shows I don’t love him. N yes I care about my family and I love Gabriel. N j know I haven’t sacrificed anything. But it sucks being in the middle. I don’t want my relationship to end. But I know he’s fed up with my actions. N my family. He’s ready to leave. He says things are gonna get worse no matter what. I’m a lost cause. I don’t want to loose my family or him. But with how things are idk. I love him I do. I’m so desperate to find a solution or fix things. Or someway to make someone happy. And I can’t move in with a friend. Because I don’t have any to move in. And he’s going to say oh it’s because you don’t want to live with me in my studio. It’s because you don’t love me. N I do want to move in with him. But I’m just scared n worried about what’s going to happen with my family. I know that me moving in with my boyfriend. Will cause disaster. N I’ll loose some of my family. He says disaster needs to happen so they can realize their mistakes. I haven’t sacrificed anything. It’s the perfect moment to sacrifice. But idk should I let him go he’s so awesome. He’s been great to me. It’s like I’m torn with what my family says and with what he says. I guess I’m just weak. I really need all the advice I can get. N if I stay here I won’t be able to see him really. N I can’t move out on my own. I have so many loans to pay off n I have to work and New York is expensive. I just I’m so lost. Idk how to go about things. I need more advice please and thank you[/quote]

[Ask April Masini]

I’ve given you advice and you don’t seem to want to take it. 🙄 I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but: You’re playing the victim. You keep complaining and saying the same thing over and over, and not really seeming like you want to make any changes in your life.

As I said before: [b]Your boyfriend is manipulative and a bully. You’re only 19 years old and have been dating him for just 7 months. There is no reason for him to be pressuring you to move in with him. He’s 32. He knows what’s he’s doing. He does not have your best interests at heart. And your family sounds like a bunch of thugs who will “beat you up” 😯 if you move in with him. [/b]

It’s time for you to stop playing victim. If you have student loans, then get a job. If New York is too expensive, then move to Arizona or Florida or New Jersey. You have options, but you fail to take them. The ball is entirely in your court. This is your life. Time to grow up, my friend. 😉

[Flower14]

I guess I’m just desperate. I’ve made so many mistakes and always chosen my family first. It is true I’ve been selfish and not the best girlfriend. I guess it’s also me feeling guilty and very bad. For allowing so much to go wrong

[Ask April Masini]

Everybody makes mistakes! That’s how we learn. Just make sure you use your mistakes to further yourself. Learn from everything and evolve. 😀

[Flower14]

Thank you April. I have one last question. Do you think it’s selfish n inconsiderate of me ? Because I haven’t been a good girlfriend and I haven’t sacrificed much in the relationship. ? Like I said I love him n want to move in. But my family will go insane n turn on each other. He says that’s needed so they can see their mistakes like I said. He says I need to choose happiness n that if I stay here. That’s not hapoiness

[Ask April Masini]

No, I don’t think you’ve been selfish and inconsiderate.

[Author]

Posts